Archive for the ‘anthropomorphic’ category

Tums TV Spot, “Chicken…”

January 12, 2014

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– – It’s grotesque, absurd, and surreal, and like something out of a vegetarian’s worst nightmare…the plucked, decapitated, and man-sized chicken in a commercial for Tums Ultra Strength antacids.  Standing upright at an upscale outdoor barbecue presumably where it was consumed, this most foul fowl and the man who is now tormented by it become aware of one another’s presence at the same time.  The chicken carcass utters what I suppose martial arts challenges would sound like if vocalized by a chicken, and begins to swing its sizable plucked wings at the hapless human, landing at least one good slap.  Although caught off-guard, the man responds by dodging and directing a punch at the giant plucked bird…thankfully, we are spared the full  fury of the combat.

…the announcer then interjects, “When that chicken you had at the barbecue starts fighting with heartburn,  fight back with Tums!”  Antacids apparently succeed where fisticuffs do not, for in the final scene, the man and the great carcass are playing nicely with one another at a friendly game of volleyball.  Sports is often seen as an outlet for male aggression and a substitute for war, after all…and I do so like to see conflict resolved amicably, especially when it involves the barbecued dead…

Wendigo, Dogman, and Wolfman…

January 6, 2014

– – Things went to the dogs or at least the canids on a recent episode of Monsters and Mysteries in America. For those partial to werewolves, the first segment presented the Beast of Bray Road, a wolf-like creature seen more than 100 times in Wisconsin since the 1940’s. Incidents involving the beast seemed to peak in the 1980’s, when a Lori Endrizzi encountered an upright creature consuming road kill along a road that she was traveling home; it appeared to be developing interest in the woman as a second course before she managed to get her stalled car started and escape. A later encounter was also profiled that occurred in 2006 when a Steve Krueger was picking up deer carcasses when something rocked his truck and helped itself to both a deer carcass and an ATV ramp in the bed of his pickup! He gunned his truck and also escaped, although the missing ramp later couldn’t be located.

A second segment profiled the Dogman, more of a spirit-based creature seen near Holly, Michigan with more than 100 sightings of similar cryptids across the world. A 2005 incident was presented where a repo man was driven off by a man-dog type hybrid which drove him off the property he had entered to reposess a Cadillac.

Lastly and perhaps most terrifying were the accounts of the Wendigo, a rather nasty entity with a taste for human flesh rooted in North American legends and said to frequent the North Woods of the Great Lakes region. The Wendigo takes over people like an infection, possessing them with a cannibalistic hunger so intense that the creature is said to chew off its own lips and gnaw on its fingers. A case was presented where a Cree Indian in the 1870’s had killed and eaten his own family, claiming at his own hanging that he was no longer a man but rather possessed by a Wendigo. In a modern case from 2008, a border on a Greyhound bus attacked a fellow traveler, decapitated him, paraded around the bus with his victim’s head like a trophy, and supposedly ate pieces of flesh from his victim…again supposedly possessed by the Wendigo, which in its true form appears as a frozen, cadaverous monster…truly scary stuff!

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Momo, Shadow People, and the Van Meter Monster

December 30, 2013

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– – Monsters and Mysteries in America recently provided us with three nightmares after Xmas in a new episode, just the right antidote for the holiday season! Momo it would appear is a Missouri version of Bigfoot, described by those who have seen if not loved him as a long-haired beast covered in fur and emanating a stench! In 1972, “Missouri Momo” generated quite a commotion in the confusingly-named town of Louisiana, Missouri for several months. He was spotted by two boys and their mother, and is blamed for the disappearance of several dogs, which the creature apparently has an appetite for. The only physical evidence of Momo, however, is a plaster cast of a footprint showing a deep heel imprint and unusual toes…

Shadow people are reported to haunt Maryville, Missouri, with some claiming to have seen full-figure apparitions. These tall, dark creatures are sometimes reported with glowing red eyes, and one subtype apparently is seen wearing a brimmed hat. One person reports repeated, long-term encounters with a shadow person he calls, “the Cowboy.” So persistent and brazen was this entity that he knocked on the window of the haunted man’s car! Shadow people can sometimes be seen straight on, and in such encounters their appearance is especially ghastly, for they can appear bloodied, burnt, and mutilated. In some encounters, shadow people have verbally communicated dark desires to the persons visited that they abandon or harm family members…

Lastly, the Van Meter Monster was an unwelcome visitor to a town of the same name in Iowa in 1903 who ushered forth from a coal mine located across the town. The creature is said to resemble a large, somewhat humanized bat with featherless wings and the rather convenient feature of a light which emanates from a horn on the beast’s forehead; in my opinion, sketches make it look rather prehistoric, like a pterodactyl.  Townspeople of that day were alerted to the presence of the creature by the appearance of light at night, often projected from a height at a time prior to electrification of the town.  The monster was reportedly shot at by a number of individuals and not harmed by the experience, in one encounter casting a foul odor at the shooter. After several nights of such experiences, manly men of that day gathered firearms and dynamited the mouth of the mine which apparently served as a portal for the creature. The mine has remained closed since that time, with the bat-man unavailable for comment, evidently sealed within…what a great tale!

“Goat Man, Goat Sucker, and Zombie Soldiers”

December 17, 2013

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– – A recent episode of Monsters &  Mysteries in America as viewed on the Destination America channel lured viewers in with the assorted collection of paranormal and unexplained curiosities listed in our post title, unified only by their Texas location.  The segments were entertaining with content mostly seen elsewhere but mounted differently here, and healthy scientific skepticism is encouraged due to the speculative nature of the topics.  Their appearance in this blog does not mean personal endorsement of the viewpoints or explanations given by such programs.

The Goat Man segment concerned reported appearances of a large, hair-covered cryptic creature six to seven feet tall estimated to weigh 300 to 400 pounds in the Lake Worth area of Fort Worth, Texas.   In some accounts, the beast is reported to have scales on its face and horns on its head about six to eight inches long.  Also known as the Mud Man, appearances of the creature were multiple in the summer of 1969, after which time it seemed to go into hiding until being seen again in summer of 1990.   In one encounter portrayed, the Goat Man came out of trees to land on top of a car parked in a lover’s lane in the Lake Worth area, trying to grab the arm of the woman within.

A second segment of the hour episode concerned the chupacabra sightings in the Cuero, Texas area.  Some reported footage of an unidentified beast with a massive head and ears was presented that was filmed from a pursuing sheriff’s car in 2008; canid-like, this creature escaped further pursuit and identification by running off the road.  A nutritionist, Dr. Phylis Canion, was then portrayed whose ranch had experienced chicken slaughter incidents.  A deceased specimen of the beast was found on a nearby road, and actually maintained by the woman in a home freezer before being sent out for testing; DNA results did not match the creature with known animals such as dogs or coyotes, with the conclusion made that it was an unknown species.  Some have concluded that the Cuero chupacabra is a hybrid creature, possibly with a skin condition such as mange.  The segment differentiated the Cuero sightings from those associated with chupacabra sightings and encounters in Puerto Rico, where the creature is more alien in appearance and apparently capable of at least some degree of bipedalism.

Lastly and perhaps with least credibility was a report of “zombie soldiers” in the Brownsville area of southern Texas, with the suggestion made that such appearances are associated with fighting in the area which occurred in the Mexican-American or Civil War.  The shorter segment detailed an incident in summer of 1985 when a young couple in a truck pulled off on a side road at night to pursue some sleep.  A knock came at the truck door with the couple exiting the truck cab to investigate, following a light seen ahead, and subsequently being encircled by zombie-like individuals attired in similar fashion, as in “Walking Dead”episodes.  The couple managed to make their way back to the safety of their truck, and gunning the vehicle escaped in it back to the main road.  Handprints were later discovered all over the truck’s exterior. A bloody battle of the American Civil War had supposedly taken place on the grounds of their encampment in 1865.

Hinging just on the account of the couple involved, the third segment had the flavor of an urban myth, although the area involved has a history supportive of ghostly encounter tales…pleasant screams!

Bear at a Bar!

December 9, 2013

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– – I’m always sad to see an animal turn to strong drink, although lord knows bears have good reason to; they’re hunted, exploited, and subjected to Yogi Bear type portrayals.  Still, the bear portrayed in the brief Jim Beam honey bourbon whiskey commercial seems to be holding it together pretty well, even if he is monopolizing the stock of Jim Beam Honey at a bar where a customer asks the barkeep if there’s any left of it; you know how bears are reputed to be with honey and all, they’ve got that Winnie-the-Pooh thing going on…

…well, the bartender slides a glass down to the unnamed bruin, who apparently is a well-known customer at the establishment.  He obviously knows his way around the bar, and also the stringed instrument that he is shown strumming at the end of the commercial. – – Remember, bears, know your limits, and drink responsibly!

 

Geico “Pig in a Blanket” Commercial

December 3, 2013

maxwell football– – Geico’s Maxwell the pig is back in a commercial spot again, this time at a football game where he is again demonstrating the capabilities of his Geico app to a friend, even in the midst of a a crowded stadium.  It’s evidently a chilly day prompting some extra covering in the outdoor facility, and pretty soon the stadium cam zooms in on Maxwell, causing his image to appear on a giant screen, together with the legend, “Pig in a blanket!” For the uniformed, this refers to a recipe for hot dogs prepared wrapped in crescent rolls.  We’ll overlook the additional fact that footballs were once referred to as “pigskins.”

“Guess I walked into that one,” quips Maxwell, who at this point could use some better material…

The Pepto Bismol Squirrel in “Aerial Enlightenment”

November 15, 2013

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– – Enlightenment can apparently be found anywhere, even on aircraft, when you have Pepto To Go!  We’ve already seen the zen-oriented rodent in the forest, and now he pops up on a flight, where he tells a female passenger that he can see that she’s packed…her stomach!  Such a pronouncement would be unwelcome from a human, but coming from a squirrel, we marvel at his sage perception.  

He appears out of a seatback compartment that looks like a medicine cabinet, and before we know it, the squirrel has somehow teleported into the woman’s pocket, emerging with a vial of Pepto, and telling the passenger that relief can be hers. There is a price to be paid, however, for the woman’s airline peanuts belong to the squirrel, and are shown in his tiny paws as he reappears in the seatback compartment in front of her, and the commercial ends.  Wisdom, like the squirrel, is where you find it…and perhaps the squirrel will come when the student is ready…

The Denskies and the Bear…

November 13, 2013

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– – In a new Sears commercial dealing with points redemption, we again see Bob Denskie, the guy earlier at the core of the squirrel revolt, trying to save money and winding up apparently in mortal danger.  Venturing out in the woods to harvest a Christmas tree, we see a panicking Denskie dragging the object of his search, running while being pursued by a bear.  “I’ve got the tree, open the door!,” he implores urgently with the bear in hot pursuit.  Denskie makes an additional observation about the bear: “He’s not hibernating!

We then cut to information about how Sears bonus purchase points add up, making it an easier way to save money.  When we are again returned to the hapless Denskie, we find that we need not have been concerned, for he is shown making snow angels with the bear sitting harmlessly at his side.  “And I thought you were gonna eat me!,” comments Bob Denskie, alive, well, and presumably much relieved…

Five-Hour Sour Apple Energy Shots Deer…

November 10, 2013

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– – In a recent commercial, the door of a rustic cabin deep in the woods creaks open late one night.  Standing in the doorway, we see the form of a magnificent buck.  The invader steals into the cabin where a hunter sleeps in bed; quickly and silently, the deer steals the hunter’s five-hour energy shots, thinking by this action that the hunter will be weakened, drowsy and unable to undertake the hunt the next morning! But perhaps the hunter has only pretended to be asleep; he pulls down his covers to reveal beneath them a pack of five-hour extra strength sour apple energy shots, saying to the now absent deer that he’ll be seeing him bright and early the next morning…diabolically clever!

One can hardly fault the deer for seeking to deprive the hunter of his edge.  Perhaps, however, the deer should have absconded with the hunter’s rifle instead of his energy shots, and opened up on him with his own weapon when he sought to pursue his “sport,” making it for the first time a fair competition…that’s what the fox says!

 

The Starburst “Juicy Dragon…”

October 8, 2013

starburst– – I hate to see mythological creatures exploited, and one usually doesn’t want to mess with dragons.  But the Starburst “giggly juicy dragon” is not your typical dragon, even among a race of extraordinary creatures.  The dragon in question also seems to dearly love his videos, and apparently is easily entertained by them.  The dragon must live under a rock not to already be familiar with the “keyboard cat” video, but then again, dragons are reputed to at times live under rocks, or at least in caves.  For that reason, the giggly juicy dragon is probably starved for entertainment, or at the very least doesn’t get out much.  The “keyboard cat” apparently can really tickle the dragon’s funnybone, or whatever he may have that passes for one.

In this short video, one candy-chomping man is wondering how they get Starburst candies to be so juicy; lord knows, many poor devils lay awake at night pondering that very point.  Now thanks to this commercial, you need wonder no longer! – – They show the giggly juicy dragon funny videos such as the keyboard cat, he laughs so hard that he weeps tears of joy, and such tears as they flow are collected and put into the Starbursts.  I guess that this isn’t quite exploitative as the dragon gets his jollies that way, although PETA might see the matter differently…