There are advantages to being a cybernetic organism. In addition to being extremely cool, it’s awfully easy to exercise when your lower body machine components are those of a motorcycle; just roll onto a treadmill, and you’re off to the races! You can even multi-task while you’re on a roll by reading a book. That’s right, our Progressive motaur isn’t just a pretty face getting his laps in, he’s improving his mind! We can all learn from this…
In our latest Progressive commercial, as our motaur hums along, he’s approached by a gym rat who tries to remind our man-machine that there’s a thirty-minute limit on the treadmill. “Tell that to the rain,” counters our motorcycle/man in a fashion which reminded me of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Tell it to the hand” line from Terminator 2. Would you care to argue with a cyborg? No, I didn’t think so. Our motaur sets the treadmill faster several times during the commercial, and calmly continues both his reading and his ride…
Turtles have made inroads into televised advertising, as seen before in a number of episodes of Comcast’s “Slowskys” depicting a turtle family with their technologically-hip son. Now Progressive insurance has also brought us an anthropomorphic father-and-son turtle duo, who we are shown sunning themselves on a rock overlooking a camper park. In the near background sits a large motorized camper which piques the younger turtle’s curiosity, prompting him to ask his father about the “moving house thing.”
Turtle-Dad responds that it’s a motor home, a modern invention, to which Junior replies that they’ve carried their houses around with them for “like forever!” Turtle-Dad chuckles, and then responds that the humans have Geico to cover them if anything goes wrong. “What could go wrong?,” wonders Junior out loud when a feather drifts down from above. “Ooh, a feather!” exclaims Junior with child-like wonder. Looking upwards, Turtle-Dad discerns a vulture sitting in the tree above them. “Duck, Junior!,” he alerts his son. Now sharing in the alarm, Junior qualifies his Dad’s response, correcting “That’s no duck, Daddy…that’s a vulture!”
The humans are clueless non-participants in the drama unfolding before them, but I doubt they’d be thrilled to see vultures roosting near their camper; perhaps a Stephen King-esque horror movie is about to begin here. The turtles as they retreat into their shells will hopefully live to see another day. They have warm and wonderful human-like eyes and expressions, and make a nice addition to the Geico advertising animal stable that memorably includes an office camel thrilled to see “hump day” arrive…
Apparently, there are others of his kind…Terrence Terrell’s Motaur, that is! We had previously seen Progressive’s unlikely motorcycle insurance icon in 2019 as a solitary bio-mechanical being appearing to wondering young humans at an isolated gas station. In the latest commercial, our Motaur appears with a fully-human companion on a mesa, observing with binoculars at some distance a herd of other Motaurs milling about before them.
As his companion babbles about how amazing it is to see them in the wild, he is shushed by our familiar Motaur who just wishes to become lost in the moment…then we hear motor sounds of the dirt-biking Motaur herd, buzzing about like angry hornets. They individually do wheelies, accelerate, and bound over the terrain. Terrence Terrell then raises his front wheel in a salute to his “people.“
Viewers may find the commercial cool, creepy, or incomprehensible but it celebrates the close bond between many bikers and their “rides.” I worry that perhaps these cyborgs have something to do with Skynet, soon to be followed by an imposing black leather-jacketed guy with sunglasses and an Austrian accent. Perhaps we really don’t have to be afraid of the Motaurs as those seen in the field appear strangely generic and not especially menacing…and hey, wouldn’t Don’t Fear the Motaurs be a great comeback song for Blue Oyster Cult? Bio-mechanical beings just wanna have fun, after all, although if their herd passes through my neighborhood noise ordinances may need to be deployed.
The recurrence of Motaurs continues to pose unanswered and troubling questions for me. Do they both eat and gas up, or is one act sufficient? Do they see both doctors and mechanics? How do they sleep, or do they? Are Motaurs born, assembled, or somehow pieced together in some kind of unspeakable Borg-type lab? Is there a cross-over into the Transformer world, or would Motaurs be their rivals if not enemies? Do Motaurs reproduce, breed only with their own, and if so, how (nowthere’s a disquieting thought!)? Anyhow, untold stories reside here, and inquiring minds want to know…
Bears have not gotten their proper representation or respect in commercials, with the toilet paper obsessed Charmin bears a case in point. One cannot readily imagine them functioning in a species-specific parallel world either, as the Chantix turkey appears to do so effortlessly in a number of memorable commercials. That may now change, as at long last, we are finally given a peek into a world where bears have meshed into the trappings of human civilization, courtesy of E*TRADE.
These bears calmly prowl the aisles of a supermarket on their hind legs, sniffing at cantaloupes and filling their shopping carts with generous amounts of honey, appropriately in those little bear-shaped clear containers. A bear family stops at the fish counter where they’re waited on by one of their own; there’s even a disabled bear who whizzes by in a motorized shopping cart! The cashier is likewise a bruin, calling for a price check on a honey container that stubbornly refuses to scan while the customer moans his annoyance.
“If this is your idea of a bear market,” we hear in the closing voice over, “maybe trading’s not for you.” We’re advised not to get mad, but rather get E*TRADE, and get more than trading…and I’d like to get more glimpses into the universe of these very relatable bears! They’ve evolved so far from the days of Yogi…
There’s a special place in my heart for 1950’s horror movies, especially those featuring giant monsters…and it’s hard to think of a better tag line for one than, “This was the day that engulfed the world in terror!” More than 60 years after its 1957 debut, The Deadly Mantis continues to be entertaining as a high camp classic, more amusing now than horrifying. The clumsy and dated not-so-special effects of the giant mantis flying are alone worth watching the film for.
In these times of invisible horrors like the coronavirus, it’s so nice to see our fears embodied as something gigantic and readily identifiable that we can shoot artillery at, and direct flame throwers towards; we know that we’re going to win against it at the end. I doubt, however, that bleach and bright lights would be effective against this thing. Perhaps we can get a large number of regular praying mantids together, and make one really big one like this that we could threaten murder hornets with. A Universal Picture creation, one yearns to see the Deadly Mantis locked in mortal combat with some creature from the Toho Studios world…Mothra vs. Mantis has a nice ring to it. Now that’s entertainment…I’d go bugs over that one!
In the strange world of evolution gone awry inhabited by the Chantix Turkey, we are gradually being introduced to other individuals there, and familiarized with their social activities. A recent episode takes us to their town fair, a rather folksy event at which our hero is apparently functioning as a worker. Nice guy or bird that he is, the turkey takes the plunge in a dunk tank before donning an apron, working thereafter at a ring toss game booth (above), a ticket booth, and even a cotton candy stand. This turkey does it all…
There are some subtle and cute touches in this ad, such as when the titular turkey walks past a fun house mirror, and we get to see his slenderized reflection in the mirror. It’s a delight to see the turkey’s distinctive walk here, as well as his trademark heel click out of exuberance at kicking the smoking habit.
The turkeys don’t seem to be socially distancing, so they’ve apparently avoided the Coronavirus. In their friendly and serene world, however, one wonders if the turkeys might someday have to deal with some variant of the avian flu, or perhaps just a hostile invasion by Elmer Fudd wanna-bes…oh the horror, the horror!
The Chantix Turkey is at it again in his Eddie Bauer-type winter finery, engaging in a genial snowball fight with another turkey that appears to be a juvenile and in some sources is referred to as being hischild! I never thought of this turkey as having a mate; he seems too happy and care-free for that, but I’m not programmed with the dynamics of turkey-bonding, and prefer not to go there. The presence of another turkey and perhaps turkey-unions also expands the notion of a universe inhabited by turkeys, as was glimpsed in a previous commercial that showed a journey by our hero into a city where he interacted with other turkeys. Perhaps this turkey race refer to their planet as “Butterball” or even more darkly as “Fowl World,” but that’s pure speculation…
At any rate, following a brief snowball battle conducted from snow forts, the turkey selects a wingful of split logs from a neatly-stacked pile, and moves inside with them through his tidy garage. The wood is to fuel a nice fire going in the turkey’s fireplace, and the turkey even selects a good book from his shelf to aid his cozy repose before those comforting flames. Before settling down in his comfy chair, the turkey even performs one of his trademark heel clicks to celebrate his liberation from the cigarette habit through Chantix, for the only thing smoking in his home will now be the fire…
Perhaps one of the contestants on The Masked Singer will someday be costumed as a turkey, and give us a smokin’ performance of Turkey in the Straw, or something similar…and I look forward to more glimpses of how evolution has run a strange course on this Planet of the Birds, perhaps one of the supposedly many parallel universes existing alongside our own…
“Group B” of Season 3 on The Masked Singer is currently in play, and 2/3 of the contestants were furry in the kickoff episode, with performances given by Mouse, Kitty, Frog, and Elephant as well as foodstuff costumed performers Taco and Banana. I swear that I’m not making this up! Besides, you just haven’t lived until you’ve heard an Elvis Presley standard performed by someone in a ludicrous banana outfit…but that’s A Little Too Much Conversation…
While all of the performances on this episode were strong, my personal fave was Frog, who together with Zoot-suit dressed dancers gave a memorable rendition of M.C. Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This in a mixture of rap meets the age of swing. While Masked Singer is a singing competition, the dance elements are what can really bring excitement to a performance, plus this Frog has a sense of fashion, and wears purple really well! Kitty brought kind of a burlesque vibe to her presentation that was sensual almost to the point of creepiness, performing Dangerous Woman by Ariana Grande. A favorite of the panel, it’s hard to look away from her differently-colored eyes that kind of draw you in…Meow!
When all was sang and done, the performer known as Elephant who performed Friday I’m in Love by The Cure garnered fewest votes, and so was voted off. He was revealed to be skateboarding legend Tony Hawk. Note the fox accompanying him on guitar; my people are everywhere...
Without a lot of advance advertising, The Masked Singer returned for a third season on the Fox network…and get this, a fourth season is coming this summer! The series continues to be outrageous and very furry friendly, with a majority of the contestants on the first episode identifiable species. There was also a Miss Monster and a Robot performing.
Series host Nick Cannon entered wearing a mirrored rabbit mask that he had worn before on a previous season, and guest celebrity contestant Jamie Foxx joined the usual panel of judges, wearing initially a mirrored fox mask. He had in season two been suspected of being the performer named Fox, who was actually Wayne Brady, the winner of last season’s competition.
The show got off to a roaring start with contestant White Tiger (pictured above, center)who was a large, physically impressive presence that performed Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.” Following was Turtle (far right), who looked like a punk reptile the Ninja Turtles might fight and performed “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal. Next was Llama (second in from right), looking like a tourist on recreational drugs who performed Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs.” Remarkably, this costume had hind legs on wheels. I thought that Llama’s back-up female llama dancers were also effective, and they played bongo drums strung around themselves occasionally. You just don’t see hot female bongo-playing llama-headed female dancers everyday..
Then there came Miss Monster (far left), a tribute to T-Pains character in the first season. She performed “Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt, and was joined on stage by the T-Pain character, who did not sing along. The back-up dancers for Miss Monster mirrored her cyclops look by having heads that were nothing but enormous eyes, a nice surreal touch. Following was Robot, a clunky retro-looking model complete with a large winding key on their back who performed a Lenny Kravitz number in the company of two lab-coated mad scientist types with white hair and guitars who reminded me of Thing One and Thing Two of Dr. Sseus fame. Last to perform was Kangaroo, attired in boxing togs like cartoon ‘roos in days of yore, who performed Dancing On My Own.
When the elimination vote was performed, Robot was eliminated, although I thought he didn’t give the weakest performance of the night, and should have abided far longer. When unmasked, Robot turned out to be Lil Wayne, a very commercially successful performer. The Masked Singer airs on Fox Wednesday night in my area…
Many of us know geriatric nuts, but Mr. Peanut was one of a kind…I mean, how many anthropomorphic peanuts do you know?! The brand icon, whose full name was Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe, is a strange candidate for a staged death, being more recognizable than his host brand Planters. He’s anchored the brand for over a century, and is instantly recognizable by his top hat, cane, monocle, and spats.– How many people do you know who wear spats?
In a recent commercial, Mr. Peanut is riding in the Nutmobile (what else?) with Matt Walsh and Wesley Snipes when they swerve to avoid hitting an armadillo, and their distinctive ride careens over a cliff, leaving the trio hanging in a comic book situation from a branch that is slowly cracking, too weak to support their combined weight. Mr. Peanut, perceiving their dire predicament, sacrifices himself for his friends, voluntarily loosening his hold to drop from the great height onto the Nutmobile, which explodes. It appears to be a tragic but noble death…or have we jumped (or dropped) to conclusions?
The “funeral” of Mr. Peanut is to be aired as a Super Bowl commercial spot, at which time many questions will be answered about the fate of the “ruthless capitalist” who sold his own people! Will he germinate when placed into the ground, to come back in some new incarnation…or perhaps be replaced by his daughter, Ms. Peanut? Inquiring minds want to know…
FOXSYLVANIA 
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