Archive for the ‘television’ category

Follow Your Instincts!

September 20, 2015

image

It’s so hard to find a tasty and healthy snack on the African savanna!  Two lionesses in a Fiber One commercial would kill for something sweet, and are considering the available offerings. – – Flamingos? – – Nah, they’d have to eat about thirty of them.  One offers to split a hippopotamus with the other; too fat, also unacceptable.  The hippo appears to harrumph in surprise or indignation.

Fortunately, we humans don’t have to face such quandaries, with Fiber One providing sweet and healthy snacks at only 90 calories.  You don’t have to hunt and kill ’em, either…

 

wpid-wp-1442789714495.jpeg

 

Starbucks “Workhorse” Commercial…

September 15, 2015

 

wpid-wp-1442349315710.jpeg

Poor Elliot!  Although he’s in harness at work, it’s his co-worker Ned who gets noticed by their female boss, and called “a real workhorse.” When  Elliot spins around, neighs, and shakes his magnificent mane, his unappreciative boss only orders him back to work.  Typical office favoritism and partiality; sounds like this boss is a real nag!

It looks like Starbucks in this commercial is telling us that even an actual workhorse is no match for someone with a double shot coffee or such down the hatch.  Living on excessively high doses of caffeine, however, is no horse laugh, even if they do work you like one…been there, done that!

Tums Hot Dog Campsite Attack!

September 7, 2015

 

wpid-wp-1441639092383.jpeg

They bay at the moon, and attack your campsite in a pack, like wolves…the creepy, four-limbed, human sized hot dogs in a recent Tums commercial, that is! Brandishing a burning stick in one hand and his Tums package like a cross before a vampire, our intrepid camper is able to drive the marauding processed meats off.  Such is life in the Twilight Zone of the food chain…(shudders)

Be afraid, be very afraid…Tums has lately alarmed us with tales of assaultive meat foods that have included chicken wings, a nightmarish headless barbecued chicken, sky-diving meatballs, and what appeared to be a very angry corned beef sandwich.  It’s enough to make me want to add additional countermeasures to my existing zombie defense network…

Geico Water Hazard Monster!

September 3, 2015

wpid-wp-1441320658484.jpeg

Golf tends not to be especially thrilling as a spectator sport, but it could be enlivened considerably by making the water hazards truly hazardous, say by putting a Kraken into the water!  Golfer Bill in a recent Geico commercial is having a truly bad round when an enormous tentacle whips out of the water and ensnares him, the golfer flailing helplessly against its iron grip.

The sportscasters in the face of this spectacle are unflappable, commenting in whispered tones about how the golfer’s five iron may not be enough club to handle this situation; he’s gonna lose a stroke on this one!  More of the Kraken then becomes  visible for inspection, and it is truly a beast of Lovecraftian proportions; now this is a sporting event!  Still nonplussed, the sportscasters continue to comment in whispered tones; it’s what they do

I’d pull up a chair and pay to see golf matches like this!  With quicksand, scorpions, and rattlesnakes, perhaps we could also lend new meaning to tired old golf course “sand traps.”- – Now that’s entertainment!

Whooping Cough Wolf!

August 24, 2015

 

 

wpid-wp-1440434212300.jpeg

“Aww, doesn’t the baby look sweet…and tender?”

So you might think that the wolf was thinking in an edgy current public service health commercial about the dangers of whooping cough exposure for infants.  In the Big Bad Cough spot, a couple is taking their infant child to visit a grandmother, who transforms from human to lupine right before our eyes!  This is supposed to represent the hidden danger posed by whooping cough, carried by the unwary grandmother.  Pertussis is a spreadable disease especially dangerous to young children, and the commercial draws upon the classic Red Riding Hood tale.

Now wolves tend to generally get a bad press, representing nothing positive.  The Red Riding Hood story has been reworked and re-told a variety of ways, but I’ve always felt somewhat sympathetic towards wolves, and the notion of a wolf in bed wearing a grandmother’s clothing is not without its comic elements, at least in my twisted mind. Perhaps the wolf rather enjoyed the cross-dressing…at any rate, he deserved better than being axed to death by a woodman!  In one revisionist kiddie literature version, the story is re-told from the wolf’s perspective…now that’s entertainment!

The Beasts of “Thrones”

July 26, 2015

 

wpid-wp-1437775645331.jpeg

There are many reasons to watch HBO’s Game of  Thrones, including the superb acting, the complex plotting and character development, and the rich medieval settings inspired by European history.  Animal life as depicted in the series includes both present day and extinct species as well as fantasy creatures, some of which serve the human characters.  We are shown both dire wolves and dragons, for example, in continuing episodes.   An obedient dire wolf like Ghost can keep you safe from just about any hazard you might encounter in the wilderness, and an army with dragons in service is capable of laying waste to a castle.

Beyond such creature features we are introduced to the concept of a warg or skin-shifter, who is a person capable of slipping mentally into the mind of an animal and dominating that beast, making it do their bidding and seeing through its eyes.  Think mental dominance, kind of like Andy McGee’s character in Firestarter or the Jedi knights of Star Wars, but with an added remote viewing component.  It’s handy, for example, to slip into the mind of a bird for aerial surveys of the enemy’s location, and causing wolves to attack foes is also a useful skill.  Being a warg might be a nice power to have if you can’t actually shapeshift.

All in all, getting into Game of Thrones is a journey worthy of your time if you have any taste for medieval fantasy epics, and you can access past seasons on the “on demand” feature of cable services or pay per episode through Amazon.  I’d recommend starting the series at the beginning and working your way sequentially through to avoid feeling hopelessly confused should you jump in mid-stream.  Author George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire upon which the series is based is also quite a read…

James Patterson’s “Zoo” is Coming!

June 26, 2015

wpid-wp-1435336037761.jpeg

When the revolution comes, mammalian furries of different species will work together, communicate over distances, and intelligently coordinate devastating attacks upon humans that will utterly overwhelm and decimate them!

So is the general premise of Zoo, a popular 2012 novel co-authored by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge. That novel is soon to become a television series on CBS, beginning this upcoming Tuesday evening.  Thirteen episodes are assured, with perhaps additional ones to follow should the series catch on.  Zoo will be set in a variety of different locations around the world rather than in a single unchanging site.  Lion attacks in Los Angeles, California will apparently be featured early on, but we will also see domestic cat attacks.

A renegade zoologist called Jackson Oz is a featured character, with such lines as “Animal behavior is changing!”  Will the humans listen in time? – – Don’t bet on it!  The novel was generally well-received by most, despite some junk science in it. While thus far I’ve only been able to view previews and trailers, you can bet that I’ll be glued to the tube this upcoming week to cheer for the home team!

 

Things in the Refrigerator…

June 15, 2015

I,
image

I, for one, find the notion of articulate beings addressing me from within the confines of an egg crate disquieting.  As someone who has taken a college-level embryology course, it’s hard enough for me to eat an egg, and I certainly don’t want to converse with one, much less some kind of medieval tiny humanoid thing clad in armor emerging from the crate.  This is clearly abnormal and wrong on so many different levels…

Introduced in 2012, Sir Can-A-Lot is on a crusade to “rescue the world from routine meals.” This Is far preferable, I suppose, to joining ISIS, and the diminutive knight is polite if annoyingly enthusiastic about the SPAM product that he endorses as “glorious SPAM!”  And I thought that needed a life!

Now in my dark little mind, I would like to see this scene rewritten to resemble a memorable one in the Gremlins films where a housewife becomes a kitchen samurai when confronted by invading gremlins, using household appliances against the invaders to deadly effect .– Let’s have the lady of the house grab the little knight, throw him in the microwave, and see if he sparks! Consider also throwing him in the sink garbage disposal to see how protective that tiny suit of armor really is! With a kitchen array of food processors, blenders, and cutting knives the possibilities for home defense are both varied and entertaining.

My mind is a strange and frightening place to be, really…

Cows in a Class!

June 5, 2015

 

wpid-wp-1433515292411.jpeg

In a recent Dairy Pure milk commercial, an enthusiastic teacher is drilling her bovine charges on the “Five Point Promise” of the product.  Each “student” is dressed distinctly, with such accessories as eyeglasses and hair.

Apparently, chewing one’s cud is allowed in class…they’re cows, for crying out loud, what else could they do?!

When the teacher asks her students to enumerate what they know about the milk, one blond-haired cow responds, “It comes from udders,” and the rest of the cow-kids titter in repressed laughter.  Kids are the same everywhere…udders, heh, she said udders!

What I want to know is, how did this lucky teacher come to have only four students in class?  You can bet that they’re motivated, too…after all, what self-respecting young cow would want to be a milk dud, or an udder failure?  (Yes, we have no shame here…)

The Return of Colonel Sanders and the Hamburglar…

May 25, 2015

 

wpid-wp-1432517404527.jpeg

He’s been dead for 35 years and hasn’t been seen in commercials for 20 years, so KFC’ s Colonel Sanders has some catching up to do…and as Stephen King taught us in Pet Semetery, things that are brought back from the grave come back different.  So it is that this Colonel Sanders seems somewhat hipper, even if he is bemused by things like the International Space Station and cargo pants.  Played by comedian Darrell Hammond, this incarnation of Colonel Harland Sanders is likely to adapt and prevail.

Now McDonald’s new “Hamburglar” is a stranger piece of work, portrayed as a rather creepy looking adult who you probably wouldn’t want to see lurking around your neighborhood.  Everything old is new again as fast food purveyors try to redefine their icons and reconnect with a new generation…

wpid-wp-1432519140006.jpeg