Archive for the ‘animals’ category

The Foxes of Easter…

April 9, 2023

Bunnies tend to take over at Easter, symbolic of spring and fertility. In some cultures and folklore, however, foxes have also registered an Easter presence.

Easter was originally a pagan festival dedicated to Eostre (Ostara), the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring. Her consort was a hare, hence the Easter Bunny. Ostara’s consort (lover?) had previously been a bird, hence the ability to lay eggs! It gets freaky, and it’s best not to question notions of shape-shifting and cross-species relationships. This notion of an Easter Bunny was solidified by Jacob Grimm of the Brothers Grimm, who believed that the hare was the sacred animal of Ostara…

But in Germanic traditions extending up to the mid-20th century, an Easter Fox was held responsible for the Easter eggs, and children would prepare a cozy bed of hay and moss for der Osterfuchs. Yeah! Now we’re talkin’! German and Dutch settlers brought the tradition of the Easter fox to the U.S. in the 18th century, where rabbits gradually took over the Easter duties…

But for those of us who are fur-ious that a rabbit supplanted us, we await the restoration of the true Easter fox to his proper post of rightful honor… 🦊

“Break Free” VW Tiguan Commercial…

November 22, 2022

As the movie Lamb showed us, sheep have been, well, shorn of proper respect and attention in the animal kingdom. They have untapped potential as pets and child-surrogates. This is brought to our attention in a recent commercial for Volkswagen’s Tiguan.

So what happens when you allow a wayward sheep into your VW Tiguan, and take him home with you? Well, he or she becomes much like a dog, hanging out the vehicle’s window, and making themselves at home in your home, demanding walks, drinking from the toilet, making a mess when you’re away, and adorably taking a bath while bleating.—Ahh, the many joys of pet-parenting!

Life gets bigger, you see, when you break from the herd. So “make your own kind of music.” Who am I to judge? Just don’t call your new ovine pet Lambchop. They might get the wrong idea…🐑

And a Happy Thanksgiving, y’all! 🦊

“The Real Cost” TV Spot, “Straw City”

October 25, 2022

The Big Bad Wolf continues to find new life in fresh incarnations, and this minute-long anti-smoking promo, while five years old, may have passed most of us by, and so bears visitation…

The Wolf here is kind of a pathetic figure, living a solitary existence is an apartment with a bare refrigerator. Seeking food, he gets in in his car, guided by his GPS, and goes to Straw City, which is populated by…surprise, pigs!

Now the Wolf used to be a seriously bad dude, you can tell by his leather jacket…but alas, years of smoking have so depleted his lung power that he now is incapable of blowing down their straw dwellings. Initially afraid, the pigs now look at him with a mixture of wonder and almost pity. Old Big Bad ain’t so bad anymore. One pig is so unconcerned that they walk past the Wolf while wearing headphones….

It’s too late for this Wolfie. He extracts a pack of cigarettes as he walks away, self-defeated. So toss the cigarettes…they ain’t no good for you! We preds have to keep our game up, ‘ya know… 🦊

The Lykoi, or “Wolf Cat…”

June 23, 2022

I like Lykoi cats, because they look feral and mildly scary, and I have a dark side. Like unto itself is drawn, ‘ya know! Because of their appearance, Lykoi cats are also known as Wolf Cats or Werewolf Cats. I figure that one might be a good sidekick or henchman for me when a door-to-door salesman, political aspirant, or religious proselytizer comes calling. Then it would be, “Are you gonna leave quietly, or do I have to turn the cat loose on you?”

But despite their appearance, these cats are actually quite sweet and affectionate, even if they do look like a witch’s familiar. Lykois have a naturally-occurring genetic mutation, and are a new breed recognized in 2012. They have no undercoat, so their hair tends to look coarse and mangy. They often develop a hairless “mask” of skin around the eyes, nose, muzzle, , and the back of their ears. Relatively rare, there are fewer than 100 show-standard Lykoi cats in the world.

So if you’d like a cat linked in name and appearance to the wolf who looks like Lon Chaney in transition, the Lykoi cat may be your ticket. They’re not really bad, they just look that way; magnificent! – – Rawrr!

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey

May 27, 2022

Say it ain’t so…Winnie the Pooh as a serial killer?! Yes, it is so in an upcoming horror movie. Winnie the Pooh and Piglet too have gone feral, abandoned by college-bound Christopher Robin and basically starving. It’s not exactly the beloved A.A. Milne characters from the original 1926 story here, nor their Disney versions. Nope, the boys have gone rogue, reverting to their wild roots and becoming seriously creepy. Piglet even sports tusks, and is clad in black…

In a scene which to me seems reminiscent of Steven King’s Christine, Pooh-bear is driving an ominous-looking vehicle. Just don’t bother looking for Eeyore the donkey, although you’ll see his tombstone. The boys have already killed and eaten him…

With the Winnie the Pooh tale now in the public domain, liberties may be taken with the classic story, although the film strives not to run afoul of Disney copyrights by omitting certain characters like Tigger, and changing the clothing styles of others. Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey is not a big budget horror movie, and was supposedly shot in just ten days.

So be afraid, be very afraid of Pooh and Piglet sneaking up on you in your bath. In this horror comedy, you might not even recognize them anymore.- – Aieee! 🙀

“Lucky Larry’s Landscaping” Progressive Commercial

April 24, 2022

I haven’t seen animal choreography this featured since Michael Jackson’s Halloween animated special (below). Catch that gem if you possibly can, especially the animal dance sequence performed to Jackson’s Dangerous. But I digress…

In Progressive Insurance’s commercial Timber, we are introduced to landscaper Lucky Larry, whose job is going so well that he sings to us about it emerging from his truck:

“Oh, the sun keeps shining and the grass is green, I’m way ahead of schedule with my trusty team!” 🎶

“There’s Heather on the hedges,” (complete with hedgehogs snipping) “and Kenny on the koi,” (one of which leaps up to kiss said worker), and we’re ready for an idyllic Disney-esque song and dance number on stairs with anthropomorphic raccoons, bunnies, and squirrels when the mood is shattered by the new guy worker accidentally dropping a tree on the work truck! 🙀

Fortunately, Progressive Insurance can have your small business covered for such calamities, even if Lucky Larry isn’t true to his name… ☘️

So let the dance continue, even if there aren’t foxes included in this number. I’ve gotta get me a better agent, that’s all… 🦊

Capitol Red Fox Caught…

April 9, 2022

I wish to disavow involvement with the incidents of a red fox biting nine people on the grounds of the U.S. Capitol, and have a perfect alibi; she was a female, you see…

She was a fine specimen, it must be admitted, and I’m sure that many of us can sympathize with biting people on the ankle, especially congressmen, but with nine confirmed bites, her doom was sealed. It saddens me to report that the fox was captured and euthanized, and did test positive for rabies. Even sadder is the fact that her kits were also reportedly captured and euthanized, too…

Rest In Peace, magnificent lady! You just took bite the power a bit too much to heart… 🦊

Walter, the Chevy Silverado Cat…

February 13, 2022

We’re quite used to seeing dogs in commercials, but cats not so much unless theyre hawking cat food or kitty litter. Walter the Cat changes all of that, appearing in a commercial for Chevy Silverado where he does everything a dog typically does, and more…

In the commercial, Walter is shown corralling cattle, chasing a mailman, riding a snowmobile, retrieving a stick thrown into water, leading a dog sled team, and even extricating a downed skier like a St. Bernard!

It’s all in a day’s work for the frisky feline, who rides shotgun in his master’s truck and shares a tent as well as any canine best friend. It is the Year of the Tiger, after all…Rawrr! 🦊

Geico’s “Angry Birds” Problem…

December 28, 2021

According to Geico, cultural icons are invading your home! You’ve got Muppet drummer Animal as an unwelcome guest in your attic, and Yogi and Boo Boo bears raiding your cookouts. In yet another example, Angry Birds from Rovio are doing the Hitchcock thing, smashing into the walls and windows of your home, and trashing feeders, lawn umbrellas, and flower pots on your patio!– – Aieee!

Now I know the three feathered fowl well, having an Angry Birds 2 addiction and leading a clan on the mobile game site. They are Red, Chuck, and Bomb, although Bomb certainly could have blasted through the window had he detonated. The homeowners are lucky that Terence didn’t show up, as the heavyweight probably could have gone through the wall as well. Matilda, Silver, and the Blues are likewise nowhere to be seen. Add in optional birds Bubbles, Hal, and Stella, and we could have reduced the whole house to splinters…pathetic humans!- –And why are there no Angry Foxes games?!

“The birds are back!,” one homeowner warns the other before the thumping and crashing continues. “Why are the birds so angry?,” wonders a neighbor peering over a fence. Perhaps there are green pigs in the neighborhood, stealing the avian’s eggs. In filming, the crew lobbed baseballs at the home to enable the actors to respond realistically to the impacts…

Fortunately, the homeowners have Geico insurance bundled to deal with the feathered predation. The assault of cultural icons must impact adversely on property values, one suspects… 🦊

The “Birds Aren’t Real” Movement…

October 14, 2021

Where performance comedy meets reality, you have the Birds Aren’t Real movement. Living as we are in a post-truth era where personal desires and perceptions take precedence for many over objective reality, we are awash in conspiracy theories to which a disturbing number of people ascribe...

The central mythos of Birds Aren’t Real is that beginning in the late 1950’s, federal agencies began exterminating all biological bird life in North America, replacing them with robotic surveillance drones. These drones watch and report on you to government agencies who in turn sell information about you. – – Don’t believe this? Well, have you ever seen a baby pigeon?!- – And why do you think that birds fly away when you approach them?

Now you see, Birds Aren’t Real is an organization that holds rallies and tours, much like other conspiracy groups that advance claims unbacked by science or factual evidence. It’s leader is Peter McIndoe, an earnest-appearing young man who blends parody and reality seamlessly. He has been spreading his gospel as a “bird truther” since 2016.

Alfred Hitchcock tried to warn us about avian attack drones many years ago in his prophetic film, The Birds. Shouldn’t we be putting up massive domes to keep these “undesirables” out? Remember the Avian Flu? Who knows what horrors some hidden laboratory is creating to be carried by these feathered fiends next?

And Big Bird, come on! Surely you don’t think he’s real? He’s just a clever propaganda creation engineered to lull our young into a false sense of security, and we invite him into our homes!

The revelation that birds are in fact surveillance drones is sure to put a damper on many traditional Thanksgiving dinners this year. I for one wouldn’t want to wind up with a mouthful of electronic parts, would you?! Should you swallow a few components, you probably become an enabler…

So just remember that if it flies, it spies! And ask yourself whether you get the joke, or are one of the people targeted by it. For what is a BIRD but a Basic Information Recording Drone? And bird watching goes both ways. – – Watch the skies, for they may be watching you! 🙀

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