Archive for the ‘things humans do’ category

Awkward Family Pet Photos…

August 3, 2010

– – I, for one, am grateful to these felines for covering up what might have otherwise been an unsightly display of less than buff human epidermis.  You may surmise that these cats are not overly pleased with having assumed this duty, and I feel their pain.  I would not be overly happy in their situation,  either…

We will not get into a discussion of why some humans choose to have their pictures taken in the buff with their pets, leaving such considerations to philosophers and psychologists.  You may wish, however, to see more of the same at Awkwardfamilypetphotos.com, as well as images of monkeys in dresses and families with snakes wrapped around their necks…

Animal Aphrodisiacs

July 6, 2010

– – Believe it or not, rhino horns sell for big bucks on the black market as an aphrodisiac, with a single horn selling for as much as $40,000!  Why, you might then ask, does the rhino enjoy such a great sexual reputation?–Well, the rhino’s mating time is not less than 45 minutes, quite higher than that of any other other animal (although foxes are no slackers in that department, ahem)! Rhino horns are then considered a kind of natural Viagra, and foolish humans believe that they can achieve the same kind of sexual power with the help of rhino horns.

Traditional Chinese medicine also uses rhino horns as a cure for fever and stomach ailments.  This is all in spite of the fact that the horns are simply compacted masses of agglutinated hair that rhinos use as defense against other animals…

Ferret Legging…

June 16, 2010

– – We have learned from comedian Steve Martin about a sport called cat juggling, but did you know of another obscure but real sport called ferret legging?

Not for those who do not tolerate claws and sharp teeth near their, err, private parts, ferret legging involves having male-only contestants put live ferrets inside their trousers.  The winner is the one who is the last to release the animals.- – I swear that I am not making this up!  By the way, the world record for the event is an astonishing  five hours and thirty minutes!

It is speculated that the sport may have originated during a time when only the relatively wealthy in England were allowed to keep animals used for hunting, forcing poachers to hide their illicit ferrets in their trousers.  In the sport, competitors can’t be drunk or drugged, nor can the ferrets be sedated, muzzled,  or lacking a full set of teeth.   Trousers are tied at the ankles and belts are securely  fastened at the waist to prevent the ferrets from escaping; contestants do not wear protective devices or even underwear!  Two ferrets are then placed inside, and the competitor then stands in front of the judges for as long as they can…competitors can attempt to dislodge the ferrets from the groin area from outside of their trousers, although this can be difficult…and  yes, competitors are bitten and bloodied…one champion took to wearing white trousers so as to better manifest the blood!  Most males reading of this for the first time are by now probably either incredulous or squirming uncomfortably!

The sport has been practiced for centuries, but enjoyed a brief resurgence in the 1970’s.  Although described as a “dying sport” (we need not explain why), a national ferret legging event has been held in Richmond, Virginia every year since 2003…and participants can honestly respond in the affirmative when asked if they have a ferret in their pants!

(shudders)- – A sport I’ll never compete in, thank you!

Roadkill Resuscitation Unsuccessful!

April 1, 2010

– – Happy April Fool’s Day, but I swear that I am not making this up, and hope that you are not eating:  State police have charged a central Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen giving mouth-to-mouth “resuscitation” to a long-dead opossum along a highway…

The incident occurred in Oliver Township about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.  The 55-year-old man was seen by one person kneeling before the deceased animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.   It’s not that this publication doesn’t appreciate the effort to save viable animals, but this was an ex-possum…

Possibly he was then planning to fit the opossum with sunglasses in hopes  of pursuing some “Weekend at Bernie’s” action…

Bee-Venom Therapy?

March 20, 2010

– – I, for one, don’t like being stung by insects, and have gotten more than enough of that while mowing the lawn.   There are those who think, however, that being stung by bees is good for what ails you, including conditions such as arthritis, tendonitis, multiple sclerosis,  fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, and even depression. – -Hey, let’s go out and get stung!- -That ought to give us a lift!

Now believers in apitherapy don’t wait for random insect attacks, but rather tend to use groups of up to 100 honey bees raised for the purpose.  Self-treatment seems to be common, while more formal treatments are offered in the orient for the equivalent of about $18.

Does it work?- – Persuasive personal testimonials are out there, but so are sightings of aliens and Bigfoot.   Supportive research studies are few and far between.  Studies in Greece and South Korea have shown anti-arthritic effects in mice, which of course we like to see lively and flexible.  Most results are not conclusive, and while the benefits of such therapy are uncertain, the dangers are clear with about 2% of the population susceptible to allergic reactions from the stings of bees and wasps.   Those considering a full bee barrage should also consider the fact that your body tolerated the first 99 stings doesn’t guarantee it can handle the 100th…

The Lizardman…

February 10, 2010

– – In the realm of body art and bodily modification, there are those who kind of press the envelope, and move in the direction of more radical transformations. One such person is Lizardman Erik Sprague…

Lizardman is quite intelligent, and at one time was a Ph.D. candidate in philosophy. He currently boasts approximately 700 hours of tattoo work dating back to 1994, leaving him with a disconcerting green, reptilian-skinned appearance. Additional bodily modifications include a split, bifurcated tongue and teeth filed to a point. For all of that, Erik, currently age 37, considers his startling transformation only about 80 percent complete.

A self-proclaimed “professional freak,” Sprague is a permanent performer whose repertoire includes sword swallowing, fire-eating, and other dangerous stunts.  He generates additional income through appearances at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museums and other events. The Lizardman has also recently penned Once More Through the Modified Looking Glass, and is a sane, rational, and thoughtful individual…

Beat It!

December 30, 2009

– – You know those drum circles that are supposed to be great guy-bonding rituals?- -Well, an unnamed female really got into some guys wailing away on skins at the United Campus Ministry near the University of New Hampshire, getting into showing off her moves, and maybe, I dunno, doing the funky chicken or whatever.- – Well, the babe came down with anthrax soon thereafter…

Experts are saying that while dancing, the young lady must have inhaled thousands of anthrax spores from the African drums being used, with such spores becoming aerosolized when the guys started beating on the animal skin heads of their drums!- -Sounds far-fetched, but stranger things have happened…

– – Heh, make our furry hides into drums, will they?!- -We’ll show them to beat it! 😉

Lizards In The Underpants…

December 10, 2009

– – I, for one, do not pack skinks in my underwear.  I’ll even resist the temptation to mine that remark for other comic possibilities, ’cause this is a semi-classy place…

A German tourist, however, was caught by airport security attempting to leave New Zealand with a total of 20 skinks and 24 geckos of various species hidden in a small box concealed amidst his underwear.- – One gecko was even rolled into a sock!  The Geico Gecko would be appalled…

Now the geckos had an estimated black market value of $35, 850; the value of the skinks was unknown.  The tourist admitted to taking the reptiles from the wild, and trading and transporting them without a permit…

Skinks have no pronounced neck, and sport relatively small legs, with several genera having no legs at all!  They usually have long, tapering tails that can be shed and regenerated.- -That’s a neat trick if you can pull it off…ROTFL!    😉

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * *

(BTW, Happy International Animal Rights Day!–Bite the Power!!!)

Gollum-Like Creature Found…

December 3, 2009

– – Here at  Foxsylvania, we spend much of our time looking for disgusting and unidentifiable creatures washed up on the shore which might be aliens, monsters, cryptids, or perhaps my old supervisor. It was then regarded as quite a find when this loathsome-looking thing was found by teenagers last September feebly crawling out of a cave in a town while they were playing in  Cerro Azul north of Panama City.

–Well, they did what kids anywhere would do, namely beat it to death with sticks and then threw its lifeless body into a pool of water!   This neatly does away with the need for health insurance or a retirement plan for unidentified life forms.

Regarded by some as a cousin to the Montauk Monster, the creature was later pretty conclusively identified as a hairless sloth, whose last impressions of humans were probably not favorable…and what will those kids say when Santa asks them if they’ve been good?


Animal Sacrifice…

November 26, 2009

– – Note: This is a potentially upsetting topic not for young viewers. Animal sacrifice is sadly not just an Old Testament thing…it continues to exist in the 21st century.

–Where?–In places like Nepal, where over 200,000 buffalo, goats, chickens, and pigeons were to be sacrificed earlier this week in a ritual to honor Gadhimai, a Hindu goddess of power.  The festival is held every five years, and while criticized by animal rights groups, the festival is defended as a centuries-old tradition.  Animal rights groups carry little power in Nepal…

Animal sacrifice, in contrast,  has a long history in Nepal and parts of neighboring India…