— I, for one, have always found the Charmin Bear family rather dysfunctional and somewhat disturbing. Now, we all know that bears defecate in the woods, but I just don’t think that it’s normal or healthy for there to be so much preoccupation over the matter of toilet paper. I mean, the episode where Leonard, the father bear, is basically alone stroking the toilet paper by himself while almost in a trance-like state as he mutters “so soft!” strikes me as being rather creepy, or reflecting an unhealthy and unnatural obsession. Then there are control issues reflected, as when one or another of the bears (usually the males) are told (by Momma Bear Molly) how much toilet paper to use, and that they can be using less. — I mean, this is ‘merica, right, and I can be using as much dang toilet paper as I want to! The tag line is even “less is more;” what are these bears, Republicans?! Also we have the episode where one boy bear has little bits of TP all over his bear behind, and is called to task for it by Momma Bear, Molly…this seems to violate his body space, dignity, and personal privacy rights! There are also unresolved issues that beg to be addressed in this psychodrama, such as the apparent use of toilet paper (“bathroom tissue,” excuse me) without toilets or even bathrooms…and what of the minimally-rendered forest in which these bears reside? Where is this unreal estate located, the Twilight Zone?
All in all, we haven’t seen this much obsession over toilet paper since the days of store owner Mr. Whipple, who chastised customers for squeezing the Charmin while secretly engaging in the same behavior himself, a paragon of hypocrisy. The Mr. Whipple character was retired, by the way, when the actor portraying him died, death being the ultimate form of retirement…
– – Although I never cease to be amazed at the things which offend some people and cause them to go on the warpath, cute, cuddly Geico spokesman Maxwell the pig seems an unlikely target. He’s sweet, innocent, resourceful, and just trying to make his way in the world like the rest of us.
– – A new Terminix campaign visually supersizes termites and other household pests, making them visually repellent and a disgusting joy to watch. Rather than the small and largely unseen insects that termites actually are, these are giant, horrific hell-beasts that look fully capable of eating your house and probably anyone inside it as well. They are delivered to viewers complete with eerie horror-movie sounds and sinister voiceovers; Syfy original movie monsters should be half this good! One almost expects to see Ellen Ripley and a squadron of space marines appear to dispatch these loathsome and dangerous beasties, getting slaughtered in the process…the termites even have circular buzz-saw type jaws within jaws!
– – While we’re certainly not in the business of promoting alcoholic beverages here, the Red Stag Breakaway commercial for Jim Beam bourbon is a dazzling display of a stag on steroids. The big red guy begins his dramatic run in a residential neighborhood, then takes a turn into the city…and talk about burning up the pavement! A trail of flame initially follows the stag and cobblestones crumble beneath his mighty hooves as the stag charges ahead, literally running up walls and on the side of buildings to reach his final lofty height. It’s kind of like The Flash on four legs; what a rush with this scarlet speedster!
– – Hipster Maxwell the pig may have hail damage to his baby blue VW Cabriolet, but he’s so slick that he speedily gets an appointment through his Geico app with an insurance adjuster, and as fellow hail damage sufferer Ted struggles on hold with his insurance company, Maxwell even has time to steal Ted’s girlfriend away, and go boating with her! “Later, Ted!,” chortles the nameless fickle girl. –What is it with pigs, anyhow, that makes them “chick magnets?” Perhaps because they’re both farm animals…
– – Camels haven’t figured in commercials much since the days of tobacco pitchman Joe Camel, who was, it must be admitted, extremely cool. Now at last we have an anthropomorphic camel figuring in a Geico commercial, who parades around an office interrupting and distracting workers by happily asking them what day it is. The answer to the dromedary’s query is that it’s Wednesday, also known as hump day. Our two amiable musical hosts then appear, one asking us how happy people are that save hundreds of dollars on car insurance; the answer is that they’re happier than a camel on Wednesday…
– – A recent commercial aired by Walgreens shows a family of four returning to their SUV in a wooded area, only to find the vehicle already occupied by a quartet of raccoons engaged in merry mayhem; the rascals are into everything that they find within, one squeezing out suntan lotion from a container, another eating candy cherry slices from the dashboard, a third checking out prescription vials and bandages, and still another comically wearing a potato chip bag over his head! Needless to say, the family needs to replace some items, and Walgreens has over 8,000 stores to fill the bill.
– – We who have gardens know that unwanted animals can invade your territory, and lay waste to the fruits of your labors. For that reason, animal repellents are commonly used, both of the home variety and those commercially made. In a commercial aired by Liquid Fence, they take a rather idyllic-looking yard and divide it neatly in two, protecting part of it with bars of soap, scarecrows, shiny things, an ugly fence, ninjas, and “a Pomeranian (dog) who only works the day shift.” The other half of the yard is protected by Liquid Fence.- – Guess which half of the yard most effectively repels the unwanted wildlife?- -You guessed it!
– – As you’re likely aware, the Aflac Duck was recently injured, suffering damage to his beak and a wing. Now the waterfowl is fighting his way back, with help from physical therapy and the inspiration of Rocky Balboa! In the 60 second commercial, we are shown the duck struggling with such therapy tasks as climbing stairs, treading water, working on a gym station, and jumping rope…slow and sad piano-accented music plays in the background. It’s so hard for the doggedly-determined duck…but then he starts to get his energy and range of motion back, and as the soundtrack of “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays in the background, we see the duck working out like a champ!
FOXSYLVANIA 
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