Archive for the ‘anthropomorphic’ category

Bigfoot of Harrison County: Stonish Giant

January 27, 2016

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The fourth season of Mountain Monsters opened with the team in pursuit of the Stonish Giant in Harrison County, Ohio.  Another Bigfoot clone, the Giant stands at a height of nine to ten feet, and weighs in at around 1,000 lbs. First seen by Native Americans in the 1500’s, the Iroquois found the coat of the giant impervious to their arrows; it seems he rolls around in the clay and such, this layering adding resistance to primitive weapons.

Following their familiar formula, the team interviewed an eyewitness, John, who had an encounter while hunting deer.  The ground shook under the weight of the creature, and he heard a cry emitted that combined a roar and a snarl.  The hunter later saw tracks following the encounter, unusual in that one of the legs appeared to be dragging to a degree.  In their first night’s investigation, the team saw broken off trees, found a 22″ footprint, and thought that they caught a glimpse of the creature.  They also found a “tree structure,” and an area where the Bigfoot was thought to have bedded down.  

The next day, trap maker Willy and “Wild Bill” constructed a super-sized snare trap which would later be baited with road-killed deer.  A taxidermist, Russ, was interviewed who related an encounter of a friend who was approached by the Bigfoot from behind and supposedly hit him with a shot.  Going to that site, the team found blood in the vicinity on vegetation, and assumed that the Bigfoot had indeed been wounded, which explained the apparent dragging evidenced by one foot on tracks earlier seen.  

In the final night’s hunt, the team split into two components with the intent of driving the wounded Stonish Giant towards their trap.  Blood was found in several locations, as was the slug apparently dislodged from the creature’s wound; growls were also heard.  While in pursuit, the team heard gunshots ahead of them; another group was apparently poaching their Bigfoot!  Blurred images were presented of at least four men dragging something off in a tarp, and hastily leaving in a truck.  Arriving at that area, the AIMS team found yet more blood, and deduced that the other armed group in advance of them had nailed the Stonish Giant but good, and made off with the body.  They were not amused…

…and who could blame them?  Don’t ‘ya just hate it when someone absconds with a rare and disputed cryptic animal that you’ve been chasing?!

America’s Best Eyeglasses Owl…

January 24, 2016


Owls have always had a popular following, representing as they do wisdom, knowledge, and learning.  Their popularity may have been further bolstered by their use in the Harry Potter books and movies.  

Recently an articulate and fine specimen has emerged as a spokesman for the America’s Best Eyeglasses line, suitably bespectacled and able to model different frames simply by an uncanny rotation of his head. The owl himself is both wise and extraordinarily expressive, with a lot of eye and other facial movement. He is further able to cast the hapless human into mimicking the usual owl role, reducing them to single-word utterances of “who?” as he elaborates on virtues of the eyewear company.

If Harry Potter had an owl of this caliber at his side, it might have been easier for him to take on Voldemort…

Wrath of the Turkey…

January 12, 2016

 In another Farmers Insurance commercial, we are shown the revenge of the “proud bird with the golden tail,” the long-suffering and oft disrespected turkey.  A “Meaty’s Butcher Shop” truck manned by a single hapless guy is making its way down the road when a turkey appears in its path, causing the driver to veer off the road and into a tree. The middle-aged gent then regards his passenger seat, where he be holds…a turkey!  The driver screams at the turkey, who gobbles loudly at him…

…payback, they say, is hell.  We then cut to an exterior shot of the disabled truck, with a mob of turkeys descending on it.  There is strength in numbers, and the delivery truck rocks from side to side as the turkeys administer their own brand of justice to one of their oppressors.  It’s reminiscent of a scene in the first Jurassic Park  movie where a throng of diminutive dinosaurs overwhelm and dispense with an especially obnoxious character in his vehicle.

We then cut to a scene with the unflappable J.K. Simmons escorting a client through their extensive Hall of Claims, where we gaze with them upon a much-mangled apron, last worn by the ill-fated delivery driver.  Farmers Insurance has seen just about everything, we are reminded, so they can insure against anything, including “Turkey Jerks…” 

Farmers Insurance: Stag Pool Party!

January 3, 2016

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Everyone knows that there are times when guys just need to be around the company of other guys so that they don’t have to worry about pleasing the does all of the time.  Then instead of talking about “relationships” and “feelings,” we can just hang out, overeat, watch “guy” movies, and I dunno, maybe play some table tennis…

…and so it is that a recent Farmers Insurance commercial takes us to a genuine stag pool party, namely one attended by stags.  They’re having a wild time of it, too, with loud music and commotion heard while the pool lights are off.  When the floodlights come on, however, all of the stags are frozen in place, the old “deer in the headlights” thing. The lights off/lights on sequence repeats several times, but each time the lights come on, there are subtle changes in the scenario, primary among which is that there are more and more stags actually in the pool!

The Farmers Insurance spokesman (J.K. Simmons) explains in their Hall of Claims that since they’ve seen about everything, they can insure just about anything…including, apparently, an out-of-bounds party for some not-so-timid woodlands creatures.  Party on, boys!

Roadkill Raps in Bosch Commercial!

December 24, 2015

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It’s Michael Jackson’s Thriller meets the British show Mongrels in a dark and bizarre commercial spot for Bosch’s Icon wiper blades sponsored by the Humane Society called, “Don’t Be A Roadkill Car.”  

A quintet of road-slaughtered animals brings home the message that better wiper blades by facilitating your vision might have prevented their gruesome demise.  Meet Frank the Squirrel, who peels his flattened and protesting self off the road surface to demonstrate a still impressive set of vocal chords.  He is joined by Buck the Deer, Francesca Fox, Streetz the Skunk, and a tire-marked rabbit.  I found Francesca especially compelling in how she could extend up her severed head in her own paws.  They’ve all clearly seen much better days, but are doing their best undead service for Bosch blades and animal preservation.  It’s a gutsy commercial, literally and figuratively…

The commercial/public service announcement pushes the envelope, and is likely to shock if not revolt some viewers; their performance and their singing will, however, likely stick in your head!  As a year-round fan of Halloween and horror, these singing furry zombies with a message furnished me with a perfect antidote for the Xmas merchandising we’ve been relentlessly exposed to since October…I’d buy their album!

 

Honda Pioneer 1000 “It Exists” Ad…

November 8, 2015

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 The Honda commercial begins with a breathtaking, pristine mountain wilderness. Then we hear the narrating voice of a young male, and see who we think the speaker is, moving along briskly in a Honda off-road vehicle…

“At first I thought I was just seeing things,” the youth relates. “But no, it was out there. Something was definitely out there. Whatever it is, it was big…and at one point I swear, we got so close that I could smell it.”

The scene then changes to…surprise!…a family of Bigfoot individuals, two adults and a juvenile who has been our narrator all along. With hand gestures and facial expressions, the juvenile Bigfoot continues; “But then, poof! It was gone!”

“Right,” says Bigfoot Dad with obvious sarcastic skepticism. The Bigfoot parents clearly don’t believe in such nonsense any more than many humans believe in Bigfoot. – – What has junior been smoking?!  It’s all a neat reversal, and these Bigfoot are not just grunting brutes. Turn-about, so they say, is fair play…

Redd’s Wicked Apple Halloween Commercial!

October 31, 2015

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Halloween is a wonderful time to let your inner furry self out, and a Redd’s Wicked Apple Halloween commercial shows us a werewolf with his date about to be served a Bloody Mary at the bartender’s recommended “perfect temperature of 98.6.” From above then falls a can of Wicked Apple Ale. Refusing the Bloody Mary, the werewolf seizes the gift from on high, and tells the bartender, “Nah dawg, I’m good!, ” walking away with the brew.

There’s some fine touches in this brief commercial, such as the mounted human head on the wall.  “This party is dead,” declares the bartender, adding “I love it!” So do I, dawg…and a Happy Howloween to all of you!

Yelp’s “Deer in Headlights” Commercial…

September 27, 2015

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In rural parts of Pennsylvania, hitting a deer on the road is a very real possibility at this time of year.  They’re in rut, you see, and the herds are stirred up as the big guys try to get lucky.  Poor Charlie and his wife have just had such an encounter, and they need to find a good body shop fast!  We are shown their car ramped up on the rear of the deer-driven vehicle, an antlered buck behind the wheel.

“”You just came out of nowhere!,” contests the woman driving to the buck. The deer makes agitated noises and flails around. “Calm down!,” urges the woman. “No one shot your mother,” she presents in a Bambi reference. The deer vocalizes and thrashes around some more, apparently saying something uncomplimentary about the human driver and raising the ire of her husband, who is ready to take on the buck and is becoming verbally abusive himself.

Fortunately, a Yelp representative is there to recommend a five star body shop, and it’s suggested that the deer and humans all go in there together. They are then shown standing in front of said establishment, although the buck remains mouthy and the human male combative.  – – Why can’t we all just get along?!

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Follow Your Instincts!

September 20, 2015

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It’s so hard to find a tasty and healthy snack on the African savanna!  Two lionesses in a Fiber One commercial would kill for something sweet, and are considering the available offerings. – – Flamingos? – – Nah, they’d have to eat about thirty of them.  One offers to split a hippopotamus with the other; too fat, also unacceptable.  The hippo appears to harrumph in surprise or indignation.

Fortunately, we humans don’t have to face such quandaries, with Fiber One providing sweet and healthy snacks at only 90 calories.  You don’t have to hunt and kill ’em, either…

 

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Starbucks “Workhorse” Commercial…

September 15, 2015

 

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Poor Elliot!  Although he’s in harness at work, it’s his co-worker Ned who gets noticed by their female boss, and called “a real workhorse.” When  Elliot spins around, neighs, and shakes his magnificent mane, his unappreciative boss only orders him back to work.  Typical office favoritism and partiality; sounds like this boss is a real nag!

It looks like Starbucks in this commercial is telling us that even an actual workhorse is no match for someone with a double shot coffee or such down the hatch.  Living on excessively high doses of caffeine, however, is no horse laugh, even if they do work you like one…been there, done that!