Archive for the ‘bizarre’ category

The Aspen Dentist At Large…

April 19, 2018

The Aspen Dentist is ubiquitous, appearing in his crisp white clinical dental jacket in such locales as a beauty salon, a carnival, a garage, a frozen food aisle, and a restaurant.  The man has emerged from a sarcophagus, for cripes sake!  In some of his commercials, he is even whisked through the setting on a motorized reclining dental chair!  I am forced to consider that he may be some kind of trans-dimensional being, appearing as he does on multiple planes of reality unrelated to dentistry.  The dreaded dental chair is some kind of conveyance, like the Silver Surfer’s surfboard.  Or perhaps he is an alien, trying to disarm our suspicions as he operates from a flawed and troubling model of what his kind believes constitutes normal human behavior.  You have been warned…call Fox Mulder while there’s still time!

Parallels may be made to Progressive Insurance’s “Flo,” who is also in the world while not of it.  Flo and the dentist are disturbing approximations of reality, tuned to another wavelength entirely different from that of we mundanes.  There’s something not quite right about them.  Perhaps there’s even a hint of madness conveyed, dancing beneath the surface.  One should not approach or stare too closely, or perhaps you may be pulled into one of their parallel universes, never again to emerge, at least with your sanity intact.  Maybe the dentist is here to harvest our tooth enamel…or perhaps in the afterlife, the Almighty will intone, “Tsk, tsk…you really should have taken better care of your teeth!”  Is the Highway to Hell like the road to gum disease?!  At Foxsylvania, we dare to ask such questions…

So open wide, and no matter how you brush or floss, you’re doing it wrong.  And how do you wish to pay for today’s services?- – With your soul?, ahahahaha!  


Aspen Dental “Sarcophagus” Ad…

February 8, 2018

What’s creepier than a dentist appearing out of a huge golden sarcophagus in an ancient Egyptian artifacts museum?

Not a heck of a lot, really.  In a recent Aspen Dental commercial, it seems that a man and his wife are walking through an Egyptian museum puzzling over insurance coverage for dentistry when they approach an enormous gilded mummy case.  The lid slides open with fog rolling out, revealing an Aspen dentist, clad in his white clinical jacket.  The dude even has a dental chair in his body box, and explains how Aspen will work directly with insurance providers to make things easier.  The visiting male is somehow transported on to the dental chair…someone fetch the Egyptian Book of the Dead, quickly!

“If easy is wrong, I don’t want to be right!,” comments the dentist as both he and his unwitting patient descend into the sarcophagus.  The lid slides closed, leaving the hapless woman crying out to her husband.  We mentally process this surreal scene…is this what happens to you if you’ve led an evil life?  Ra moves in mysterious ways…

…perhaps Anubis was into dentistry, or maybe this is just one vision of hell, I dunno.  Perhaps this is how King Tut bought the farm, or maybe he died so young from gum disease.  Such things are beyond the comprehension of a simple woodlands creature like myself.  But speaking of hell, I go to the dentist next month…

The Nightmare Before Xmas?

December 4, 2017

As one might expect, decoration of the White House by the Trumps has proven…controversial.  While most of the rooms show traditional Xmas decor, one long hallway in particular has been termed eerie, spooky, and right out of a horror movie.  It’s presented here for your perusal…you decide!

“Darkness falls upon the land.  The midnight hour is close at hand.”* With enormous white skeletal branches clawing at you and emitting a preternatural light reflected by the cold, ice-like floor as you traverse the enormous length of the darkened hallway, you can almost feel the warmth being sucked out of your body.  It’s an “abandon all hope, ye who enter here” moment.  And wait…do you hear something?  Is the wind rattling those towering branches against one another like dried bones?  Or is something unspeakable about to rush up at you from behind?!  Could it be Jack Torrance wielding a knife, a dire wolf, or perhaps an especially nasty witch?  Has the Dark Side awakened? Wanna go for a slay ride along this dark road?  You can enter these woods, but you can’t check out, so “…stand and face the Hounds of Hell, or rot inside a corpse’s shell.”*  Little Red Riding Hood, you sure are lookin’ good…*

At any rate, there’s no escaping…how strangely appropriate!  Alright, cue the Vincent Price Thriller* narration…

* (With thanks to Michael Jackson and Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs…)

Advantage II for Cats Huge Flea Commercial…

July 25, 2017

Fleas the size of humans are the stuff of nightmares, especially if you happen to find them watching a movie with you, or (shudder) squirreled away all cozy in your bed… 

The giant fleas in the Advantage II for Cats commercial are both repulsive and oddly fascinating; it’s hard to look at them or away from them, perhaps because they’ve acclimated to human life so well.  They seem like world-weary couch potatoes, not really trying to make a fuss but just fit in.  And so it is when the woman vacuuming approaches the giant flea encamped on her couch, the insect very accommodatingly lifts a hind leg to allow her work to continue.  The flea fits in all too well, and is possibly less offensive than other house guests.  

If your cat has fleas, you probably do also” is the commercial’s disturbing message.  Perhaps in a sequel, we’ll hear the pitter-patter of not-so-little flea legs around the house, or see the one on the couch pick up the phone to order a pizza…

Hail, Caesar Salad!

March 3, 2017

 

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— Don’t you just hate it when this happens to you?  You order soup at a restaurant, but get the Caesar salad instead, complete with Julius Caesar?!  

In a recent Geico commercial, we are treated to this very scene at a serene and nice looking Italian restaurant.  Four dinners are about to enjoy their repast, but there stands Julius Caesar on the table, complete in period costume. He’s a right proper Shakespearean, too, complete with passionate oratory about how cowards die many times before their deaths, but the valiant only taste of death once.

“Waiter, I ordered the soup!,” complains a proper-looking sweet old lady to the staff.  The waiter apologizes profusely, and then guides Caesar from the table.  I don’t blame the older lady for complaining.  I wouldn’t want Caesar’s sandal-clad foot near my salad either.–  Hygiene, please, how about it?!

So Caesar is led off, a fish out of water, or salad as the case may be.  This time his conversation centers about getting his parking ticket validated.  And as for valor, we foxes know that discretion is the greater part of it…

Puppy Monkey Baby…

February 21, 2016

Some things nature never intended, and even the mad Dr. Moreau created by H.G. Wells would have shied away from.  The PuppyMonkeyBaby created by Mountain Dew and first airing on Super Bowl 50 is one such thing…

…a CGI mishmash creation, the bizarre/disturbing/hilarious creature melds the head of a pug dog with the body and tail of a monkey and the lower extremities of a human infant.  In the commercial, it enters with the advertised product, dances into the presence of three guys watching television, licks the face of one of them, and dances off again, all the while repeating its own name.  This is to promote Mountain Dew’s Jumpstart, a mix of the drink, juice, and caffeine.

People tend to either love or hate PuppyMonkeyBaby, which may cross the line between cute and horrifying. Perhaps it could be worked into an episode of the X-Files or Mountain Monsters (they probably couldn’t catch it). In the current American presidential election year, the strange and the outrageous have become rather commonplace,however…

Roadkill Raps in Bosch Commercial!

December 24, 2015

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It’s Michael Jackson’s Thriller meets the British show Mongrels in a dark and bizarre commercial spot for Bosch’s Icon wiper blades sponsored by the Humane Society called, “Don’t Be A Roadkill Car.”  

A quintet of road-slaughtered animals brings home the message that better wiper blades by facilitating your vision might have prevented their gruesome demise.  Meet Frank the Squirrel, who peels his flattened and protesting self off the road surface to demonstrate a still impressive set of vocal chords.  He is joined by Buck the Deer, Francesca Fox, Streetz the Skunk, and a tire-marked rabbit.  I found Francesca especially compelling in how she could extend up her severed head in her own paws.  They’ve all clearly seen much better days, but are doing their best undead service for Bosch blades and animal preservation.  It’s a gutsy commercial, literally and figuratively…

The commercial/public service announcement pushes the envelope, and is likely to shock if not revolt some viewers; their performance and their singing will, however, likely stick in your head!  As a year-round fan of Halloween and horror, these singing furry zombies with a message furnished me with a perfect antidote for the Xmas merchandising we’ve been relentlessly exposed to since October…I’d buy their album!