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Snickers “Godzilla” Commercial…

July 16, 2014

 

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Godzilla, as we learn in a Snickers commercial, is an alright dude!  We are shown footage of the big guy in just slightly larger than human form, hanging at the beach, riding four wheelers, playing ping-pong, and making the scene at a party.- – What a party animal!

“Godzilla’s actually pretty cool!,” comments one male party-goer to his friend.  “Except when he’s hungry,” corrects the buddy.  Then the footage cuts to Godzilla in full rampage, hundreds of feet tall and blasting cars airborne with his breath.  Fortunately, someone in the crowd knows the remedy for this situation, and lobs Godzilla a Snickers bar. – – He eats the morsel, gets a blissful expression on his massive face, and then suddenly…Party Godzilla is back, water skiing and blending happily into human society again!  

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, we are told. Studies have shown that hunger and anger can be linked. Maybe then the answer to unrest in the Middle East and elsewhere is simply to bombard the combatants with Snickers bars…heck, diplomacy doesn’t seem to be doing much, so make chocolate, not war!

Categories: animals, creature features, furry, furry commercials, scalies, sci fi, television
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Hogzilla!

July 12, 2014

 

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The topic of really large feral pigs has come up before on some shows like Monster Quest, and doctored photos of hunters with gigantic hog kills may readily be found on the Internet. It was probably just a matter of time before the Mountain Monsters crew went hog wild themselves, finally venturing out of West Virginia into Hocking Hills, Ohio for a crack at the big pig. You do know as well that the bottom of the barrel is being scraped when a wild boar is being considered a “monster.”

Well, the Hogzilla in question was reputed to weigh 1,200 lbs., be 8′ to 9′ long, and stand about 4-1/2′ tall at the shoulders. Most interestingly, the hog is reputed to have small, crude, usable paws. It was first sighted in the 1790’s, and terrorizes local farmers.

A local eyewitness called “Wild Man” was first interviewed, a backwoods archaeologist who reported seeing a fanged creature who got up on two legs. In the area, the team found a log broken open for grubs. On their first night’s investigation, the team found a trail with leaves torn up, saw a thermal image, heard the beast roar, and found his nest; team member Buck claimed to have caught a glimpse of the beast.

A tunnel trap was built of steel while expert tracker “Wild Bill” provided low comedy grossness by chewing on pork ribs, contending that he was “eating his enemy.” A farmer called Beau was interviewed who contended that the creature tore up his feed bags, and that he saw it stand on its back legs. Beau also shared a shadowy cell phone video of the beast. Also interviewed were hobbyists Tom and Elaine, who had a trail camera image clearer than most that showed the front half of a boar.

The trap was baited with corn and covered with brush, and the final night’s hunt was conducted by Beau’s barn. Urine and mangled underbrush were seen, and “Buck” made hog calls. The hog was tracked to a barn where he could be heard but not seen; the wily devil had slipped out! They pursued him to a feed trailer, where the hog burst out the back. Hooting and hollering, the team pursued their quarry to the trap, where…miracle of miracles…they had actually caught something, a Russian wild boar about 8′ long. It did not have long razor tusks or paws, but as Wild Bill sagely proclaimed, “That is one big pig!”

Seemingly ecstatic that they had actually caught something for once, the team called animal control. Hail to thee, oh mighty hunters! – – Are you not entertained?!

Categories: animals, anomalies, cryptozoology, television, unexplained, unidentified
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Dish Kangaroo Hopper “Mommy Mind” Commercial

July 10, 2014

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Other than the occasional “Aussie” hair products commercial, you don’t see a lot of kangaroos in advertising, and it’s hard not to like this little guy, who appreciates a good nap yet is there when you need him. The ‘roo is of the size and general appearance of a stuffed animal, and is sensibly belted into his seat. Riding shotgun in the family car with Momma at the wheel and two boys beginning to fuss in the back seat, the Dish kangaroo awakens from a sound sleep, proclaiming that naps are awesome!  He quickly takes the measure of the feuding kids in the back seat, telling the driving Mom, “Chill out, Momma Bear…I got this!” as he hands the warring brats a tablet with their favorite shows on it. – – Why, it’s a miracle! The brats shut up, and blessed silence again reigns, their little minds engaged by the shows that have been downloaded to the tablet by the Dish Hopper feature. It’s so much better than throwing the kids from the moving vehicle, and with far less legal complications!

“How did you do that?,” asks the grateful and incredulous Mom. The kangaroo then explains how with the Hopper he put all of the kids’ fave recorded shows on the tablet, “So you wouldn’t lose your Mommy mind in the car.”

“Mommy likes Dish!,” responds the long-suffering Mother, who has been driven half out of her nut by her kids.  I’m sure that lots of parents can identify with that on a car trip of any duration.

“OK!,” responds the kangaroo, with a tone and expression indicating that he is slightly weirded out by Mommy’s reaction…and wouldn’t “The Kangaroo in the Car” or “Road ‘Roo” be a great title for a kid’s book?!

Categories: animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, furry commercials, television
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“Penny Dreadful” is Dreadfully Good!

July 1, 2014

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If you have a taste for horror that’s complex, intelligently written, and well-acted you might find Showtime’s series “Penny Dreadful” a real gem! The title of the series hails from sensational serialized British literary entertainment of the 19th century that was pitched to working-class males, each installment of which cost a penny.

Now before your eyes glaze over, this framework unites classic literary horror characters of the 19th century, such as Victor Frankenstein, Van Helsing, Dorian Grey, and others all updated and re-imagined in refreshing ways. Victor Frankenstein, for example (pictured), is portrayed as a young man, vital, intellectual, and with knowledge and capabilities light years ahead of the Victorian times.  His creations (yes, there is more than one “monster”) are not mute, shuffling brutes, but rather agile and articulate if socially impaired creatures who read and learn, grow, and suffer angst; they wander about London.  We are really starting to like the second-generation “Proteus” when the first-born unexpectedly appears to rip him apart.  Characters not presented in classic literature are also introduced, such as the dark and formidable Vanessa Ives, an at times demonically possessed medium and clairvoyant who reminds me of Wednesday Addams as she might have been in adulthood; a seance scene featuring her is absolutely incredible. Timothy Dalton, who has taken a turn as James Bond, portrays Sir Malcom, the leader of a group of Victorian-era “ghostbusters” including Dr. Frankenstein who are trying to retrieve his one daughter from a particularly nasty group of vampires.  Each team member has a unique skill set; these characters could do Mountain Monsters, and actually catch and subdue something!

It’s all wild stuff played seriously, and the series isn’t for the squeamish or the young as there is violence, blood, occasional nudity, and adult themes. The Victorian setting is recreated lavishly and with attention to detail; this is upper-level television, even if death and the supernatural as art. – – What furry elements are there is all of this? Well, in the last episode of the first season that has just concluded, one character when his back is hard pressed to the wall by bounty hunters about to drag him off in chains is revealed to be a werewolf!  I won’t reveal which character so as not to spoil the surprise for those who have yet to view the series or the episode, each of which has a dramatic twist of some kind you probably won’t see coming.  

With a dynamite ensemble cast and an underlying idea that hasn’t been visited since The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, this series is great for those who like psychological thrillers and dark horror.  Catch it on Showtime, or view it on Xfinity On Demand…

Categories: animal elements, fantasy, furry horror, historical perspectives, television
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Cave Creature of Greenbrier County…

June 29, 2014

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If you like things that go bump in the dark, the Cave Creature installment of Mountain Monsters was a hoot!  In this episode, the AIMS team went in quest of an elusive cave creature in Greenbrier County, West Virginia. –What is it about West Virginia, anyways, that apparently generates these supposed “monsters” like fruit flies?! Anyways, the Cave Creature in question weighs in at about 600 pounds, stands six to seven feet tall, and is human-like but has long arms and big hands.  Essentially hairless, the creature has great leaping and climbing abilities and lives within the twenty mile Bloodrun cave system, coming out in search of prey.  Early sightings go back to the 1850’s and the Shawnee Indians.

The rough-hewn Mountain Monsters crew first interviewed cave explorer, “Ed,” who reported hearing noises and saw something within the cave that blended in to the rock surfaces.  During their first night’s investigation, the team ventured into the vast cavern system, found a pile of bones within, and saw scratch marks on a rock face.   As the confines of the cave made large, conventional traps impossible, trap-maker Willy and sidekick “Wild Bill” made multiple leg-hold snares.  These snares, over forty in number, were positioned inside the north entrance of the cave system.

 An outdoorsman and hunter, “Junior” was interviewed who reported hearing the sound of the creature, and had caught on a trail cam an image of what appeared to be the hunched back of something unknown.  “Foley,” a deer hunter, was also interviewed who also had heard sounds and recorded on his cell phone a low, grumbling sound like a growl or roar.  On the final night of the hunt, most of the team went into the south entrance of the caverns to flush the beastie north to where the snares awaited.  For good measure, “Buck” was positioned outside of the north entrance with a rifle should the creature avoid the snares and escape there.  The team had fashioned old-school torches that they carried in an attempt to scare the creature with fire, and had they carried pitchforks as well, the group would have resembled the ragtag type mob of villagers that pursued the Frankenstein monster and similar creatures in old horror movies.  While the flaring torches provided great dramatic effect, they soon burned out, and the team had to switch to battery-powered lights.  

Things started to get interesting when the team found a severed and largely denuded wolf head presumably left as a warning to the team, kind of a “how do you do…this could be you!” thing.  The rock with Willy’s furthest snare was found broken with the attaching nail and snare itself missing; other snares had been left untouched.  As the team wandered further into the dark, winding caverns, fleeting thermal images of something were seen. Investigating a crevice by crawling into it, Willy was grabbed by the foot and dragged briefly backwards!  Yelling, bouncing light beams, and waving guns dominated the scene at this point.  (Memorable line:  “I’m as scared as a prostitute in church!”)  Going further towards the north cave entrance, multiple snares in the pathways had been missed, as if the creature had seen and avoided them, or perhaps climbed along the rock faces.  A hand print was seen, and there was also a brief, partial glimpse of something at a crest.   At that point, the extensive cavern system diverged into multiple passageways, which made further tracking and pursuit of the Cave Creature impossible.  This game went to the Cave Creature.  “He can have the cave!,” concluded “Wild Bill.”  All’s well that ends, I guess…

Categories: animals, anomalies, cryptozoology, television, unexplained, unidentified
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Snallygaster of Preston County…

June 22, 2014

wpid-1403393359636.jpgWest Virginia continues to be a hotbed of unknown species with the Snallygaster   (S2/Ep11, 2014), said to be a huge, flying reptile with a twenty-foot wingspan that weighs in at about 800 pounds.  First seen in the mid-1700’s, the Snallygaster was known to German immigrants. Multiple sightings occurred in more recent times in the 1990’s.

 The Mountain Monsters team first interviewed an eyewitness, “Bub,” a trapper whose coyote traps were being robbed of their catch and ripped from the ground.  “Bub” reported hearing a loud screech and beholding something about 7′ tall with a beak.  Their first night’s investigation followed, with area coyotes appearing stirred up and parts of “Bub’s” traps found.  Noises were heard up high, and fearing aerial attack the team took refuge under logs, vacating the scene thereafter.  

A second eyewitness, “Ty,” was interviewed the following day.  This squirrel hunter reported that one of his dogs was slain by something unknown, finding the animal dead with a puncture wound.  He had set up a trail camera, sharing two images which seemed to show something on the ground with wings.  A third eyewitness, “Mark,” a farmer, reported hearing coyotes fighting with the creature near his farm.  Remarkably, “Mark” also presented a large fractured egg, said to be one of the Snallygaster’s.  Speculated then was a scenario where the coyotes had stolen the eggs of the Snallygaster, causing it to essentially go to war with coyote-kind.  The coyotes needed a champion, and Wile E. Coyote was nowhere to be seen.  

A reverse catapult trap to catch the flying reptile had originally been designed, but the box component of it proved too heavy to support aloft, resulting in the team resorting to a simpler box trap.  On their final night’s hunt, the team as was their usual practice split into two groups to flush the beastie towards their trap.  They saw two sets of eyes in the darkness, suggesting that there were at least two of the creatures.  One of the team groups found a ground nest with a deer leg in it; they radioed the other team members, and fearing attack took refuge jointly in an old cabin. In a scene reminiscent of the original Night of the Living Dead movie, the united AIMS team was put under attack (or so it was presented) in their cabin refuge, with impact thumps heard to the roof and walls.  Feeling themselves to be sitting ducks in the cabin, the team members fled the location, taking off down the mountain in their all-terrain vehicles while apparently under pursuit for part of the distance by presumably the Snallygasters.  The dragon-like beasts abandoned their pursuit of the humans when they were partway down the mountain, possibly feeling that they weren’t worth their time…

 

Categories: animals, anomalies, avian, cryptozoology, television, Uncategorized, unexplained, unidentified
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Shadow Creature of Braxton County…

June 19, 2014

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Sometimes, perceived “monsters” may be non- indigenous species; a mountain lion outside of its normal habitat, for example.  That hardly seems to be the case with the Shadow Creature of Grafton County, however, as presented on S2/Ep07 (2014) of the Mountain Monsters series.  The Shadow Creature is reported to stand 6′ to 8′ tall, to weigh 350 to 500 pounds, and to have long teeth and most surprisingly, an exoskeleton!  It travels at night, lives in the shadows, and moves in stealth…quite a formidable creature!  Sightings of the beast date back to the mid-1800’s in West Virginia, at which time five Union soldiers were reportedly attacked and mutilated by the creature.

The first reported eyewitness interviewed was a hunter called “Benji,” who walked out of his shooting location to see something about 7′ tall, dark black in color, that had an exoskeleton, blended in with trees, and moved quickly on steep ground.  During their first night’s investigation, the AIMS team failed to find tracks in the snow but found deer blood, inferring that the creature had leaping ability.  They also had thermal images of something, and heard screeching sounds..

The next day, a snare trap was constructed and baited with deer. During trap construction, the woods became silent and a cry was heard.  A tree segment appeared to be thrown at Willy and “Wild Bill” while they were checking out a cave.  “Kim,” an eyewitness who held a rifle during the entire interview, related that the creature was killing deer, leaving their heads strewn about.  The hunter shared a blurred trail cam image of something large and dark with an apparent exoskeleton. 

During their final night’s hunt, the steep terrain made it difficult to flush the creature out, and Willy fell some distance.  Fleeting thermal images were seen, and it was felt that a visual sighting was also made.  Ice 1″ thick was seen to have been broken.  When they reached their trap, the deer bait had been taken although the trap was unsprung, with the deer apparently accessed through a hole made in the side of the trap.  Shadowy images were captured by a trail camera left in the trap vicinity, and team leader “Trapper” noted that the creature hadn’t turned on them, so they had put the fear of men into him…believe it, or not!

Categories: animals, anomalies, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained, unidentified
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The Gecko Meets Rocky and Bullwinkle…

June 16, 2014


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Rocky and Bullwinkle have had a cult following since the 1960’s, falling into lean times until a big-screen movie treatment brought a modest revival of sorts.  Geico has occasionally honored classic ‘toon heroes in their commercials, including the great Wile E. Coyote.  While neither Rocky nor Bullwinkle can aspire to the lofty title of genius rightfully bestowed on the Coyote, it’s still good to see them occasionally getting out and about in public. This was the case in a recent Geico commercial where we first see the omnipresent Gecko in the Rocky Mountains, reflecting on the enduring qualities of both the Rockies and his insurance company employer.

Enter the irrepressible Bullwinkle Moose, long a fountain of misinformation.  Now the Moose and Squirrel have been the embodiment of randomness long before it became mainstream, and when the Gecko speculates about whom the Rockies were named after, Bullwinkle J. Moose appears out of nowhere, and unasked ventures that they were named after his friend and constant companion, Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Rocky himself then flies in, balancing endearingly on the Moose’s palm.  Rocky tries to correct Bullwinkle, who then shifts to an explanation that the Rockies were named after “First President George Rockington.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” correctly observes the Gecko at this point, referring to Bullwinkle as, “Mr. Winkle.”  Apparently recognizing that logic is wasted on Bullwinkle, Rocky executes multiple dramatic flying loops around his friend, and flies off.  The whole commercial doesn’t make a lot of sense, but such was the general nature of the sixties show about the best-known residents of Frostbite Falls…

Categories: animal spokepersons, anthropomorphic, cartoons, furry, furry commercials, television
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The Tums Meatball Commercial…

June 11, 2014

 

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I, for one, find the thought of a combative meatball oddly disturbing, especially when it’s of near-human size. Now the Tums people have in commercials brought us some rather bizarre sights before, including a chicken wing that whips its consumer across the face, an attacking taco, and worse still, a giant headless chicken carcass ready to use its martial arts skills at a barbecue.  Still, we are reassured by Tums that such things may yet be resolved, so that the chicken corpse may amicably play volleyball with us in the end; one can under some circumstances play with their food.

In this vein, we are shown the scene of an apparently pleasant Italian dinner into which a bellicose meatball drops sauce on a diner, then parachutes down, and immediately picks an argument with him. “Ya want heartburn?  I got yer heartburn right here!,” challenges the meatball.  Surrealistically, this meatball has bare human arms and legs. I will not venture a guess about the meatball’s sex, as I prefer not to go there. Suffice it to say, however, that had Hitler deployed meatball paratroopers in sufficient numbers, the course of World War II might have run quite differently, or at least been more entertaining…plus the troops would have eaten well.

While they’re annoying, it turns out to be fairly easy to hold a giant meatball at bay, being that they’re rotund, and will just swing their short little arms at you if you hold them at arm’s length.  Then with Tums, the spicy meatball becomes quite personable, joining you at your table for an after-dinner coffee.  Probably they also know some funny stories…and it adds a new dimension to calling someone a meathead…

 

Categories: absurdities, anthropomorphic, strange, television
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Death Cat of Cherokee County…

June 9, 2014

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It was another case of a ferocious feline on a recent episode of Mountain Monsters (S2/Ep10, 2014).  The Death Cat in question weighs in at 500 pounds, measures 6′ long without his tail, and has a shaggy coat.  He was first spotted in the early 1800’s in Cherokee County, North Carolina so that was the location to which the AIMS team made haste.  An interesting wrinkle was the fact that this cat was not your ordinary Death Cat, having mythical qualities.  His initial appearances clocked in at about the time of the infamous “Trail of Tears” death march on which Native Americans were sent in the early 19th century, and this feline is supposedly kind of a payback for that injustice.  Supposedly, if you see the Death Cat, you will die…this is the kinda cat that not only gets your tongue, but the rest of you as well!

First interviewed was a beef cattle farmer by the name of “Herbal,” whose cattle were being killed in the classic big cat style, namely bitten by the throat and suffocated.  A 10″ paw print was found in the area.  During their first night’s investigation, the team found claw marks on a downed tree, and saw a thermal image in the brush.  Team rookie “Buck” got a bit carried away at that point, rushing ahead to pursue the beast but only catching a glimpse.  

The next day, a trip-string drop trap was constructed out of locust wood.  Interviewed was “Boone,” a farmer whose horse had been attacked, mutilated, and partially eaten.  He had a trail camera image supposedly showing part of the beast as seen from the side.  “David,” another farmer interviewed, had lost sheep killed in his barn, and also had a trail camera image taken in his tool shed.  This suggested that the creature had lost its fear of man, and was becoming bolder in invading human habitations.  

The trap was baited with a mixture of goat, pork, and urine provided by team member “Buck.”  Team leader “Trapper” was not informed of the urine component nor its origin, and low comedy hilarity ensued as Trapper put out the bait bare-handed and then stroked his beard as he was prone to do.  On their final night’s hunt, the team sought to flush the Death Cat from high country to farm country in a pincher movement executed by the split team moving towards their trap.  They found another large print, and entered an old barn where a goat leg was found.  Thinking that they had interrupted the cat in his meal, the team advanced closer to the barn loft where it was assumed that the beast had fled.  Blood dripped from above onto “Buck” at that point, soon to be followed by a goat carcass crashing to the floor.  The creature was fleetingly seen by team members running out of the barn door, and was pursued to another farm building from which he again escaped, returning to the previous building to claim his goat and make off with it…

This cat was slick!- – Although flushed towards the trap pursued by multiple armed men, he knew better than to enter the trap, avoiding it and making good his getaway.  The team did capture a number of images from a trail camera that they had posted near the site, one of which showed what appeared to be a large predacious-type feline captured in side view.  The Mountain Monsters team seemed to be awfully pleased with themselves for getting that, and considered their work well-done…and long may the Death Cat continue to confound its pursuers!

Categories: animals, anomalies, cryptozoology, furry, mysteries, scavengers and predators, television, Uncategorized, unexplained
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