Archive for the ‘aquatic’ category

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The NJM Narwhal and Nemesis “Carl…”

January 26, 2023

For a company that boasts of “no talking animals or irritating jingles,” the NJM insurance company has given us some great ones. And what’s wrong with talking animals, I want to know? Sirs, I am one! 🦊

One of the first great talking animals that NJM has given us was this full-suited narwhal. Now it’s not everyday that you run across someone in a narwhal fursuit, and this fellow has the best intentions…he just wants to audition to be the NJM mascot, and gets zero tolerance. The poor fellow seems to have a flaccid horn…don’t they have a drug now that you can take for that? No wait, that’s the infamous “bent carrot” commercials for Peyronie’s Disease, thanks to which we’ll never see misshaped carrots the same way again…aargh! 😾

Anyways, the NJM receptionist sics laid-back security guard Carl on the poor would-be narwhal mascot to usher him from the building. Wearing a full-body narwhal costume isn’t all peaches and crèam; it’s easy to fall on stairs, for example…

Now Carl the Security Guard played by Scott Watson ordinarily has a boring and uneventful job, except when blue narwhals show up. He is unflappable, and plays the role to deadpan perfection, even in this surreal circumstance. He is the perfect foil to the irrepressible narwhal, ebulliently played by Jared M. Smith.

The narwhal is not easily discouraged or defeated, and in subsequent commercials tries to re-enter the premises, including by vehicle again to be thwarted by Carl. “I’m outta here!,” blusters the narwhal, only to find that his flippers make poor appendages for operating a car…

So catch the delightful rivalry of Narwhal vs. Carl, which to me is vaguely reminiscent of Charlie the Tuna trying to get Starkist to take him in those old commercials. This might be a great live action cartoon…

And now for the first time ever, we bring you the fox-narwhal hybrid. Yes, I think I could get into that character! Please note that my horn isn’t floppy or bent. Everyone sing now: “Fox-narwhals, fox-narwhals, swimming in the ocean, and causing a commotion, because they are so awesome…“

Categories: absurdities, advertising, alternative realities, animal spokepersons, anthropomorphic, aquatic, Brilliant but twisted, commercials, furry, furry commercials, humor, television
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“King Shark” Rules!

February 3, 2022

In the depths of winter and the continuing pandemic, we could all use a little King Shark right now! Anthropomorphic sharks are a rare breed indeed, and this one is a metahuman criminal denizen of DC’s extended universe, a villain who somehow manages to be cute and even likable despite a taste for human flesh…

The son of a “King of All Sharks,” King Shark (real name Nanaue) is a demigod who is voiced to perfection by Sylvester Stallone in the Suicide Squad 2 movie. Stallone’s mumbling, monotone delivery suits the man-shark character well. Although quite deadly and almost indestructible, King Shark (shown above reading a book in prison upside down) is child-like and dull-witted, speaking in short, simple phrases. Just point him in the right direction, and then get out of his way!

You would want to be King Shark’s friend, because if you were not, you’d be nom nom, namely something good to eat. King Shark doesn’t eat his friends, although almost anything else organic would be considered fair game. He may be seen chewing happily on a human head and other body parts of those opposing him in the movie…

So catch King Shark as memorably created in the Suicide Squad movie. And when he celebrates Shark Week, you’d better party along…. 🦊

Categories: absurdities, alternative realities, anthropomorphic, aquatic, Brilliant but twisted, furry, imaginary animals, movies, twisted reality
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Ocean Sunfish Profiling!

October 17, 2020

Here at Foxsylvania, we decry the reporting of ocean sunfish for engaging in normal fish behaviors such as hanging around and swimming about. It would appear that some people in Massachusetts are freaked out by the appearance of ocean sunfish off their coast, and are dialing 911 and reporting them to the police. They seem to think that the sunfish are sharks or injured seals, or that they may be in some form of distress…

…well, the large bony fish of genus Mola are just fine, doin’ what comes naturally, and violating no laws. They are somewhat funny-looking as they lack a tail fin and so look incomplete, sort of like the AMC Gremlin of the sea. Their teeth are fused into a kind of parrot-like beak, adding to their alien, goofy appearance. Sunfish are so called because of their habit of basking on their side on the ocean surface as a temperature regulation mechanism since they will dive to depths of 2,600 feet or so on feeding forays, and it can be cold down there! So if you see the ocean sunfish which can weigh up to 5,000 pounds and measure over 10’ in length floating at the surface, rumors of their death are premature. They’re just catchin’ some rays, dude…

The authorities would request that the good citizens of Massachusetts not call 911 over sightings of ocean sunfish swimming and basking. The police, after all, have bigger fish to fry…

Categories: animals, aquatic, events involving animals, fish, solved mysteries
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Fishy Business…

September 11, 2020


Chace Crawford portrays an Aquaman-type character called The Deep on the Amazon Prime series The Boys, and the character has body image issues because he has, well, gills.  I’m not talking about discrete gill slits either of the type that we’ve seen on Kevin Costner in Waterworld on the neck, but rather large, gaping chest apertures that open and close.  More disturbingly, the character seems to enjoy having those gill slits shall we say, erotically stimulated?  Still more bizarre was a drug-induced episode where the character engaged in dialogue with his talking gill slits, and even sang a duet with them to the tune of, “You Are So Beautiful.” This was pretty trippy stuff, capable of wowing even my jaded sensitivities!

Crawford wears the sea suit well, and is one sexy if emotionally conflicted superhero.  It isn’t easy, after all, to be looked down upon as the token aquatic hero who talks to sea life.  In exploring the character of such a hero, we can only think of how far such characters have come from the web-fingered portrayal of one such being by Patrick Duffy in The Man from Atlantis.- –Who could blame such guys for occasionally being crabby?  I mean, they aren’t doing it on porpoise…

 

 

Categories: alternative realities, anomalies, aquatic, fantasy, sci fi, television, twisted reality
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“Serpentine Creatures” on MonsterQuest…

August 31, 2020

 

MonsterQuest was a show largely about cryptic creatures that debuted in October of 2007 and ran for three seasons before vanishing and being replaced by a series of inferior imitations.  The series was far better grounded than most, incorporating history of the supposed hidden life form under investigation, eyewitness accounts, and even commentary by actual scientists! 

I’m pleased to see that MonsterQuest is back for a fourth season on the History Channel as a series of specials, the first of which aired recently and concerned “Serpentine Creatures” or “Lake Demons,” essentially oversized, monster eels in North American lakes. 

In Lake Ontario in 1974, an eel fisherman was reportedly lifted out of the water by an eel that he could barely escape.  “Cressie” is said to exist in New Foundland, reportedly measuring 20 to 40 feet in length.  Then there’s the gold standard of North American lake monsters, Ogopogo, said to measure up to a whopping 50′ in length and to inhabit Lake Okanagan in Canada!  Ogopogo is said to have a snake-like body displayed in coils, and about seven sightings a year are reported by diverse people.

Pursuing Cressie, the MonsterQuest investigative team engineered a search that combined a helicopter team with a dive boat.  The helicopter crew spotted a thermal signature from the air, summoning then the dive boat to do a search.  The divers found sink holes in the lake, but encountered considerable silt obstruction.  They found a carcass that was hoped might be a juvenile specimen, but later scientific testing proved it to be nothing more than a deteriorated salmon…

While the tone of the episode was reminiscent of the old MonsterQuest series, it really wasn’t exciting to me personally, dragging at times to the point of becoming almost tedious. Giant eels really don’t float my boat, although they might if they were actually under it!  Hopefully episode 2 concerning Bigfoot will interject a little of the old series excitement…

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Categories: animals, anomalies, aquatic, controversial, cryptozoology, encounters, scalies, television, unexplained, unidentified
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Of Octopus Farms and Anthropomorphic Octopi…

January 2, 2020


Scientists warn that octopus farms may not be a great idea despite the fondness of some people for eating them.  This is to say nothing of the fact that an octopus farm sounds like a recurrent theme in a Gary Larson Far Side cartoon.  For one thing, octopuses are carnivorous, eat a lot, and are intelligent. They can figure out how to open jars, recognize individual humans, and identify puzzles that they’ve seen before.  They also can become bored, and toys are sometimes put into aquariums for them to provide cognitive stimulation.  They can even learn how to escape their containment facilities, possibly in search of video gaming systems.  

As fishing for octopuses yields a variable and unreliable supply, efforts to farm them have been made that include dabbling in genetic modifications of the creatures.  Now I, for one, don’t want to have to deal with roving mobs of bored, carnivorous, genetically-modified octopi that have escaped their farm aquariums, although this appears to be a promising premise for a Syfy Channel movie.

One might even become concerned about the plight of Hanna-Barbera’s 1960’s character Squiddly Diddly becoming frustrated in his musical aspirations, and escaping the confines of his aquatic park to take the musical and entertainment worlds by storm. Despite his name, the character was essentially an octopus, and might indulge his carnivorous nature on us if we failed to give him a listen…

 

Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, aquatic, cartoons
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Geico’s “Lobster Hot Tub Party”..

March 11, 2019


I have often walked past the lobster tank in my local supermarket, pitying the poor doomed creatures within and wishing that I could set them free, like some kind of crustacean messiah. In a recent Geico commercial, I can imagine one such liberated lobster enjoying his freedom, sitting in the corner of a hot tub, his claws spread wide as he enjoys the tub jets. There are also two newlywed humans in the far corner of the tub with him.

“I can’t believe it!,” says the guy as he looks at his phone. “That there’s a lobster in the tub with us?,” questions his new wife. It seems that the guy is more incredulous about how much they saved on car insurance with Geico, and how easy it was to do it. The mellow lobster, voiced by H. Michael Croner, asks if the couple is staying at the hotel, and congratulates them when he learns they’re newlyweds. Marriage is not for him, however, as he’s afraid of committment…he’s been boiled alive! The hotel chef appears at this point, looking for the lobster and causing him to duck underwater. We can understand when the lobster reappears, and proclaims that the chef is “the worst!” If you look carefully, the lobster appears to redden somewhat as the commercial progresses…

This cool crustacean can hang out in my bathtub anytime, and should the Lobster Liberation Army ever stage it’s move, I’m maintaining my innocence…

 

 

 

 

Categories: advertising, animal elements, anthropomorphic, aquatic, Brilliant but twisted, commercials, fantasy, Invertebrates, television
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McDonald’s “Fillet-o’-Fish” Returns…

March 7, 2019

Our McDonald’s Fillet-o’-Fish commercial begins on an icy boat in some frozen fishing waters where a crewman is playing a familiar theme on a recorder. Suddenly the ship’s radar signals an approaching image, which turns out not to be a school of fish but a yellow submarine!  Surfacing, out from the yellow submarine pops not the Beatles but a Jacque Cousteau look-alike, who is holding a tray heaped with Filet-o’-Fish sandwiches.  The commercial even throws in one of those aggravating Billy Bass-type mounted electronic fish novelty items from a few years back, who is pleased to sing you the McDonald’s Filet-o’-Fish song, and leave it to rattle around maddeningly inside your head while you beg it in vain to stop…

…and why is McDonald’s bringing back Filet-o’-Fish advertising now?  Well, they sell 40% of their fish sandwiches each year during the Lenten season, and the Golden Arches are just fishin’ while the fishing is good.  And I’ll bet that some of you owned a singing Billy Bass fish on a plaque, or knew someone who did.  The ones I most encountered sang Take Me To The River, which memory is already playing inside my head…good song, but make it stop!  

Categories: advertising, aquatic, commercials, television
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“Emotional Support” Blobfish…

January 8, 2019

I’m not unsympathetic to the idea of Emotional Support Animals, although some people have pressed the limits of what may be considered such an animal, and where it may be appropriate to take them.  As a case in point we have a Credit Karma commercial where a female passenger on an airline notices a male in the same seat row sporting a blobfish on his lap, who he introduces as Harold, an emotional support animal that he enlisted when his credit rating caused damage to his self-concept.  The woman advises the man that he can gain tips on improving his credit rating from Credit Karma, a thought which so excites the man that he accidentally drops Harold on the aircraft floor.  “He’ll be all right,” reassures the man.  “He’s a bottom feeder!“

Now blobfish are real, a deep sea creature found in waters 2,000 to 3,900 feet deep off mainland Australia, Tasmania, and New Zealand.  A few years back, they were voted “the Ugliest Animal in the World.”  Blobfish are easier on the eyes if you see them in their natural habitat, since the appearance that people associate with them is caused by decompression damage as the specimens are brought to the surface.  So be kind to the blobfish, as you’re not seeing them at their best.  Harold could certainly not live out of water, even while he appears to move slightly during the commercial.

Sadly, no one claims blobfish as their spirit animal.  These guys just can’t seem to get a break.  And when it comes to emotional support animals, I’m inseparable from my inner fox…

Categories: absurdities, advertising, animal oddities, anomalies, aquatic, Brilliant but twisted, commercials, creature features, furry, television, twisted reality
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Giant Purple Blobs Invading SF Bay!

September 7, 2018

Vintage science fiction movies cautioned us to “Watch the skies!,” but perhaps they better could have advised us to watch the seas, because you never know what’s gonna wash up.  Submitted for your approval is one such example, a large purple blob of the type that has washed ashore along California, even in San Francisco Bay.  

Sadly it’s not alien, but is only a harmless sea slug, measuring up to 30 inches long and weighing up to fifteen pounds, although most are about the size of a fist. Still living stranded specimens can even pulsate a bit, which led one observer to call 911, thinking that they had found a human heart.  They do have an internal organ-like quality to them.  Normally found off the Mexican coast and the Baja California coast, the large purple slugs are also called sea hares, because their extended antennae are thought to resemble rabbit ears.  They’re just not as cuddly and pet-worthy, but I’m showing a mammalian bias here…

…and isn’t Invasion of the Giant Purple Sea Hares a SyFy Channel movie that begs to be made?!

Categories: aquatic, Invertebrates, noteworthy, strange
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