Archive for the ‘scalies’ category

Godzilla vs. Kong!

June 12, 2018


Deep inside me, there abides a ten-year-old fox-boy who never grew up.  For that reason, I can still get excited about a Godzilla vs. King Kong remake, even though it will have been 58 years since a movie bore that title.  Hopefully the special effects will have improved significantly in that time interval.  Just don’t get your popcorn out yet or try to buy movie passes; Godzilla vs. Kong isn’t slated to arrive until May of 2020…

For what is sure to be an epic addition to the MonsterVerse, the film director promises a dark film in which there will be a clear winner!  That’s right, no ambiguous ending for once.  Kong, last seen in Skull Island set in the 1970’s, will have weathered the intervening decades by becoming older, battle-scarred, and bigger. His size will accordingly be more of a match for the redoubtable Godzilla, my personal fave.  I’m sure that there will be an abundance of fires, explosions, and destruction of real estate…look, they’re lowering property values!  Perhaps the battling behemoths can level Trump Tower…

 

Rampage:  Megafauna Rampant…

April 11, 2018

I’m glad that my cousin, Ralph, finally made it to the big screen!  He always had dreams of going to Hollywood, and deserved it after all those years of parking cars, pumping gas, and hanging out at furry and video game conventions.  It was annoying to him that people would pull at his costume only to discover that it wasn’t one. – – Ahh, his mother would have been so proud of him!  On the other hand, I wasn’t granted Ralph’s athleticism, being only a bookish writer…fortune, thou art a cruel mistress!

I suppose it was inevitable that they’d make a movie loosely based on the vintage video game, Rampage, and starring Dwayne Johnson.  After all, Doom turned out so well!  In the long-ago, I can remember playing the video game, and never doing terribly well…such is the the story of my life!  Anyways, in his latest action film outing, the Rock plays primatologist Davis Okoye who is attempting to intervene on behalf of his albino silverback gorilla, George, the object of a rogue genetic experiment gone awry. – –Tell me about it!  George, Ralph, and other mutant animals grown to enormous size are, well, rampaging through North America, and causing big trouble and general mayhem.  It’s up to Dwayne Johnson and others to find an antidote…

This sci fi/fantasy offering sounds like good brainless fun, and is opening April 13th at a theater near you!  A CGI-heavy movie, it also features Jeffrey Dean Morgan of The Walking Dead, minus his Negan bat, Lucille.  I expect that Ralphie will give a memorable performance, and even if he doesn’t, I’m still proud of the big lug… 😉

Dragons vs. The Frozen Dead!

August 24, 2017

 

Noteworthy:  It was Dragons vs. Zombies  on a recent episode of the HBO series Game of Thrones.  Just when things were looking hopeless for virtuous character Jon Snow and his small band of seasoned fighters under siege by thousands of White Walkers (kind of like frozen dead), it was three great dragons to the rescue, spewing flames and causing the walking dead to combust merrily, a rout and a slaughter.  This is the kind of spectacle that makes for great television, about as good as it gets…

…but wait!  Things take a twist when the demonic leader of the White Walkers is able to peg a lance into one dragon, slaying it and later resurrecting it as a kind of zombie ice dragon ready to do his bidding.  The series finale of Game of Thrones should be truly epic…

Geico’s “Alligator Arms”

March 30, 2016

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I love Chinese food, and so apparently do some alligators.  Following lunch at a Chinese place with some human companions, it’s check time.  “Whoa whoa whoa, I got this!,” declares the ‘gator as he makes a token effort to reach the check.  Limited by his short arms, the reptile never gets there; “I can’t reach it,” he submits.  “When you have short arms, you avoid picking up the check,” declares the announcer.  “It’s what you do.”  If you want to save up to 15% on car insurance, you switch to Geico…it’s what you do.

Conveniently, a male companion, Dennis, gathers up the check, and is thanked by the reptile.  Not one to waste food, the ‘gator then gobbles down the remainder of the meal in one practiced gulp.  “Oh, that is good crispy duck!,” he announces with gluttonous satisfaction.  Waste not, want not, I suppose…

Snickers “Godzilla” Commercial…

July 16, 2014

 

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Godzilla, as we learn in a Snickers commercial, is an alright dude!  We are shown footage of the big guy in just slightly larger than human form, hanging at the beach, riding four wheelers, playing ping-pong, and making the scene at a party.- – What a party animal!

Godzilla’s actually pretty cool!,” comments one male party-goer to his friend.  “Except when he’s hungry,” corrects the buddy.  Then the footage cuts to Godzilla in full rampage, hundreds of feet tall and blasting cars airborne with his breath.  Fortunately, someone in the crowd knows the remedy for this situation, and lobs Godzilla a Snickers bar. – – He eats the morsel, gets a blissful expression on his massive face, and then suddenly…Party Godzilla is back, water skiing and blending happily into human society again!  

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, we are told. Studies have shown that hunger and anger can be linked. Maybe then the answer to unrest in the Middle East and elsewhere is simply to bombard the combatants with Snickers bars…heck, diplomacy doesn’t seem to be doing much, so make chocolate, not war!

Lizard Demon of Wood County…

May 29, 2014

 

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The lizard demon in question is a reptile-human hybrid featured in S1/Ep06 of Mountain Monsters who is bipedal, water-based, has gills, three toes, and a triple eyelid.  Yet another cryptid indigenous to West Virginia, he has also been seen in Kentucky, with sightings reported going back to the early 1900’s.  Standing about seven feet tall and weighing in at 300 to 400 pounds, the lizard demon travels up the Ohio River using it to move closer to farm ponds, eats cows and similar livestock, and has even been reported to chase cars!  Similar “lizard men” have been profiled on other paranormal shows.

The AIMS crew first interviewed an eyewitness called “JayBob” who reported seeing something about 7′ tall of dark green coloration that moved quickly.  He produced a trail camera photo that showed a side image of something that appeared scaly.  In their first night’s investigation, the West Virginian investigators saw a track made by something large and heavy.  Part of the team while investigating a cave saw movement above the cave which caused rock to become dislodged and fall.

A large snap door trap was then built by the next day, and baited with chicken.  A second eyewitness, a farmer named Mark, reported seeing a large scaly humanoid, later finding a triangular print.  A third eyewitness, an auctioneer called Bob, reported seeing an upright green creature with a lizard-type head.  He also saw a dead cow in the river with a chunk taken out of it, and movement was discerned although the creature disappeared in seconds.

On the second night and time of the final hunt, the team tried to flush the creature towards their trap by both land and water, finding a track almost a foot long on the land and the rib cage of some consumed animal in the water.  They supposedly spotted red eyes ahead in the water, shortly after seeing thermal images by a farmer’s barn.  A nest of sorts was found in the upper loft of that barn, and thermal imagery taken from the barn then showed something going into the creek.  Pursuing that amid the usual confusion and bad camera angles, noise was heard in the vicinity of the trap, which caused the team to pursue there and fire numerous rounds at something they felt they had heard in the water; so much for capturing it alive.  Predictably, nothing was hit…

…neither had their trap been sprung.  Trying to put a positive spin on things, the investigators claimed that they had scared the Lizard Demon off; macho posturing rules!  One can imagine the creature shaking in his green scaled boots over his narrow escape…

 

Fire Dragon of Pocahontas County…

May 3, 2014

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West Virginia seems to have more than its fair share of monsters, all of which are elusive. Following their by now familiar formula, in S2/Ep05 the “hardcore hunters and trappers” crew of Mountain Monsters” went in pursuit of a reptilian creature said to be 10 to 12 feet long and weighing in at about 1,000 lbs. The reptilian is drawn by heat, and can frequent the water as well as dry land, using waterways to get around.

Reports of the fire dragon go back to the 1920’s, when it was spotted by train conductors and even said to have attacked old steam engines. The Mountain Monsters crew first interviewed an eyewitness, “Bub,” who while fishing caught a glimpse of something with a big mouth and red eyes which stood up on its hind legs. During the first night’s investigation, the crew saw fecal droppings, thought they heard the creature, and saw fresh water marks left by something. Hearing shots, the crew encountered an area resident, “Chester,” who claimed that the creature knocked the chimney off his cabin in pursuit of heat; claw marks were seen.

The team then constructed a drop-door water trap in which they would later use a floating fire pit as a lure for the creature. Two fisherman were then interviewed whose boat was rammed on the Cranberry River; punctures and battering damage to the boat’s hull was examined. A hunter, “Grizz,” presented a video he took that showed a brief image of something matching the dragon’s description seen in the distance of the footage.

On their final night’s hunt, the team split and tried to drive the creature off land and into water towards their trap. They found a trail from an area where it had apparently bedded down as well as a hibernation hole into which a member of the crew fell.  A thermal image was seen on a brush pile, and while closing on it the team ran across two individuals on a four wheeler fleeing from their camp which something had destroyed. Concluding that the dragon had reached water, the team went downstream by land and water in the direction of their trap, arriving to find it torn apart and ablaze. They concluded that the fire dragon had been so energized by the fire near and upon the trap that he was able take out the side of it and escape. The fire dragon was pronounced to be “one bad-ass monster.

In next week’s episode, the Mountain Monsters crew will go in pursuit of “Sheepsquatch.”  I think we can all imagine how that’s going to go…