Archive for the ‘anthropomorphic’ category

Tums Hot Dog Campsite Attack!

September 7, 2015

 

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They bay at the moon, and attack your campsite in a pack, like wolves…the creepy, four-limbed, human sized hot dogs in a recent Tums commercial, that is! Brandishing a burning stick in one hand and his Tums package like a cross before a vampire, our intrepid camper is able to drive the marauding processed meats off.  Such is life in the Twilight Zone of the food chain…(shudders)

Be afraid, be very afraid…Tums has lately alarmed us with tales of assaultive meat foods that have included chicken wings, a nightmarish headless barbecued chicken, sky-diving meatballs, and what appeared to be a very angry corned beef sandwich.  It’s enough to make me want to add additional countermeasures to my existing zombie defense network…

Shaun the Sheep!

August 6, 2015

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Although a smaller sheep, Shaun the Sheep has leadership written all over him, and would probably be a better presidential candidate than most of the Republican field.  A break-out character from the third Wallace & Gromit short, ‘A Close Shave,’ Shaun is a resident of the Mossy Bottom Farm who needs some time off from the farm, eventually winding up with the flock in the Big City (London).  The farmer who pursues them winds up hospitalized with amnesia, and it falls to Shaun to free the farmer, return home, and restore the normal order of things.

Remarkably, this can be done without dialogue save for the odd sound effect and musical score.  Visual humor is key, with references made to The Shawshank Redemption, The Silence of the Lambs, and even The Wolverine.  We also learn that sheep, long under-rated creatures, can sing harmony.

Other films from Aardman Animations include Wallace & Gromit and Chicken Run.  The resourceful Shaun also has his own television show in the United Kingdom…

Things in the Refrigerator…

June 15, 2015

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I, for one, find the notion of articulate beings addressing me from within the confines of an egg crate disquieting.  As someone who has taken a college-level embryology course, it’s hard enough for me to eat an egg, and I certainly don’t want to converse with one, much less some kind of medieval tiny humanoid thing clad in armor emerging from the crate.  This is clearly abnormal and wrong on so many different levels…

Introduced in 2012, Sir Can-A-Lot is on a crusade to “rescue the world from routine meals.” This Is far preferable, I suppose, to joining ISIS, and the diminutive knight is polite if annoyingly enthusiastic about the SPAM product that he endorses as “glorious SPAM!”  And I thought that needed a life!

Now in my dark little mind, I would like to see this scene rewritten to resemble a memorable one in the Gremlins films where a housewife becomes a kitchen samurai when confronted by invading gremlins, using household appliances against the invaders to deadly effect .– Let’s have the lady of the house grab the little knight, throw him in the microwave, and see if he sparks! Consider also throwing him in the sink garbage disposal to see how protective that tiny suit of armor really is! With a kitchen array of food processors, blenders, and cutting knives the possibilities for home defense are both varied and entertaining.

My mind is a strange and frightening place to be, really…

Cows in a Class!

June 5, 2015

 

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In a recent Dairy Pure milk commercial, an enthusiastic teacher is drilling her bovine charges on the “Five Point Promise” of the product.  Each “student” is dressed distinctly, with such accessories as eyeglasses and hair.

Apparently, chewing one’s cud is allowed in class…they’re cows, for crying out loud, what else could they do?!

When the teacher asks her students to enumerate what they know about the milk, one blond-haired cow responds, “It comes from udders,” and the rest of the cow-kids titter in repressed laughter.  Kids are the same everywhere…udders, heh, she said udders!

What I want to know is, how did this lucky teacher come to have only four students in class?  You can bet that they’re motivated, too…after all, what self-respecting young cow would want to be a milk dud, or an udder failure?  (Yes, we have no shame here…)

Burger King Chicken Fries “Pregnant” Commercial…

May 19, 2015

 

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Some things are so bad that they’re almost good…either that, or I’m a glutton for punishment!  It is into this category that I cast the hokey Burger King commercial for chicken fries in which a young hen and a box of french fries sit in a comfy living room, where the hen informs her parents on the adjoining couch that she and french fries are pregnant, and going to have chicken fries!  As we the viewers probably face-palm, the mother hen goes into a flurry of frenzied wing-flapping while her rooster father admonishes everyone to “Calm down!”  From the doorway a sibling of indeterminate sex comments, “Again?”  Unwanted chicken pregnancies are a national shame that we all pay the price for. – – Thanks, Obama!

The commercial pushes the envelope of silliness and stupidity, and lacks the creepiness factor of the Burger King monarch himself, who I would love to see in a death match competition with Ronald McDonald, Wendy, and the KFC Colonel…

 

Bigfoot of Ashe County: AIMS Erupts…

April 27, 2015

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Well, it was Round Two with the infamous Cherokee Devil on the S3/Ep08 installment of Mountain Monsters. The AIMS team met with “Aaron,” a supposed Bigfoot expert who maintained that there had been 12 sightings of the Cherokee Devil in the past 3-1/2 years, following which encounters seven of the people involved had simply disappeared! For the Devil to manifest himself, the witness has to be alone.

As team members Buck (pictured) and Huck had experienced previous encounters detailed in the last episode, they decided to venture out at night themselves without the knowledge or approval of the rest of the team. Heading to the shack in the woods where Buck had earlier supposedly been stashed by the creature, they found backwards writing on the walls, and heard scratching sounds. Team leader Trapper was not pleased to hear of their exploits the next day, and the assembled group returned to the shack, almost failing to find it as it had been camouflaged, presumably by the Devil. A spooky dude appeared outside of the shack who made the team members appear eloquent by comparison, and it was ventured that he was one of the seven who had seen the creature and completely disappeared. He did exactly that while the team was checking out reversed writing on the rear of the shed, so there wasn’t much character development there.

Well, the master plan was to use Buck as bait, placing him in a protective cage on the bridge trap that had been constructed but unused during the previous episode. Buck however took it upon himself to sneak out undetected late at night to go one-on-one with the Devil, who he felt would not appear if the trap was set, being that the Devil could read minds and all. The episode was reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project as Buck went first to the shack and then to the bridge trap by his lonesome, all the while thoughtfully video-journaling his thoughts for our convenience…


As the youngest member of the AIMS team sat alone on the bridge trap, the Cherokee Devil apparently manifested itself to him, although we in the viewing audience saw nothing; this is a low-budget show, after all. Buck was apparently able to drive the beastie off by uttering the Cherokee word for “leave,” a trick apparently communicated to him by the little Cherokee girl whose ghostly presence had been perceived in association with the Devil. – – Wasn’t that convenient?!

 

Mercedes-Benz “Fable” Commercial…

April 22, 2015

 

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I love to see classic fables revisited, and Mercedes-Benz has a winner in this one!  You know the story; the overly-confident hare challenges the stalwart tortoise to a race, in this version calling him a “turtle” and taunting that he better have a jet pack under his shell!

This bunny-boy is an arrogant jock of a type I’m well familiar with from high school; “Bask in my glory!,” the hare tells an adoring crowd.  Then the race begins (with a fox referee, please note), and the hare is off in a cloud of dust while the tortoise plods on, even being passed by a snail!  So great is his lead that the hare feels he has time for a few hands of cards with other woodland animals over a tree stump.  Meanwhile, the tortoise uses that time to turn into a Mercedes-Benz factory.  “Plot twist!,” he announces.  A magnificent Mercedes is shown; “Slow and steady, my a**,” comments the tortoise, his last word drowned out by a throaty engine growl.  The headlights of the Mercedes flare on like an angry beast…

All too late does the hare see the tortoise coming, the vehicle vaulting over him as he frantically tries to pull away from its approach.  “Who’s your turtle?!,” he exults. The victory of the tortoise is glorious!  Such is the power, you see, of German engineering…

Bigfoot of Ashe County: AIMS Under Attack!

April 21, 2015

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The S3/Ep07 of Mountain Monsters was a strange business indeed, getting into the Cherokee Devil, a kind of Bigfoot with alleged mind-control abilities.  Like a Jedi Master of Star Wars fame manipulating the mind of an Imperial Storm Trooper, this Bigfoot we’re asked to believe used his powers of mental dominance to befuddle and manipulate two members of the investigative team of “West Virginian Sons.” Clearly, he wasn’t the droid that they were looking for…

Now this Bigfoot from North Carolina was first spotted in the 1600’s, stands a whopping 8-1/2 to 10 feet tall, weighs in at about 800 lbs., is black to gray in color, and has prominent eyes.  Interdispersed with the usual coarse and questionable humor, the team first interviewed a furniture maker called “Liz” who spotted the creature and was mentally dominated by him, loosing four hours of time when she regained conscious awareness in a different location later.  

On the first night’s investigation, the team found “Honeysuckle Domes,” nests of sorts used by the creature.  They heard something large in front of them, and when team member “Buck” led the way, he vanished and was found later sitting down in a broken down shack in a kind of trance state.  “He told me not to move,” muttered Buck about his encounter.  The team took Buck to a safe location, where he later said he was sick and confused, sleeping badly that night.  The next day, Buck related that the Cherokee Devil Bigfoot had pulled him by the elbow and tossed him in the shack, showing team members some nasty bruises on his left upper arm and shoulder. Buck also maintained that he saw a Cherokee girl appearing with the Bigfoot.

The team believed that Bigfoot was trying to hide something in the woods, later finding a totem pole type object.  “Huckleberry” then fell, becoming agitated and then zoning out when he got up.  They bundled Huckleberry away in their truck, where he muttered spooky things like “It doesn’t matter,” and “I know who’s gonna die.”  When leaving the spaced-out Huckleberry alone in the truck for a few moments, he wandered off…

…Buck had rejoined the team by then, and in searching for Huckleberry claimed that he had seen the mysterious Cherokee girl again.  The team sought out the totem pole that they had found previously for answers, but found it was missing!  A short while later they heard Huckleberry scream, and found the rascal nearly naked and muddy (not a pretty sight) holding the totem pole. Tackling him in a body of water, the shock of that seemed to restore him while doing nothing to enhance his appearance. 

With enough freakiness for then, team leader Trapper decided to pull the team out, regroup, and come back again another time.  Such repeat encounters usually don’t go well either, and are equally unrevealing.  The season finale is upcoming for those of stout hearts and strong stomachs…groan!

 

Hannah and Her Horse…

April 19, 2015

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As a diehard Mr. Ed fan, I’m glad to see talking horses on the small screen again! Fashion model Hannah Davis is shown on a pristine beach, together with a magnificent white horse.  Making her pitch for DirecTV services, the horse soon chimes in with his agreement, revealing that he not only talks, but sings a bit as well. Hannah and her Horse replaces the Rob Lowe spokesman after compaints were made that his spots were misleading. 

A horse is a horse, of course, of course…but it’s hard to beat anthropomorphic talking ones who can also improvise a tune!

The Geico Chicken…”It’s What You Do…”

April 15, 2015

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Dang, this chicken leads a more adventurous life than I do!  A  free-range chicken is shown riding the rails, traveling shotgun with a trucker, enjoying a campfire gathering, and sitting at a diner counter while observing egg platters being served…that’s gotta be awkward! – – Ahh, the lure of the open road, to be footloose and fancy free!  All the while, said chicken manages to send pictures of her exploits to a worn-looking farm couple, her former owners…

…it’s what she does…after all, she’s a free-range chicken, doing what she’s called to do!  The sweeping melody of “Ride Away” by Roy Orbison accompanies the Geico commercial, and I’d love to log a few miles with this bird!