Archive for July 2011

Creative and Awesome “Cowboys and Aliens!”

July 30, 2011

 – – If you go to see no other movie this summer or even this year, go see Cowboys & Aliens, which just opened at theaters this Friday, July 29th.  In a summer filled with disappointments, re-makes, and movies which just should never have been made, Cowboys & Aliens shines brightly, truly a beacon in the darkness.  It boasts an innovative storyline, some superb acting, rich atmospherics, and quality special effects.   While absurd on the surface, the movie works, is well crafted, and totally cool!

Alien menaces have been the rage for the past several years now, and one hopes that such a mentality does not hold sway in a real first contact situation with Earth, or the Vulcans may get blown away when they touch down in the future.  Still, the human race loves to overcome differences to unite against overwhelming odds, and so it was in the western town of  Absolution in the New Mexican Territory circa 1873 when a group of nasty aliens came to harvest gold and humans; when a cattle incineration occurs, we almost expect to see Fox Mulder’s great-grandfather introduced.  Daniel Craig as the enigmatic Jake Lonergan and Harrison Ford as Col. Dolarhyde overcome technological limitations to whip some serious alien butt, in the process uniting diverse enemies and even getting an assist from Native Americans. – – You haven’t lived until you’ve seen vicious aliens peppered by arrows and pierced by a lance!  These aliens are vulnerable because they underestimated us, so they deserve what they get, ‘ya see, and even their inner set of arms won’t save them.

This isn’t a comedy or a spoof and is played straight, although western traditions are played off left and right.  Craig provides a variation on Clint Eastwood’s “man with no name” as the man with no memory who finds himself in the desert soon to be assailed by undesirables.  Fortunately Craig brought his James Bond fighting skills with him, and has a nifty wrist rocket gadget appropriated from the aliens that might have been developed by “Q” himself.  Equally tough as nails is Harrison Ford, looking splendid in the saddle and seemingly as miffed at  government as everyone else.  When James Bond and Indiana Jones get together, you’re in for a wild and fun ride!- – So what if it’s not Shakespeare.

I applaud intelligent and well-done crossover movies such as Cowboys and Aliens, and hope that we’ll see more of them!   When Craig’s character rides off at the end Eastwood-like, a sequel is all but begged for.  Perhaps a few aliens could be spared to vaporize the Smurfs that were playing in the adjoining theater…now that’s a menace!


Exit the Tiger…

July 28, 2011

 – – I’ve seen far better tiger fursuits, but when Oregon democratic representative David Wu was photographed in a tiger suit, it raised concerns about erratic behavior and the congressman’s mental health!   The photo was apparently an attachment to an e-mail sent to a female staffer, and it apparently convinced a number of his staffers that Wu was batshit crazy, causing a number of them to resign and others to plan mental health interventions for him.  Wu said that the photo was taken while he was “joshing around” with his children late at night in October just before Halloween.

Sending the photo may have been poor judgement, but there are far worse photos that might be sent to female staffers, such as the shirtless and flexing  photos sent by one ousted New York congressman to a random woman met on Craigslist.  Later allegations of sexual improprieties would  force Wu to resign, but I will miss this nerdy congressman with limited social skills who in one speech famously said of the Bush administration, “Don’t let faux Klingons send real Americans to war!

Amazing Sea Monkeys!

July 26, 2011

– -If you grew up on comic books as I did, you may remember reading cheesy ads on the back pages and cover for things like, well, X-ray eyeglasses and Sea Monkeys!  The ad presented the sea monkeys as being intelligent mer-people who would serve you as their king, “clown around,” and even “learn tricks for your amusement!”- – What child doesn’t nurture a God-fantasy where a kingdom of adoring and obedient subjects would shout “Hail!,” and appeal for attention and approval whenever they enter their bedroom?  Twilight Zone episodes have been built around this kind of thing, and a locker full of a tiny kingdom was also glimpsed in one of the Men In Black movies.- -Works for me!

This would have been a neat trick indeed, because the “sea monkeys” were in reality not primates but… brine shrimp!  Gullible and naive fool that I was, I actually ordered sea monkeys…twice!  The first time, the tiny crustaceans failed to even hatchThe second time they did hatch, but had an extremely short life span, never living up to my expectations, showing personalities, or considering me royalty…caveat emptor!

Hail, Caesar!

July 24, 2011

 – – Caesar’s back, and he’s dark and seriously miffed…Caesar of the Planet of the Apes franchise, that is!  It’s been a long time since the original 1968 Charlton Heston Apes movie introduced us to what was then revolutionary special effects make-up  and the delights of Roddy McDowall as chimpanzee archaeologist Cornelius; he would later play Cornelius’ son, Caesar, in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, and later in Battle for the Planet of the Apes.  McDowall characteristically spent close to four hours in the make-up chair for each chimpanzee transformation.  Despite wearing heavy ape prosthetic appliances, McDowall was able to effectively emote his character’s personality by exaggerating his facial expressions.

In the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie headed your way in August, a scientist is experimenting on a chimpanzee named Caesar to develop a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease.  Caesar’s intelligence is greatly enhanced by the experiments, and well…you know the rest.  The CGI apes have amazingly intelligent-looking eyes, but it remains to be seen whether this new Apes movie will be more fun than a barrel of monkeys or will simply drive you bananas…

Caddy, the Alaskan Nessie?

July 22, 2011

 – – There’s a monster in Alaska…and no, I do not speak of Sarah Palin!  I even dislike the term, “monster,” for its negative connotations.  But in the North Pacific a 2009 video captures a 20- to 30-foot long unknown creature.  The footage, black and white video, was taken by fishermen on a rainy day with (- -what else?) a shaky camera.  


One eyewitness, none less than Andy Hillstrand of the Deadliest Catch reality tv show, describes the creature as a “big, long white thing moving in the water.”  Spray came out of the creature’s head, and the fishermen chased it for twenty minutes.  Described as “definitely not a shark,” the cryptid was unlike anything that the men had seen before.  

This Nessie-like aquatic animal hails from the Cadboro Bay in British Columbia, and is accordingly called “Caddy” for short.  It is further described as having a long neck, a horse-like head, large eyes, and back bumps that stick out of the water.   No newcomer, reports of such a creature have circulated for 200 years.  In 1937, scientists thought that they might have uncovered physical evidence of  Caddy when what was thought to be a sea serpent was found inside the stomach of a whale. 


Alternative identities of the sightings have made mention of the Beluga whale, an oarfish, or a ribbon fish.  In any case, be wary of large, blurry monsters running rampant on the land and seas!  And would someone with a high-definition camera please get out there?!

Car Maulings in the Carolinas!

July 20, 2011

 – – Lizard Man is again running rampant in the Carolinas, and he’s rough on cars!  This bad boy has a nasty habit of biting, ripping, and pulling apart car fenders, hood ornaments, and radio antennas.- – Try calling bite marks in to your local insurance agent!

In an incident last week in a rural area of South Carolina, owners of a car discovered that their vehicle was riddled with what appeared to be teethmarks that went completely through the car’s fender.  Similar occurrences began in 1988 when a car mauling was reported, with the front fender on a car snapped in two and other pieces of chrome torn off.  Two years ago in a case similar to the original, a van was mauled by something biting through the metal and bending the fenders. 

A teenage eyewitness in 1988 reported an encounter with a creature about seven feet tall that had red eyes and three-fingered hands;  the young man came from a responsible, respectable family, and passed a polygraph test about the incident in which the scaly cryptid ran towards him following a tire change and jumped upon his moving car before being thrown off.   He has never changed his story…

Perhaps this car-biter is suffering from a serious deficiency of iron in his diet…and should we call in the Car Fox?

A Public Service Announcement!

July 18, 2011

 – -Here at Foxsylvania, we value each and every one of our readers.  So if you go to the beach this season, we urge you to be careful!  If invited to a crab bake, first make sure that you are not on the menu.  And as always, the admonition to never attempt to eat anything larger than your refrigerator remains sound advice…

Return of the Slowskys…

July 16, 2011

 – -I have to admit that I’m not a big fan of turtles, and if I want to see something move at glacial speed, I’ll go to Walmart and play “dodge-’em” with the senior shoppers obstructing the aisles there.  The Comcast (now rebranded Xfinity) spokes-turtles, the Slowskys, have been on hiatus for a long time…but would you expect anything else from them?  We last saw the turtle couple, Karolyn and Bill, in 2009.  In the latest Xfinity spot, we learn what the leisurely-pace lovers have been doing in those intervening years…procreating! 

Well, we won’t get into the gritty mechanics of reptilian sex here, as this ain’t that kind of blog…and although he’s been a long time in coming,  offspring Stanley (aka “Bill Jr.”) is at last here, and he’s cute as a button, even boasting toys like a rubber ducky in the comfortable-appearing Slowsky home…

Strange Bedfellows?

July 14, 2011

 – – Foxes and Donald Trump make strange bedfellows, but vulpine Americans were again dragged into the commentary at a White House Correspondents’ Dinner.  In what amounted to a roast of the Donald, Seth Meyers commented that “Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head,” a reference to Mr. Trump’s signature hair style.  It’s certainly no one that I know, and I would not volunteer for the assignment myself unless I were paid most handsomely…

Mr. Trump did not appear amused during the proceedings,  and later referred to the jokes about himself as “inappropriate in certain respects…”

“Legend Quest” Coming on Syfy…

July 12, 2011

 – – For those of you interested in the kind of drek that I am, heaven help you…and you may want to give the upcoming Legend Quest series a look as it begins on the Syfy channel this July 13th at 10 P.M.  Billed as an action-adventure series, this Quest will follow Ashley Cowie, an archaeological explorer and expert in ancient symbols as he and his team travel the world in search of some of history’s greatest and most mysterious artifacts.  All of the elusive items are believed to hold hidden powers and mystical significance for ancient and modern cultures, and will include such items as King Arthur’s sword Excaliber and the Holy Grail.

Up first is a twin billing with the Ark of the Covenant and a Mayan Talking Cross featured…