Puppy Monkey Baby…

Posted February 21, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, anomalies, anthropomorphic, bizarre, fantasy, furry commercials, television

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Some things nature never intended, and even the mad Dr. Moreau created by H.G. Wells would have shied away from.  The PuppyMonkeyBaby created by Mountain Dew and first airing on Super Bowl 50 is one such thing…

…a CGI mishmash creation, the bizarre/disturbing/hilarious creature melds the head of a pug dog with the body and tail of a monkey and the lower extremities of a human infant.  In the commercial, it enters with the advertised product, dances into the presence of three guys watching television, licks the face of one of them, and dances off again, all the while repeating its own name.  This is to promote Mountain Dew’s Jumpstart, a mix of the drink, juice, and caffeine.

People tend to either love or hate PuppyMonkeyBaby, which may cross the line between cute and horrifying. Perhaps it could be worked into an episode of the X-Files or Mountain Monsters (they probably couldn’t catch it). In the current American presidential election year, the strange and the outrageous have become rather commonplace,however…

Lightning Man on “Mountain Monsters,” Part II

Posted February 16, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, cryptozoology, television, unexplained, unidentified

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As the second part of the Lightning Man episode commenced on Mountain Monsters (S4, Ep04), acting team leader Buck tried to talk with the grandson of the man who owned the barn that the artifact was buried in, but was rebuffed.  The team then talked with “Shannon,” a Bigfoot expert, who pronounced the stone object that they had unearthed in the barn to be a “Thunder Blade.”  The “Thunder Ax,” when assembled, was the only thing that could harm the Lightning Man.  Its possession was therefore both a blessing and a curse.

The mythology held that the “Thunder Ax” was given in the early 1900’s to the Sutter family by Native Americans.  A spellbound object, the ax kept the Lightning Man under control while buried, but the spell was broken when the ax head was dug up.  The Lightning Man and Thunder Brothers wanted possession of the ax as then they wouldn’t be controlled by it, and could run rampant.  If the Lightning Man touched the ax without retaining possession of it, however, it would again become spellbound and the Bigfoot controlled.  There were two other components to the ax besides the blade, namely the ax handle and the lashings which bound the head to the handle.  

Following clues in a poetic riddle, the team then went in search of these components.  A large oil drum was found in the woods which contained a pipe within which was the ax handle.  A crazed redneck called “Skunky Tom” then pegged a round at the team, causing them to beat a hasty retreat with the discovered pipe.  Again following clues, a pond was found with a dock beneath which was a box containing part of the ax handle lashings; apparently, not just any would do.  Inconveniently, the lashings had been separated into two groupings, with the second piece put in a cabin.  Following the poetic riddle (“You shall find if you seek/in the cabin by the creek“), the team located a cabin with a stove within which was a hollowed-out log containing a pipe within which was the second part of the lashing. Unfortunately the team had lit a fire within the stove, with said fire including the log in question as fuel.  Not to worry, however, Huckleberry urinated on the log to extinguish the fire. – – Hey, this isn’t Masterpiece Theater, folks!

Well, the AIMS team finally assembled the Thunder Ax, which was put into a security box devised by Willy which allowed the Lightning Man to touch the object while triggering a device to snatch it away into the safety of the original trap.  Taking up their posts, the team heard thunder after which lightning struck a tree, causing Jeff to be knocked down, loosing both a boot and control of his bladder in the process.  The security box or safe worked, however, and the Thunder Man presumably touched the ax, which was saved from him.  The rejoicing team members were going to again dismantle the ax and re-bury it, leaving their own riddles strewn with the component parts to provide location clues should any future generations need to reassemble the ax.  I’m sure that those riddles will someday become classics of English literature, and as with most myths, we never saw the actual object of them…

Bigfoot of Blair County: Lightning Man

Posted February 13, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained

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In a two-part saga, the AIMS team of the Mountain Monsters series went to Blair County, Pennsylvania in search of a Bigfoot variant called the Lightning Man.  This Bigfoot stands about 8′ tall, weighs about 500 lbs., has black fur, and travels in the company of seven other Bigfoot called, the Thunder Brothers, which would be a great name for a wrestling team or perhaps a band!

With team leader Trapper still on the mend, the remaining group members first met with “Robert,” a farmer who described hearing thunder sounds coming from the ground on an otherwise clear night.  Investigating with a flashlight he perceived something to pass by outside, although the flashlight ceased to function in the presence of whatever it was.  During their first night’s investigation, the team heard noise, saw movement, and came upon a number of tracks that indicated to them the presence of multiple creatures.  

The following day as Willy and Wild Bill constructed a steel octagon trap, the remainder of the team followed a creek where the footprints had been found, and thought that they had flushed a Bigfoot from a tree, coming upon a hollow tree which produced thunder-like sounds when beaten on with rocks.  They named this a thunder tree, and thought this or something similar was used by the Thunder Brothers to produce their characteristic sounds.  A second eyewitness, an electrician called “John” described hearing noises by an old barn, and produced a picture of a Native American lightning symbol found within that barn.  When the electrician had rigged the barn with motion sensor lights, the lights failed to operate when the suspected Bigfoot passed by, but worked in the presence of other moving wildlife.

During an unprecedented second night’s hunt, the team explored the electrician’s barn, and found a buried wooden eagle figure. The lights then went out, and there was felt to be movement in the barn. The team heard thundering sounds, and thinking that the Thunder Brothers were at it again, exited the barn to charge after them. Acting team leader Buck, however, thought this a diversionary tactic, and by himself doubled back to the barn where he unearthed what appeared to be a primitive stone ax head. An arm supposedly then reached through the barn boards trying to get at Buck, who beat a hasty retreat and was rejoined by the rest of the team. They resolved to share their exploits with Trapper, and research the significance of the discovered stone object. The upcoming episode of Mountain Monsters will presumably wrap things up, probably with more unanswered questions…

“Zootopia” is coming!

Posted February 10, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, furry, movies

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Imagine a world in which “humans never happened,” and you have the central premise of Disney’s upcoming 3D computer animated feature, Zootopia.  Now the mammals which dominate are anthropomorphic, which to the uninitiated means they are human-like intelligent bipedal creatures who use language, wear clothing, and employ technology in a civilized society.  This is a familiar realm to a card-carrying furry like myself; my world, and welcome to it!

Now two of the central characters include Judy Hopps, a rookie police officer rabbit and a red fox called Nick Wilde (played by Jason Bateman), described as being a small-time con artist (while I prefer to consider him as sly). Together the two form an unlikely alliance to solve the case of a missing otter.

The result is a buddy comedy/adventure with a large cast of animal characters that include a gazelle pop star and a noble lion mayor. Opening in early March, you’ve never seen anything like Zootopia be-fur…

Bigfoot of Central Kentucky: Squalling Savage

Posted February 3, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anomalies, anthropomorphic, cryptozoology, television, unexplained, unidentified

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At the end of the previous episode of Mountain Monsters, the youngest member of the AIMS team, Buck, had relayed during the credits that something was wrong with team leader Trapper, who had been taken to the hospital for an unspecified but serious ailment.  At the beginning of this episode, the five remaining team members visited Trapper at home, where it was disclosed that he had suffered a blood clot in his leg, and underwent emergency surgery.  We actually got to see Trapper for the first time without his hat, revealing his balding head.  Trapper also revealed that at their previous Kentucky encampment in pursuit of the Midnight Whistler (not to be confused with the Midnight Rambler, a great Rolling Stones song) , he had taken a sample of reddish hair and procured a large footprint impression too large to have belonged to that smaller Bigfoot type.  

The Bigfoot variant who was the subject of S4/Ep02 was called the Squalling Savage (- -poetry, eh?), and was felt to stand about 8-1/2 feet tall, weigh 600 – 800 lbs., and be capable of climbing trees.  His type was first sighted in the 1600’s by Native Americans.  The Midnight Whistler and Squalling Savage Bigfoot subtypes were essentially felt to occupy the same environment of central Kentucky, competing for dominance there.  While in pursuit of the Midnight Whistler in an earlier episode, team members had heard the growling of the Savage, which was atypical for the Whistler.  

Prior to their first night’s hunt, the five team members met with Steve, a trail guide contracted by Trapper to guide the men close to the site of their previous encounter.  While the guide was reluctant to go fully to the exact location, by his directions the team was able to proceed, and found that first night a previously-seen nest of the Midnight Whister in addition to hearing the growls of the newly sought Squalling Savage.  The next day, team members Willy and “Wild Bill” built an elevated tree trap into which they planned to lure the Savage by mimicking the sounds of his rival, the Whistler.  A second meeting with their somewhat reluctant trail guide Steve brought his admission that he and a friend had a previous encounter with the Savage while hunting, and a cell phone video was produced revealing an intrusion by some kind of large growling thing, with a whistle having been used to lure it that proved unexpectedly effective.

On their final night’s hunt, Buck in an off-road vehicle was to initially flush the Squalling Savage out, passing him then into a relay where other members further along the route would further lure the Bigfoot with whistles, finding sanctuary in “spider hole” covered excavations while the Bigfoot passed safely by them. – – Well, the best laid plans of mice and men, as Bobby Burns would say, can come to naught.  A tree was thrown at Buck’s vehicle, a second tree later blocked his path, and Huckleberry’s spider hole cover was rudely torn off by the crafty cryptid, causing said monster hunter to beat a hasty retreat.  Willy abandoned his post at the trap to support his companion, and it was pretty much of a route by then.  As usual, no Bigfoot was trapped…but Huckleberry did relate that the Bigfoot he briefly sighted was of yet a third type from either the Whistler or Savage varieties.  

That’s right, three apparent Bigfoot species for the price of one, all in central Kentucky!  The five AIMS members who had worked this outing conceded that they had been a little rusty without their leader, but resolved to get back on the case, and hunt another one…hunting and actually catching one being entirely different things!

Bigfoot of Harrison County: Stonish Giant

Posted January 27, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, cryptozoology, television, unexplained

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The fourth season of Mountain Monsters opened with the team in pursuit of the Stonish Giant in Harrison County, Ohio.  Another Bigfoot clone, the Giant stands at a height of nine to ten feet, and weighs in at around 1,000 lbs. First seen by Native Americans in the 1500’s, the Iroquois found the coat of the giant impervious to their arrows; it seems he rolls around in the clay and such, this layering adding resistance to primitive weapons.

Following their familiar formula, the team interviewed an eyewitness, John, who had an encounter while hunting deer.  The ground shook under the weight of the creature, and he heard a cry emitted that combined a roar and a snarl.  The hunter later saw tracks following the encounter, unusual in that one of the legs appeared to be dragging to a degree.  In their first night’s investigation, the team saw broken off trees, found a 22″ footprint, and thought that they caught a glimpse of the creature.  They also found a “tree structure,” and an area where the Bigfoot was thought to have bedded down.  

The next day, trap maker Willy and “Wild Bill” constructed a super-sized snare trap which would later be baited with road-killed deer.  A taxidermist, Russ, was interviewed who related an encounter of a friend who was approached by the Bigfoot from behind and supposedly hit him with a shot.  Going to that site, the team found blood in the vicinity on vegetation, and assumed that the Bigfoot had indeed been wounded, which explained the apparent dragging evidenced by one foot on tracks earlier seen.  

In the final night’s hunt, the team split into two components with the intent of driving the wounded Stonish Giant towards their trap.  Blood was found in several locations, as was the slug apparently dislodged from the creature’s wound; growls were also heard.  While in pursuit, the team heard gunshots ahead of them; another group was apparently poaching their Bigfoot!  Blurred images were presented of at least four men dragging something off in a tarp, and hastily leaving in a truck.  Arriving at that area, the AIMS team found yet more blood, and deduced that the other armed group in advance of them had nailed the Stonish Giant but good, and made off with the body.  They were not amused…

…and who could blame them?  Don’t ‘ya just hate it when someone absconds with a rare and disputed cryptic animal that you’ve been chasing?!

Mulder Returns!

Posted January 25, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: aliens, anomalies, cryptozoology, sci fi, television, unexplained

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I was a big X-Files fan in the 1990’s, and somewhere I still have an action figurine of David Duchovny as Fox Mulder, one of my few heroes…and so almost nothing could be better for me than when I learned that half a dozen new episodes of the show were being made, complete with many members of the original cast!  The previews looked promising and true to the spirit of the original show.  I was more than ready for this; it was the Holy Grail of paranormal television.

So primed and ready, I tuned to FOX at the listed time expecting to see Fox,  and got…a football post-game show!  It was a cruel thing to see jocks celebrating themselves when you’ve gone so many years without a Mulder fix.  No doubt this was some kind of government conspiracy.  Fortunately the DVR and “On Demand” gods were there, and I was able to watch the whole glorious episode later.

The first episode was heavy on exposition and the series mythology, beginning with Mulder’s cerebral, analytical monotone voice and flashing back to the seminal Roswell UFO incident, with the crash gloriously depicted.  Since the series last ended, Mulder has been living a low profile life while his partner, Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) has been aiding in the surgical creation of ears for earless children.  The duo is reunited by a wealthy arch conservative talk show conspiracy adherent (Tad O’Malley), and Mulder appears to have mastered the scruffy cool look to perfection.  From there, things get twisted and complicated, with alien technologies, genetic manipulations, and unspeakable dark conspiracies thrown into the mix.

Some episodes after the second will focus less on the confusing and mysterious X-Files mythology, with some stand-alone episodes presented that will follow the popular “Monster of the Week” format during which the series was at its most enjoyable.  We will apparently, however, be getting visits from such iconic series figures as the Cigarette Smoking Man and The Lone Gunmen, who had a brief unsuccessful spin-off show of their own once upon a time.

All in all, the limited revival series is worthy, and makes us want to put on suits, grab large flashlights, and follow conspiracies and monsters wherever they may lead, for The Truth is Out There…

America’s Best Eyeglasses Owl…

Posted January 24, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, avian, feathered friends, furry commercials, television

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Owls have always had a popular following, representing as they do wisdom, knowledge, and learning.  Their popularity may have been further bolstered by their use in the Harry Potter books and movies.  

Recently an articulate and fine specimen has emerged as a spokesman for the America’s Best Eyeglasses line, suitably bespectacled and able to model different frames simply by an uncanny rotation of his head. The owl himself is both wise and extraordinarily expressive, with a lot of eye and other facial movement. He is further able to cast the hapless human into mimicking the usual owl role, reducing them to single-word utterances of “who?” as he elaborates on virtues of the eyewear company.

If Harry Potter had an owl of this caliber at his side, it might have been easier for him to take on Voldemort…

Wrath of the Turkey…

Posted January 12, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, feathered friends, furry, furry commercials, television

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 In another Farmers Insurance commercial, we are shown the revenge of the “proud bird with the golden tail,” the long-suffering and oft disrespected turkey.  A “Meaty’s Butcher Shop” truck manned by a single hapless guy is making its way down the road when a turkey appears in its path, causing the driver to veer off the road and into a tree. The middle-aged gent then regards his passenger seat, where he be holds…a turkey!  The driver screams at the turkey, who gobbles loudly at him…

…payback, they say, is hell.  We then cut to an exterior shot of the disabled truck, with a mob of turkeys descending on it.  There is strength in numbers, and the delivery truck rocks from side to side as the turkeys administer their own brand of justice to one of their oppressors.  It’s reminiscent of a scene in the first Jurassic Park  movie where a throng of diminutive dinosaurs overwhelm and dispense with an especially obnoxious character in his vehicle.

We then cut to a scene with the unflappable J.K. Simmons escorting a client through their extensive Hall of Claims, where we gaze with them upon a much-mangled apron, last worn by the ill-fated delivery driver.  Farmers Insurance has seen just about everything, we are reminded, so they can insure against anything, including “Turkey Jerks…” 

Farmers Insurance: Stag Pool Party!

Posted January 3, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, television

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Everyone knows that there are times when guys just need to be around the company of other guys so that they don’t have to worry about pleasing the does all of the time.  Then instead of talking about “relationships” and “feelings,” we can just hang out, overeat, watch “guy” movies, and I dunno, maybe play some table tennis…

…and so it is that a recent Farmers Insurance commercial takes us to a genuine stag pool party, namely one attended by stags.  They’re having a wild time of it, too, with loud music and commotion heard while the pool lights are off.  When the floodlights come on, however, all of the stags are frozen in place, the old “deer in the headlights” thing. The lights off/lights on sequence repeats several times, but each time the lights come on, there are subtle changes in the scenario, primary among which is that there are more and more stags actually in the pool!

The Farmers Insurance spokesman (J.K. Simmons) explains in their Hall of Claims that since they’ve seen about everything, they can insure just about anything…including, apparently, an out-of-bounds party for some not-so-timid woodlands creatures.  Party on, boys!