Archive for the ‘humor’ category

The Charmin Bears…

July 12, 2013

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— I, for one, have always found the Charmin Bear family rather dysfunctional and somewhat disturbing. Now, we all know that bears defecate in the woods, but I just don’t think that it’s normal or healthy for there to be so much preoccupation over the matter of toilet paper. I mean, the episode where Leonard, the father bear, is basically alone stroking the toilet paper by himself while almost in a trance-like state as he mutters “so soft!” strikes me as being rather creepy, or reflecting an unhealthy and unnatural obsession. Then there are control issues reflected, as when one or another of the bears (usually the males) are told (by Momma Bear Molly) how much toilet paper to use, and that they can be using less. — I mean, this is ‘merica, right, and I can be using as much dang toilet paper as I want to!  The tag line is even “less is more;” what are these bears, Republicans?!  Also we have the episode where one boy bear has little bits of TP all over his bear behind, and is called to task for it by Momma Bear, Molly…this seems to violate his body space, dignity, and personal privacy rights! There are also unresolved issues that beg to be addressed in this psychodrama, such as the apparent use of toilet paper (“bathroom tissue,” excuse me) without toilets or even bathrooms…and what of the minimally-rendered forest in which these bears reside?  Where is this unreal estate located, the Twilight Zone?

All in all, we haven’t seen this much obsession over toilet paper since the days of store owner Mr. Whipple, who chastised customers for squeezing the Charmin while secretly engaging in the same behavior himself, a paragon of hypocrisy.  The Mr. Whipple character was retired, by the way, when the actor portraying him died, death being the ultimate form of retirement…

Bad Little Children’s Books…

April 27, 2013

cyclops– – From the 1940’s through the 1960’s, bright and cheerful books featuring caucasian children, middle-class families, and wholesome animals were sold by Little Golden Books and related publishers with titles such as, The Pokey Little Puppy or Baby’s Toys.  They were often the first reading material that kids of that time experienced, or the first books that they owned.  Prices were unbelievable by today’s standards; perhaps 25 cents gradually creeping higher.

Well, artist Bob Staake has created a series of books inspired by such classic kiddie reading material, but with a darker satirical twist that makes these books distinctly not for the young and innocent; these are titles such as, Mommy Needs To Go To Detox, or If You Give A Cyclops A Kitten.  The cover art is dead-on.- –Why didn’t they have books like this when I was a kid?!

Also recommended:  Bedtime Stories for Children You Hate by Antoinette Bergin, with stories such as, Your Upstairs Neighbor Kills People…pleasant screams, kiddies, ahahahaha!

Wheat Thins Yeti…

February 7, 2013

Yeti – – Thanks to the Super Bowl commercial for Wheat Thins, we now know what the Big Foot secret agenda is; they want to steal into our kitchens under cover of darkness, and abscond with our snack crackers!  The only defense against this tactic is to sit in the blackness ourselves with night vision goggles, and be prepared to grapple with them!  It’s the manly and right thing to do…

“Who’s gonna take your Wheat Thins?,” asks the wife of the snack cracker vigilante as he hunkers down to guard his treasure.  “I dunno,” responds the guy, “an intruder, the dog, Big Foot, Ted from next door,” he answers as the lights are put out on his request.  Momentarily the lights are restored, and we behold the lone defender with his arms locked around a Yeti, who is flailing about!  In the ensuing turmoil, dastardly Ted from next door darts in, and makes off with the Spicy Buffalo Wheat Thins!  Ted is an opportunistic predator…

The commercial is appealingly cheesy as the “Yeti” is obviously someone in a costume rather than a computer-generated masterpiece, an example of where less can be more…

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2012


– – Verily, there is much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving…like I’m grateful that spiders don’t fly, and that flies do…otherwise, they’d be called “walks!”  So stuff a dead bird with stale bread, and eat it…or not!

Happier Than An Antelope…

November 9, 2012

– – You’ve probably seen at least some of Geico’s “Happier Than” series in which we are shown people basking in the glee of improbable situations, such as Gallagher smashing watermelons at a farmers’ market and Christopher Columbus with a speedboat.  Two comfortably scruffy folksingers called Ronnie and Jimmy then appear to draw the parallel that people saving money on Geico insurance sure are happy, happier than say, a witch at a broom factory…

My fave in the series involves two anthropomorphic antelope standing in the savannah equipped with night vision goggles that easily enable the duo to see a lion lurking in the tall grass.  “Look who’s back…again!,” quips one antelope to the other.  “We can see you, Carl,” an antelope addresses the lion.  “Yeah, we can totally see you!,” confirms his companion.– So much for the stealth advantage!  “Have you thought about going vegan, Carl?,” they ask the apex predator, and laugh.  This could totally disrupt the food chain…and if the lion sleeps tonight, it will be with an empty belly!

 

Old Spice “Swagger” Sea Captain and Squid…

September 16, 2011

 – – He’s self-described as not being a “well decorated sea captain who battles monsters on a large nautical vessel,”  but thanks to Old Spice’s Swagger, he smells like one!  The character we see depicted kind of plays out like Jules Verne’s Captain Nemo as seen on a bad acid trip…he walks into a room with a patently fake killer squid attached to his left shoulder at which the captain throws half-hearted punches throughout the commercial while endless gold treasure pours from his pants, quickly filling the room!

Apparently, Old Spice is trying a variety of spokesman, and this bizarre sea captain is part of a new ad campaign to “smell better than yourself.”  Smelling better than yourself may be fairly easy if you routinely smell like squid, and the squid in this one is wonderful, looking like a low budget creature feature creation from 1950’s or 60’s Chiller Theater type offerings.  I like the little guy, who features moving eyes, teeth, and flailing tentacles…the punches thrown at him don’t seem to faze the persistent squid much, and I keep waiting and hoping for him to remove a chunk from the captain.  Failing in this, perhaps we could arrange a steel cage death match for him with SpongeBob…

The Keyboard Cat!

June 19, 2011

 – – Cats on keyboards are nothing new with the original video coming from the early 1980’s, but this incarnation of Keyboard Cat, also known as Pistachio Cat, is awfully cute!  Wearing an oversized lime green T-shirt and playing a bouncy little number on the keyboard while promoting pistachio consumption, this cat is likely to win your heart.- -So what if the cat appears mad at times and is being controlled by human hands hidden under the baggy shirt?- -It’s no wonder that as it was sung in The Aristocats, “everybody wants to be a cat!”


By the way, the current Keyboard Cat’s name is Bento, and he is the creation of Charlie Schmidt…