Archive for the ‘anthropomorphic’ category

Wooden Personalities?

August 1, 2014

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I’ve always found it fairly easy to ascribe to the notion of sentient plant life.  I swear that the weeds are implementing a master plan to take over my lawn and garden, and mock me when I seek to eradicate them.  “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can imagine!,” cry their tiny voices in my ears, echoing old Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars.  If you would look for examples of intelligent plant life in movies or on the small screen, consider the carnivorous alien Audrey II plant from Little Shop of Horrors, the Triffids, the Jolly Green Giant, and a host of others.  We just haven’t had a good sentient plant around recently.

Fortunately, we have the character of Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy coming to our rescue!  Yeah, I know he’s essentially a sentient tree, but he does appear with a raccoon, so he merits mention here.  Furthermore, Groot is voiced by none less than Vin Diesel, so you know that this is a plant to be reckoned with!  While Groot is integral to the action of Guardians, he isn’t much of a talker, saying only one three-word line in the entire movie (“I am Groot!“).  Still, Vin Diesel voiced that line in several languages for movie outtakes, and even wore stilts coming in to the recording studio so as to better assume more of the character’s stature…and you thought that method acting was dead!

I’ve always liked the actor as an action hero, although some might say that his performance here is a bit…wooden, ahahahaha!

Revenge of the Grassman!

July 28, 2014

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In the two-hour season finale of Mountain Monsters, our heroes (?) battle a pack of Grassmen and nearly run afoul of trigger-happy moonshiners in Perry County, Ohio. Buck gets taken out of action by his quarry, and Wild Bill manages to set his pants on fire! Yes, it’s heart-stopping action and low comedy in S2/Ep14 of this “guilty pleasure” type show…one you may watch, but hate yourself for afterwards!

Anyways, the Ohio Grassman is the biggest of the Bigfoot-clones, standing 8′ to 10′ tall, and weighing in at about 1,000 lbs. He has shaggy reddish-brown hair, and appears to be expanding his habitat, bugging the heck out of area farmers by messing with their stuff and in some cases, causing them to live in fear.

First interviewed by the team was “Legman,” a mechanic who heard loud noises close to his house and captured an audio recording, which in team leader Trapper’s opinion sounded like a dying raccoon’s screams. The first night’s hunt took place near “Moonshine Hollow,” where a Grassman heel print and scat were found. The AIMS team did not call it scat, having colorful terms for many things that are not repeatable in polite company. The team then entered a ruined “shine house” used by area moonshiners to concoct their brew. A suspected abandoned Grassman nest was found in the house, but the moonshiners did not take the intrusion kindly, firing off a warning shot and driving the AIMS team out.

Meanwhile, Willy and “Wild Bill” sought to gather materials for trap construction from the salvage yard of “Wild Bill’s” Uncle LeRoy, who was not at home, his nephew speculating that said uncle may have had to go see his parole officer! The absence did not stop Willy and Wild Bill from claiming a junk van, and fabricating it as a trap by modifications such as putting plate steel over the van windows.

Trapper and the rest of the team interviewed “Bernie and Linda,” who had taken and shared a video of something with considerable height going past their window. Also interviewed was “Patrick,” a land owner who saw a huge, hairy being, and produced a video of the same near their cabin. On the final night’s hunt, the team received a call from a nearby farmer, who claimed that the Grassman was in his hay barn. The team hurried there, and while in the upper barn loft saw a hole in the floor. Willy poked around in that hole with his shotgun barrel, and had the weapon ripped from his hands by something in the lower barn. The team then bumbled around the unfamiliar farm complex, separating at times to better survey things. During this time, team member “Buck” got bowled over and battered by a door violently propelled inward, presumably by the Grassman. You might say that Buck got smoked by the Grassman, who seemed to be on a roll at that point. Buck was evacuated with shoulder injuries and apparent superficial bleeding. Returning to their van trap, the remaining team members found that it had been ripped apart, with all bait removed. – – You go, Grassman! Things had apparently gotten personal for most of the team members at this point, who decided to persevere despite getting their collective backsides kicked.

Falling back and seeking to gain more information, the team the next day interviewed “Erik,” a hunter, who had heard and recorded a sound that the team felt was that of the Yahoo from West Virginia. Most of the team then took the risk of going to see the moonshiners again, who met them with guns but agreed to send the team to a clandestine meeting with one of their number who, talking out of a truck, claimed that there were a pack of Grassmen, and that one was their leader. The moonshiners had apparently placated the Grassmen for some time with fermented corn left out for them, but such tributes were no longer working as the Grassmen were beginning to tear up stills and otherwise intrude on moonshiner territory. The moonshiners agreed to let the AIMS team continue their pursuit of the Grassman so as to be rid of him, but also issued thinly-veiled threats to the team if they overstepped their boundaries; these guys play for keeps, and have itchy trigger fingers.

Back at their camp at night, the team was under siege by Grassmen, and sought to chase them from the area in one of their ATV’s when the vehicle was nearly tipped over by a large rock thrown at it! They beat a hasty but awkward exit from the disabled vehicle, finding themselves encircled by multiple Grassmen, who threw multiple rocks and limbs at them, one of which hit team leader “Trapper” in the head and knocked him to the ground! Warning shots were fired which drove the attacking creatures off.

The next day, Willy and “Wild Bill” set up a “mine field” of leg hold traps buried in the ground, with the field baited by fermented corn left unannounced by the moonshiners. They also had been left a crude note of advice guiding them to a “North Point” where something existed that the Grassmen supposedly didn’t want seen. Going to a barn in that location, something pulled at Trapper’s leg, causing him to loose his balance and fall. Numerous footprints were seen outside in the snow, and Grassman “nests” were seen in the barn. Impacts were heard against the barn walls, and a “mash stash” was found in the barn where the Grassmen had stored it. The AIMS team confiscated the fermented corn, thinking that this would drive the Grassmen in search of it into their leg traps. Driving back to their camps, something thrown again impacted with the ATV, forcing the team into a defensive posture with Willy and Wild Bill going back on foot to the camp to fetch the other vehicle and finding the camp trashed. The team returned in the other ATV to go to the trap area when something yet again impacted with the ATV, that object turning out to be one of the leg hold traps that had been ripped from the ground!

Now this was pretty slick, indicating that the Grassmen had both figured out where and what the concealed traps were, and demonstrating their considerable strength in tearing them from the ground. Repeatedly under attack and thwarted at every turn and with their camp trashed, the AIMS team abandoned their pursuit at that point, but resolved to be back in the future. This looked like an end-of-season “cliffhanger” to me, intended to draw viewers back for yet another season and a potential grudge match with the Grassmen…

Dish Kangaroo Hopper “Mommy Mind” Commercial

July 10, 2014

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Other than the occasional “Aussie” hair products commercial, you don’t see a lot of kangaroos in advertising, and it’s hard not to like this little guy, who appreciates a good nap yet is there when you need him. The ‘roo is of the size and general appearance of a stuffed animal, and is sensibly belted into his seat. Riding shotgun in the family car with Momma at the wheel and two boys beginning to fuss in the back seat, the Dish kangaroo awakens from a sound sleep, proclaiming that naps are awesome!  He quickly takes the measure of the feuding kids in the back seat, telling the driving Mom, “Chill out, Momma Bear…I got this!” as he hands the warring brats a tablet with their favorite shows on it. – – Why, it’s a miracle! The brats shut up, and blessed silence again reigns, their little minds engaged by the shows that have been downloaded to the tablet by the Dish Hopper feature. It’s so much better than throwing the kids from the moving vehicle, and with far less legal complications!

“How did you do that?,” asks the grateful and incredulous Mom. The kangaroo then explains how with the Hopper he put all of the kids’ fave recorded shows on the tablet, “So you wouldn’t lose your Mommy mind in the car.”

“Mommy likes Dish!,” responds the long-suffering Mother, who has been driven half out of her nut by her kids.  I’m sure that lots of parents can identify with that on a car trip of any duration.

“OK!,” responds the kangaroo, with a tone and expression indicating that he is slightly weirded out by Mommy’s reaction…and wouldn’t “The Kangaroo in the Car” or “Road ‘Roo” be a great title for a kid’s book?!

The Gecko Meets Rocky and Bullwinkle…

June 16, 2014


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Rocky and Bullwinkle have had a cult following since the 1960’s, falling into lean times until a big-screen movie treatment brought a modest revival of sorts.  Geico has occasionally honored classic ‘toon heroes in their commercials, including the great Wile E. Coyote.  While neither Rocky nor Bullwinkle can aspire to the lofty title of genius rightfully bestowed on the Coyote, it’s still good to see them occasionally getting out and about in public. This was the case in a recent Geico commercial where we first see the omnipresent Gecko in the Rocky Mountains, reflecting on the enduring qualities of both the Rockies and his insurance company employer.

Enter the irrepressible Bullwinkle Moose, long a fountain of misinformation.  Now the Moose and Squirrel have been the embodiment of randomness long before it became mainstream, and when the Gecko speculates about whom the Rockies were named after, Bullwinkle J. Moose appears out of nowhere, and unasked ventures that they were named after his friend and constant companion, Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Rocky himself then flies in, balancing endearingly on the Moose’s palm.  Rocky tries to correct Bullwinkle, who then shifts to an explanation that the Rockies were named after “First President George Rockington.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” correctly observes the Gecko at this point, referring to Bullwinkle as, “Mr. Winkle.”  Apparently recognizing that logic is wasted on Bullwinkle, Rocky executes multiple dramatic flying loops around his friend, and flies off.  The whole commercial doesn’t make a lot of sense, but such was the general nature of the sixties show about the best-known residents of Frostbite Falls

The Tums Meatball Commercial…

June 11, 2014

 

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I, for one, find the thought of a combative meatball oddly disturbing, especially when it’s of near-human size. Now the Tums people have in commercials brought us some rather bizarre sights before, including a chicken wing that whips its consumer across the face, an attacking taco, and worse still, a giant headless chicken carcass ready to use its martial arts skills at a barbecue.  Still, we are reassured by Tums that such things may yet be resolved, so that the chicken corpse may amicably play volleyball with us in the end; one can under some circumstances play with their food.

In this vein, we are shown the scene of an apparently pleasant Italian dinner into which a bellicose meatball drops sauce on a diner, then parachutes down, and immediately picks an argument with him. “Ya want heartburn?  I got yer heartburn right here!,” challenges the meatball.  Surrealistically, this meatball has bare human arms and legs. I will not venture a guess about the meatball’s sex, as I prefer not to go there. Suffice it to say, however, that had Hitler deployed meatball paratroopers in sufficient numbers, the course of World War II might have run quite differently, or at least been more entertaining…plus the troops would have eaten well.

While they’re annoying, it turns out to be fairly easy to hold a giant meatball at bay, being that they’re rotund, and will just swing their short little arms at you if you hold them at arm’s length.  Then with Tums, the spicy meatball becomes quite personable, joining you at your table for an after-dinner coffee.  Probably they also know some funny stories…and it adds a new dimension to calling someone a meathead

 

The Russian Yeti…

June 7, 2014

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The Discovery Channel recently presented a two hour investigation on the mysterious deaths of nine Russian students who perished horribly while hiking in the Ural Mountains in January of 1959…the Dyatlov Pass Incident. The deaths were horrendous, involving injuries so severe that Russian investigators later ruled that they could only have been inflicted by something more powerful than a human; there were skull fractures, ribs broken, and damages to internal organs.  Injuries were compared to those which might be suffered in automobile accidents. Bodily mutilations  were also seen; one victim had their eyes gouged out, and their tongue and lips missing. The show inferred that the students were viciously slaughtered by a Yeti, investigating the history and other reported sightings of the creature in that area, and speculating on the last days of the ill-fated hiking party.  It made for compelling if disturbing viewing…

Now reports of the Yeti are numerous in the Northern Ural Mountains of Siberia, with over 5,000 eyewitness testimonies on record.  Yeti/Bigfoot creatures go by many different names dependent on the area, with those in the area of the incident often calling the cryptid the Menk or more simply, the Russian Yeti.  The creature is described as being about 8-1/2 feet high, to have little in the way of a neck, to be hairy, and walk in a bipedal fashion with somewhat of a hunched posture.  They are also reported to make whistling-type sounds that carry and reverberate.  Yeti attacks while rare are alleged to have occurred in 1925, 1945, and 1953, possibly when the Yeti feel cornered or threatened.

Anyways, none of the students returned from what was supposed to have been a two-week hiking trip. Perceiving themselves to being followed several days into the journey, tensions and concerns heightened until on their final night alive, something so frightened the hikers that they abandoned their tent, fleeing only partly dressed into the frigid night to a point almost a mile away where they split into smaller groups, all the individuals in which met with violent ends; some may have been trying to climb a tree to escape, others were found lying face down as if fleeing a pursuit from behind, and still others were found in a group intertwined together as if in hiding.  Their frozen bodies were discovered some time later, and in their abandoned and ruined camp a short note was found bearing the haunting message, “Now we know the snowman exists.”  

Film was also recovered from the doomed expedition, one image of which showed a blurry image of a large, hulking creature (see picture) that was perhaps taken on the run.  The last photo showed distorted bright lights in the sky, which it was speculated may have been some kind of secret Soviet munitions test; this was a remote location in Siberia, after all.  Thinking that this may have scared the Yeti into an attack, the investigative duo and their camera team fired off flares seeking to provoke any Yeti in the area; only one armed hunter had accompanied the group for protection.  An eerie sound was heard from the forest, with the solitary armed man suggesting that they needed to leave at that point, and wisely they did.  The team left with no hard evidence of the Yeti, but a general belief that something unknown was out there, and may well have decimated the Russian hikers in 1959.

The Soviets had closed their investigation of the incident after only several weeks, officially maintaining that overwhelming natural forces such as an avalanche had killed the hikers or caused them to freeze to death.  A surviving member of the Russian investigative team was interviewed, however, saying that a military boot cover was found at the site of the abandoned camp, suggesting that the Soviet military had been there prior to their arrival and orchestrated a cover-up.  UFO theorists also offer the explanation that perhaps the hikers were offed by aliens, with the lights in the skies that fateful evening coming from extraterrestrial craft.  High levels of radioactivity were reported to have been detected in the area, with the skin of the victims reported by one who attended their funerals to have been deeply tanned, perhaps radiation burned.  

Whatever we may choose to believe, the Dyatlov Pass Incident continues to horrify and fascinate over half a century since the event, with many unanswered questions posed that may never find resolution…

 

Sheepsquatch of Boone County…

May 10, 2014

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The latest episode of Mountain Monsters (S2/Ep06) proved that it continues to be a wild and wooly show with the pursuit of a Sheepsquatch in Boone County, West Virginia.  The Sheepsquatch has been profiled on a number of other paranormal shows, and is kind of a hybrid creature with goat, sheep, and possum characteristics.  It reportedly has wool-like fur, ram-type horns, claws, weighs in excess of 600 lbs., and stands about seven feet in height.  First spotted by coal miners in the 1800’s, the Sheepsquatch seems to be enjoying a rash of recent sightings and notoriety.

The AIMS team first interviewed “Mason,” a deer hunter who saw something about seven feet tall with a musky smell and dirty white color that made growling or screeching noises, and was apparently trying to get at deer feeders that he had set in the area.  In that vicinity, the investigators also found claw marks high on a tree.

During the first night’s investigation which followed, team researcher Jeff saw thermal images ahead of something on a tree which seemed to be beating its head against another tree.  Finding that tree’s location, team leader “Trapper” saw urine on the tree, and unwisely got so close to the urine source that in a moment of horror or low comedy, the caustic urine dripped into his face, blinding him temporarily and causing painful discomfort.  Knowing when they had been beat, the team retreated with their disabled leader at that point, Round One clearly going to Sheepsquatch!

The next day, “expert tracker” Wild Bill managed to get lost finding the trap construction site, arriving three hours late despite being provided with directions and a map…this was a funny episode!  A razor-wire trap 10′ tall was constructed while other team members interviewed “Rocky,” a deer hunter whose trail cameras had captured a partial image of something wooly with horns.  Rocky also had a container of supposed Sheepsquatch scat (feces), from which it was determined that the producer was omnivorous. Last interviewed was “David,” a craftsman who heard a roar like a jungle cat, and took a video showing something large coming up behind a pile of logs, which were splintered. 

On the final night’s hunt, the team split into two groups and tried to flush the creature up a deer trail area it frequented to their trap.  Fresh tracks and hot spots were found on the ground, together with claw marks on a tree.  A roar was heard, and eyes it was felt were seen about 60 yards ahead.  They tried to pursue the beast on foot, but it easily outdistanced them.  Taking to two ATV’s to even the odds, they pursued at high speeds on the rough and darkened terrain.  One ATV impacted with something that broke the windshield and stopped the vehicle’s progression.  The interpretation given was that Sheepsquatch had decided to turn and fight, with a circular hole in the ruined windshield felt to have been made by one of the beast’s horns.  The other ATV stopped to check on their comrades and continued the pursuit on foot, but Sheepsquatch or whatever was long gone…

…so you might say that the AIMS team was mauled by mutton, ahahahaha! 

 

Werewolf of Wolfe County…

May 8, 2014

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Recently I watched a marathon of Destination America shows, emerging with only a few brain cells intact but catching the original Mountain Monsters show, S1/Ep01 originally airing in 2013.  In it we see the AIMS team uniting for the first time, that standing for the Appalachian Investigators of Mysterious Sightings.  The “West Virginian Sons” go in pursuit of the Werewolf of Wolfe County, Kentucky, a bipedal cryptid canine described as being a cross between a bear and a gorilla, standing about 7′ high and weighing around 400 pounds.

Deviating little from their habitual formula, the bearded investigators first interviewed an eyewitness described only as “R,” a marksman who described seeing a large, dark-colored wolf in a wooded area.  On their first night’s investigation, the AIMS team saw claw marks on an overhang, and found a large bone pile or kill site.  “The SOB is a mountain monster, and we’re on his ass!,”  pronounced the team leader.  

A drop-cage trap was constructed out of salvaged junk yard metal, and a second eyewitness, “Turtleman,” was interviewed.  This survival specialist described seeing a wolf-like creature who walked on two legs, and presented a video of a black, hulking creature seen in the distance.  A third eyewitness, a hunter-trapper called “Jasper,” reported hearing the howl of a creature, and saw a large unfamiliar track that he photographed.

Well, the trap was baited with a poor goat called “Daisy,” and the team found additional tracks indicating that whatever made them had a 6′ stride.  On the final night’s hunt, the group split into two, with one contingent finding what appeared to be a lair, where movement was seen and fur.  Thinking that multiple werewolves were involved, team members heard a rather haunting howl, and saw movement on their thermal camera.  They went to their ATV’s and headed to their trap, finding that it was unsprung and that Daisy the goat was safe and well.  Tracks found on the site indicated that the werewolf had circled the area, with a camera left on the site giving some partial images of something having passed the camera’s lens and perturbing the goat.  It was concluded that the trap’s trigger had been set the wrong way, and as for the werewolf, “He plumb out-smarted us,” in the memorable words of one team member.

Little has changed in the episodes which have since followed, but this is how it all began! I only wish that Daisy the goat had been continued as an on-going character, however…she seems to embody the spirit of the series…

 

CarFax “Mole” Commercial…

May 6, 2014

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Foxes are stealthy, and in our secret underground lairs, we track...many things.  What we track is on a “need to know” basis, but we will share that one of the things we track are accidents.  So when a balding middle-aged man makes a request in a new commercial released in April to see the CarFax, the floor beneath him opens up, and he is spirited via a tunnel to arrive in the presence of that great and secret control center, still seated in his easy chair.  The Car Fox himself appears before him, but we see that he has a number of able assistants, all vulpine, seated at a number of computer terminals that monitor and regulate operations.  The underground operations center is truly impressive, looking efficiently high tech, just like one of those command centers operated by Blofeld or one of the Bond villains.  They were, of course, mere amateurs by comparison…

The casually-attired Car Fox answers the human’s questions, only because it amuses him to do so.  We are made privy to the information that the foxes employ moles to dig up facts, and we are shown one of these moles gathering information with binoculars.  The moles are simply operatives, of course…foxes are the real brains of the operation.  In a different commercial, opossums are shown to gather service information on a vehicle.  One can never have too much information…empires are won and lost over such matters.

The Car Fox has evolved greatly since his humble beginnings as a simple puppet on the hand of an unscrupulous salesman.  But you can rest assured that your fox overlords only have your best interests at heart.  After all, we live to serve…(wink, wink!)

Werewolf of Webster County…

April 26, 2014

wpid-1398476464326.jpg – – When a werewolf is matched against armed West Virginian “Mountain Monsters” hunters, my money is on the werewolf!  In S2/Ep/04, the Mountain Monsters crew went in search of the Webster County werewolf in West Virginia, a creature over seven feet tall and weighing over 400 pounds with yellow eyes who is most active during the full moon. The legend of the werewolf dates back to 1770, when some Native Americans were killed along a Shawnee game trail, their chief supposedly reincarnated as a werewolf. Notably, wolves are not indigenous to West Virginia.

Following the show’s formula, the team then interviewed an eyewitness, a trapper named “Boone” who reported seeing a wolf with glowing neon-like eyes standing seven to eight feet tall on his hind legs. On their first night’s hunt, the crew saw thermal impressions on the ground, heard a howl, and thought that the creature had a deadfall trap set for them! They saw a second thermal image on a rock that appeared to be the shape of a large wolf. Approaching the rock sighted, apparent claw marks were seen on it. The rock was pronounced the werewolf’s “howling rock.”

The crew then prepared a rock pit trap, a deadfall-type trap with a two-ton slab of rock poised to fall over it. Then came the most scary moment of the show; the team leader, “Trapper,” extracted a tooth that was paining him using a pair of pliers! I swear that I am not making this up! Prior to this point, he had been self-medicating for a toothache with moonshine. Apparently, dentistry is more feared among this group than unidentified monsters. Gap-toothed grins in several of the members testify to this.

An interview then followed with “Hank,” a land owner who shared a video he had taken while driving past an upright, black-furred creature. Also interviewed was “Gunner,” a hunter who presented a picture of a huge black wolf taken by a trail camera.

On the final night’s hunt, the trap was baited with chicken, and the team split into two groups, hoping to drive the werewolf from opposite directions along the Shawnee game trail into the trap. One group found a bedding area apparently used by the beast that was littered with cattle bones. The other group caught a sighting of eyes in the near distance and the usual gun-waving and confusion ensued, one of the team in the excitement even managing to fall from a tree perch…but don’t despair, he only had the wind knocked out of him!

Converging and meeting by their trap, the investigators discovered…gasp…that the trap had been sprung, but that the prey had dug himself out, apparently dislodging the two-ton rock slab cover in the process! “We outsmarted him, but we underestimated his strength,” concluded the team leader. Once again, a magnificent werewolf has emerged unscathed, and may he ever confound his unworthy pursuers! – – I just love happy endings, don’t you?