Archive for the ‘commercials’ category

Geico’s “Captain Ahab” Commercial…

January 22, 2021

I’m glad that Captain Ahab has found work finding parking spaces for people now that the whaling age is over.  I’ve always felt that ole Ahab just needed a good spin doctor; I’ve worked for bosses far worse than he was, seriously!  And there are cities where enterprising dudes grubbing for a buck will scout out and try to hold parking spaces for you.  It’s just a new Ahab for a new era; adapt and prevail, as the Borg might say…

So in our new Geico commercial, driver Sarah is asked by the announcer if she knows that Geico can save her hundreds on car insurance.  When she nods agreement, the announcer then asks if she’s waiting for Captain Ahab to find her a parking space in the crowded lot.  On cue, Ahab’s boots then thunk into her vehicle, and the old salt, protruding through the roof and complete with spyglass, is barking coordinates for open parking spaces to the young woman.  “Hard to starboard!,” he commands.  When the driver protests that the space is too small, Ahab counters that she should steer “to the northern lot, where there be parking spaces as big as whales!”  This Ahab (Played by Steve Coulter) is helpful if domineering, devoid of the obsessive psychosis that characterized him in Moby Dick.

Wouldn’t you like to have an auto GPS that spoke like an early 19th century Nantucket whaling captain?  And I hear that Ahab isn’t the only member of the Pequod crew to have found post-whaling employment.  I understand that ship’s mate Starbuck has done well with the line of coffee shops that bear his name, plus no whales are now harmed, which is a good thing (like the coffee)… ☕️ 🐋

( A whale-of-a-tale Foxsylvania production. Just don’t call me Ishmael.  Herman Melville rocks, woo!) 🦊

 

Tums Naturals Commercial, Camping Trip Chili…

January 20, 2021

 
It was the chili that drew it…the creature, the horrible thing out of the woods that reared up and tried to drag the woman from her campsite back to its unspeakable lair!

Add a new nightmare to your closet of anxieties.  Submitted for your approval in a brief new Tums commercial are two women enjoying a bowl of chili at a campsite in a peaceful, fern-covered forest.  Nice, huh?  But wait, eerie, forboding music is played, the woman is shown to have peppers in her chili bowl, and soon the stomach pains begin.  A huge pepper rears itself up behind the woman, the chili bowl is upturned, and soon the colossal pepper is dragging her helplessly backwards behind itself along the forest floor!  It moves with a powerful and remarkable locomotion, undulating like a gigantic worm from hell.  Is it taking her to feed its young?   Forget Bigfoot…fear the Pepper!

But wait…all is not lost!  The plucky woman extracts a bottle of Tums from her person, and brandishes it at the scarlet horror! Just the talisman needed at this crucial moment!  The pepper again rears up, but this time it is in fear, knowing that it’s outmatched, faintly making a high-pitched shrieking sound.  It retreats back into the depths of the woods, and once again the world is made safe from heartburn and the abominations that it spawns…

Tums has memorably shown us a number of culinary monsters run amok, including a parachuting meatball and a huge plucked headless chicken.  Can the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes be far behind?!  (*shudders*). 🙀 🌶🍅

Perhaps we will someday have inspired by this a feature-length Syfy Channel movie titled, Return of the Pepper, with an accompanying soundtrack by The Rolling Stones, containing their new hit song, Sympathy for the Pepper….

(exerp:  “I shouted out, ‘Who killed the broccoli?’  When after all, after all, it was you and me!”)

 

Geico’s “Pipes Are Making Strange Noises” Commercial

January 12, 2021



Many are the travails of new homeowners visited in Geico commercials; clogging problems, RATT problems, fencing problems…and now we have people for whom their “pipes are making strange noises.”  These “noises” we are shown are made by none less than an authentic bagpiper, complete in traditional Scottish attire, and playing his pipes loudly in such locations as under the kitchen sink, behind the water heater, in the bathtub, and…horrors…in the occupied bed of the couple!  

 

Not even the plumber can help these poor people, who utters the single word “Nope!” upon encountering the piping piper, who plays the same refrain over and over.  Now people tend to either love or hate the sound of bagpipes.  Some find the sound stirring or haunting, although I imagine a repetitious refrain such as is played might get old pretty fast.  No jigs are danced in response to the bag piping shown here, although this might have been a nice addition. And wouldn’t “The Masked Bagpiper” be a great new show on the Fox network?  I can see the choreography now, lads and lasses…Everybody Highland Fling, now! 

Unanswered are such questions as to why the bagpiper is haunting this house.  Did the bagpiper lose his lassie?  And should Lassie come home?  And when the time comes to “pay the piper,” are his rates reasonable?  Does the piper have a “greatest hits” album, every cut of which sounds the same?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Anyways, Geico makes bundling your insurance easy, even if home ownership is not.  And please, no bag piping after ten, oh Danny boy…

(disclaimer:  No Scots were harmed in the making of this commercial.  Your ears are another matter…)

 

 

Temptations Cat Treats and Holiday Catsequences…

December 25, 2020

Cats and kids just about rule the internet when it comes to the “Aww” factor; combine the two elements with a Xmas backdrop, however, and you can get something within a whisker of a Stephen King short horror story…

In our Temptations cat treats commercial, a curious boy is shown shaking a wrapped Xmas present by the family tree, making a sound that sounds all too similar to a cat treat container being shaken.- – Too late!  “A shake is all it takes,” and a multitude of cats pour into the room, chasing the boy down a darkened, holiday-festooned street, and there must be dozens, nay, hundreds of the felines in pursuit!

Our pre-adololescent boy barely stays in advance of the kitty horde, and we are not shown the outcome of the chase.  Some things it is perhaps better not to know, as it might not be pretty when the cats upon cornering the boy realize that he does not in effect carry treats; there might be catsequences, you see.  Draw your own ending, but the accompanying soundtrack of “Carol of the Bells” always did carry a note of darkness and menace to me, and I like to retain a bit of Halloween with me year-round.

So be careful what you shake this holiday season, however you may regard and celebrate it.  Do commemorate it safely, and best wishes of the season to all readers from Foxsylvania!

FanDuel Sportbook’s “Payout Falcon”

December 10, 2020

FanDuel Sportsbook is an on-line gaming company that in a recent commercial shows the lengths they’re willing to go to in order to deliver your winnings as quickly as possible to you; they’ve trained a peregrine falcon to deliver your winnings, on the fly as it were.  The falcon swoops down to the splendid outdoor location of a patron who retrieves his winnings from a tube attached to the bird’s leg, and before departing, the falcon swipes the guy’s sandwich, taking it with him for his return flight!

“Honey, I’ve come into some money,” the man tells his presumed off-screen wife.  “And I’m going to need a new sandwich!”  Undoubtedly, some will raise objections about this commercial.  Should the guy pictured be gambling?  And should his wife tell him to make his own damn sandwich?  He does have legs, after all…

I, for one, champion the peregrine falcon, who at least gets a sandwich as the wages of his forced servitude…fly free, magnificent bird!

Geico’s “Clogging,” “RATT,” and “Fencing” Commercials…

November 30, 2020


Geico Insurance has a keen sense of the surreal in life in a number of their recent commercials featuring generally happy homeowners with a fly in the ointment, something like the RATT problem, the Clogging problem, or the Fencing problem.

Modern life can be anything but easy if you’ve got the ’80’s hair-metal band RATT performing loudly upstairs, or perhaps a family of never-stopping clog dancers, or neighbors who fence with foils intrusively through your house and garden.  We’ve got to expect such things, I suppose, in this very atypical and challenging year of 2020…

The cloggers are the real-life Tucker family out of Utah performing their percussive dance, even while eating pasta or brushing their teeth; an art form can permeate every aspect of your existence, you see.  Media exposure was good for revitalizing the career of RATT, who are once again on the charts for their hit, Round and Round. And who knows, fencing may even surge in popularity in the U.S. from seeing the white-clad couple battle their way amicably through their neighbor’s property!  Think conflict resolution and fewer divorces…

 At least Geico makes bundling your car and homeowners insurance easy, and you can save money.  For other things, you’re pretty much on your own, but there’s always a life coach or Dr. Phil…  

 

Frank’s RedHot TV commercial, “Every Food…”

September 8, 2020


Even in the bizarre and unforgettable year of 2020, this Frank’s RedHot commercial stands out.  The announcer’s voiceover kicks the ad off, proclaiming how he “puts that s#!t on everything.” What follows are some of the qualifying items, like pizza, a co-worker’s lunch, and “whatever this is.”  We are then shown a woman (above) about to put the sauce on some kind of tentacled thing, which commendably is still alive, and fighting back in a spirited fashion with cutlery!  This would appear to be one die-hard dinner, which unfortunately the woman appears ultimately able to jab her fork into.  Poor, valiant octopus-like thing!–Hath not a cephalopod eyes?!

The brief commercial continues to say that Frank’s RedHot may be put on “astronaut food,” and we are shown an astronaut floating in an encapsulated zero-g environment, his leg and body enveloped by the flexible tentacle of his multi-limbed alien captor floating right next to him, who questions whether the sauce may be put on astronauts.  “Everything!,” reassures the announcer, to which the alien succinctly replies, “Yum!”

So there you have it…serving and being served, eating and being eaten, just part of the food chain.  And don’t forget Frank’s RedHot sauce, which is the “perfect blend of flavor and heat.”  You can “put that s#!t on everything.”  Bon appetit, y’all…

 

   

 

InnovAsian’s “Rough Start” Commercial…

September 1, 2020


Forget your genial Ray Romano-voiced “Window Bear” commercial, where a very articulate and well-mannered bear appears outside of a woman’s kitchen, although I’d far rather deal with him!  The bear in our InnovAsian Cuisine commercial is not anthropomorphic but realistic, he’s big and hungry, and he’s frustrated that he’s on the outside of your window glass while you sit within your deluxe RV, about to eat the food that he wants!

The woman, her husband, and daughter all have painfully forced smiles on, which is understandable since this bear, a grizzly kodiak, is literally rocking the camper while he bellows throaty growls.  “Rough start to your family vacation?,” voices the announcer, “That’s an InnovAsian occasion!”  While only a quarter of a minute long, the commercial is a finely-tuned gem, and the bear is an animatronic marvel, stunningly realistic.

The one-of-a-kind Kody is not computer-generated, but requires three people to bring him to life; a puppeteer to remotely handle expressions of the animatronic head, a performer within the 8’4″ tall suit, and a dresser.  The suit is heavy, uncomfortable, and noisy due to all of the servos running within it.  The end result of their joint efforts is uncanny, and comes from an animal suit specialist in Vancouver.– –Two paws up to them!

 


– – “Hah,” muses Kody, “Foolish humans!  My Kung Fu is the best!”  

Absorbx Cat Litter Commercial…

August 22, 2020

 

 

Cat litter commercials sell a necessary if somewhat distasteful product for feline fanciers, and leave it to Arm & Hammer to do so memorably!  Those who do not co-habit with cats at least deserve in such a commercial to be entertained, and I haven’t seen anthropomorphic animals portrayed so well in a classic western-gendre setting since the movie Rango, but here the characters are all feline…

Picture a classic western saloon circa 1870, complete with swinging entry doors, period piano music playing, and a cast of stock costumed western character types inside.  Enter the young, slender, white-hatted stranger; instantly the piano music ceases, and all eyes are fixed on the newcomer…will there be trouble?  

Thankfully, no…“This town smells FANTASTIC!,” declares the stranger.  At a nearby poker-type table, we see a trio of felines, on the left a female “Miss Kitty” type, to the right possibly a dandified card-sharp, and between them a large, hoary, black-hatted, black-overcoated alpha cat who looks like he might be trouble.  But no, he arranges a demonstration through the cat-bartender of the litter’s absorbency qualities using “desert-dry” mineral ingredients.  Follow the science, I always say…

Following the demonstration, our appealing white-hatted cat notes that word is going to spread fast.  “Spread it then,” admonishes the dark-hatted cat.  “Go on, git!”  And so the slender stranger does…and the rest will probably be the stuff of western legend…

Perhaps future commercial installments will feature “the Cat With No Name” gunning down purveyors of inferior cat litter, kind of a Clint Eastcat typeand I’d love to see Val Kilmer’s standout Tombstone character translated to Cat Holliday, frontier dentist, card sharp, and quirky gunfighter extraordinary!  

 

Twizzlers “Only the Road Knows” Commercial…

August 8, 2020


In this age of COVID, we are all spending more time alone, and what could be more terrifying than being left alone with our own thoughts?!  Fortunately, the thoughts that run through our minds are more often mundane than weighty…

As a case in point, we have the Twizzlers commercial, “Only the Road Knows.”  In it, a man is riding as passenger in a car driven by a woman along a lonely, isolated road through a deep forest.  He is chewing on a Twizzlers, and appears to be deep in thought.  For those of you living in a cave, Twizzlers are a rope-like candy traditionally red in color and strawberry in flavor, although color and flavor varieties are available.  One wonders what thoughts are occupying the man’s mind…perhaps from the setting the dreaded “relationship issues” questions?  Kill me now, please…

But no…we as observers are made privy to the man’s thoughts, which are revealed to be,”Am I too old to begin skateboarding?”  If one has to ask that question, the answer is likely a resounding YES, unless you are equipped with forgiving and rubbery joints, or like to spend time in orthopedic convalescence.  The question is one which the man needs to ponder, however, and Twizzlers is the candy that will assist him to “chew on it.” I do hope that the poor devil finds his way…

Research has shown, you see, that people are drawn to Twizzlers by the texture, and the gratification afforded by chewing.  Perhaps Freud was right about oral needs.  I’ve known people who claim that chewing gum relaxes them, and even helps them think.  At any rate, in the age of COVID, I would offer Twizzlers this supplemental slogan;

When life gets screwy, go chewy.”  Just take your mask off first, of course…    image