Things in the Refrigerator…

Posted June 15, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, anthropomorphic, strange, television

Tags: ,

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I, for one, find the notion of articulate beings addressing me from within the confines of an egg crate disquieting.  As someone who has taken a college-level embryology course, it’s hard enough for me to eat an egg, and I certainly don’t want to converse with one, much less some kind of medieval tiny humanoid thing clad in armor emerging from the crate.  This is clearly abnormal and wrong on so many different levels…

Introduced in 2012, Sir Can-A-Lot is on a crusade to “rescue the world from routine meals.” This Is far preferable, I suppose, to joining ISIS, and the diminutive knight is polite if annoyingly enthusiastic about the SPAM product that he endorses as “glorious SPAM!”  And I thought that needed a life!

Now in my dark little mind, I would like to see this scene rewritten to resemble a memorable one in the Gremlins films where a housewife becomes a kitchen samurai when confronted by invading gremlins, using household appliances against the invaders to deadly effect .– Let’s have the lady of the house grab the little knight, throw him in the microwave, and see if he sparks! Consider also throwing him in the sink garbage disposal to see how protective that tiny suit of armor really is! With a kitchen array of food processors, blenders, and cutting knives the possibilities for home defense are both varied and entertaining.

My mind is a strange and frightening place to be, really…

Cows in a Class!

Posted June 5, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, television

 

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In a recent Dairy Pure milk commercial, an enthusiastic teacher is drilling her bovine charges on the “Five Point Promise” of the product.  Each “student” is dressed distinctly, with such accessories as eyeglasses and hair.

Apparently, chewing one’s cud is allowed in class…they’re cows, for crying out loud, what else could they do?!

When the teacher asks her students to enumerate what they know about the milk, one blond-haired cow responds, “It comes from udders,” and the rest of the cow-kids titter in repressed laughter.  Kids are the same everywhere…udders, heh, she said udders!

What I want to know is, how did this lucky teacher come to have only four students in class?  You can bet that they’re motivated, too…after all, what self-respecting young cow would want to be a milk dud, or an udder failure?  (Yes, we have no shame here…)

The Return of Colonel Sanders and the Hamburglar…

Posted May 25, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: icons, television

 

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He’s been dead for 35 years and hasn’t been seen in commercials for 20 years, so KFC’ s Colonel Sanders has some catching up to do…and as Stephen King taught us in Pet Semetery, things that are brought back from the grave come back different.  So it is that this Colonel Sanders seems somewhat hipper, even if he is bemused by things like the International Space Station and cargo pants.  Played by comedian Darrell Hammond, this incarnation of Colonel Harland Sanders is likely to adapt and prevail.

Now McDonald’s new “Hamburglar” is a stranger piece of work, portrayed as a rather creepy looking adult who you probably wouldn’t want to see lurking around your neighborhood.  Everything old is new again as fast food purveyors try to redefine their icons and reconnect with a new generation…

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Burger King Chicken Fries “Pregnant” Commercial…

Posted May 19, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, feathered friends, stupid, television

 

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Some things are so bad that they’re almost good…either that, or I’m a glutton for punishment!  It is into this category that I cast the hokey Burger King commercial for chicken fries in which a young hen and a box of french fries sit in a comfy living room, where the hen informs her parents on the adjoining couch that she and french fries are pregnant, and going to have chicken fries!  As we the viewers probably face-palm, the mother hen goes into a flurry of frenzied wing-flapping while her rooster father admonishes everyone to “Calm down!”  From the doorway a sibling of indeterminate sex comments, “Again?”  Unwanted chicken pregnancies are a national shame that we all pay the price for. – – Thanks, Obama!

The commercial pushes the envelope of silliness and stupidity, and lacks the creepiness factor of the Burger King monarch himself, who I would love to see in a death match competition with Ronald McDonald, Wendy, and the KFC Colonel…

 

Bigfoot of Ashe County: AIMS Erupts…

Posted April 27, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anomalies, anthropomorphic, controversial, furry, paranormal, speculation, television, unexplained

Tags: , ,

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Well, it was Round Two with the infamous Cherokee Devil on the S3/Ep08 installment of Mountain Monsters. The AIMS team met with “Aaron,” a supposed Bigfoot expert who maintained that there had been 12 sightings of the Cherokee Devil in the past 3-1/2 years, following which encounters seven of the people involved had simply disappeared! For the Devil to manifest himself, the witness has to be alone.

As team members Buck (pictured) and Huck had experienced previous encounters detailed in the last episode, they decided to venture out at night themselves without the knowledge or approval of the rest of the team. Heading to the shack in the woods where Buck had earlier supposedly been stashed by the creature, they found backwards writing on the walls, and heard scratching sounds. Team leader Trapper was not pleased to hear of their exploits the next day, and the assembled group returned to the shack, almost failing to find it as it had been camouflaged, presumably by the Devil. A spooky dude appeared outside of the shack who made the team members appear eloquent by comparison, and it was ventured that he was one of the seven who had seen the creature and completely disappeared. He did exactly that while the team was checking out reversed writing on the rear of the shed, so there wasn’t much character development there.

Well, the master plan was to use Buck as bait, placing him in a protective cage on the bridge trap that had been constructed but unused during the previous episode. Buck however took it upon himself to sneak out undetected late at night to go one-on-one with the Devil, who he felt would not appear if the trap was set, being that the Devil could read minds and all. The episode was reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project as Buck went first to the shack and then to the bridge trap by his lonesome, all the while thoughtfully video-journaling his thoughts for our convenience…


As the youngest member of the AIMS team sat alone on the bridge trap, the Cherokee Devil apparently manifested itself to him, although we in the viewing audience saw nothing; this is a low-budget show, after all. Buck was apparently able to drive the beastie off by uttering the Cherokee word for “leave,” a trick apparently communicated to him by the little Cherokee girl whose ghostly presence had been perceived in association with the Devil. – – Wasn’t that convenient?!

 

Chupacabra and the Kraken on “True Supernatural”

Posted April 24, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, aquatic, controversial, cryptozoology, speculation, television, unexplained

Tags: , ,

 

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Both the Chupacabra and the Kraken have been considered at other times on several similar shows, but like old friends (I have strange associates) it was good to visit them again on S1/Ep2 of True Supernatural (2014).

Information on the Chupacabra focused on appearances in and around Cuero, Texas. Specimens acquired in this region have leathery, hairless skin, strange paws on which the middle digits are somewhat attached, blue eyes, and apparently strange nodules on the rear end. The creature moves unusually, and may have only two nipples on a side. Unlike Mountain Monsters, the True Supernatural show tends to interview actual scientists, university researchers, and also more credible eyewitnesses.

Three reputed Chupacabra corpses were at hand, one of which was from Dr. Phyllis Canion, who lost 28 chickens on her ranch to the mysterious predator. From the three specimens, samples were sent to an animal genetics lab at the Texas A & M University, where analyses were run on bone, skin, and teeth that yielded conflicted results. One specimen was identifiably canine, the other a coyote-dog hybrid, and Dr. Canion’s was a coyote/Mexican wolf hybrid. Normally these two species don’t breed, and the Mexican wolf hasn’t been seen in the area for 80 years. Speculation ranges from the conspiracy crazy…that Chupacabra was a living weapon created by the government…to the more reasonable, that Chupacabra represented a form of spontaneous evolution…

Now in Berlin, Nevada a site has the fossilized remains of nine Ichthyosaurs, apex predators that were rather like the killer whales of their Triassic day. What is curious is that these remains all show broken necks and ribs, with their skeletons twisted and seemingly arranged. The inference was given that these bad boys were themselves bested by something even badder, namely the legendary Kraken! Cephalopods are known to construct fort-like structures and to be far more intelligent than we usually give them credit for being. The scenario was presented that when oceans covered the area, a Kraken lured these mighty Ichthyosaurs into its lair, killed them, played with their remains, and then arranged the vertebral columns in a fashion which may have mimicked the array of suckers on its tentacles. Wild stuff…and as invertebrates tend not to leave much of a fossil record, we do not of course have proof of a Kraken other than sailor accounts from an earlier century.

As the great Fox Mulder would agree, the truth is out there. Cue the X-Files theme music, please…and release the Kraken!

Mercedes-Benz “Fable” Commercial…

Posted April 22, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, television

 

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I love to see classic fables revisited, and Mercedes-Benz has a winner in this one!  You know the story; the overly-confident hare challenges the stalwart tortoise to a race, in this version calling him a “turtle” and taunting that he better have a jet pack under his shell!

This bunny-boy is an arrogant jock of a type I’m well familiar with from high school; “Bask in my glory!,” the hare tells an adoring crowd.  Then the race begins (with a fox referee, please note), and the hare is off in a cloud of dust while the tortoise plods on, even being passed by a snail!  So great is his lead that the hare feels he has time for a few hands of cards with other woodland animals over a tree stump.  Meanwhile, the tortoise uses that time to turn into a Mercedes-Benz factory.  “Plot twist!,” he announces.  A magnificent Mercedes is shown; “Slow and steady, my a**,” comments the tortoise, his last word drowned out by a throaty engine growl.  The headlights of the Mercedes flare on like an angry beast…

All too late does the hare see the tortoise coming, the vehicle vaulting over him as he frantically tries to pull away from its approach.  “Who’s your turtle?!,” he exults. The victory of the tortoise is glorious!  Such is the power, you see, of German engineering…

Bigfoot of Ashe County: AIMS Under Attack!

Posted April 21, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: anthropomorphic, controversial, cryptozoology, paranormal, strange happenings, television, unexplained, unidentified

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The S3/Ep07 of Mountain Monsters was a strange business indeed, getting into the Cherokee Devil, a kind of Bigfoot with alleged mind-control abilities.  Like a Jedi Master of Star Wars fame manipulating the mind of an Imperial Storm Trooper, this Bigfoot we’re asked to believe used his powers of mental dominance to befuddle and manipulate two members of the investigative team of “West Virginian Sons.” Clearly, he wasn’t the droid that they were looking for…

Now this Bigfoot from North Carolina was first spotted in the 1600’s, stands a whopping 8-1/2 to 10 feet tall, weighs in at about 800 lbs., is black to gray in color, and has prominent eyes.  Interdispersed with the usual coarse and questionable humor, the team first interviewed a furniture maker called “Liz” who spotted the creature and was mentally dominated by him, loosing four hours of time when she regained conscious awareness in a different location later.  

On the first night’s investigation, the team found “Honeysuckle Domes,” nests of sorts used by the creature.  They heard something large in front of them, and when team member “Buck” led the way, he vanished and was found later sitting down in a broken down shack in a kind of trance state.  “He told me not to move,” muttered Buck about his encounter.  The team took Buck to a safe location, where he later said he was sick and confused, sleeping badly that night.  The next day, Buck related that the Cherokee Devil Bigfoot had pulled him by the elbow and tossed him in the shack, showing team members some nasty bruises on his left upper arm and shoulder. Buck also maintained that he saw a Cherokee girl appearing with the Bigfoot.

The team believed that Bigfoot was trying to hide something in the woods, later finding a totem pole type object.  “Huckleberry” then fell, becoming agitated and then zoning out when he got up.  They bundled Huckleberry away in their truck, where he muttered spooky things like “It doesn’t matter,” and “I know who’s gonna die.”  When leaving the spaced-out Huckleberry alone in the truck for a few moments, he wandered off…

…Buck had rejoined the team by then, and in searching for Huckleberry claimed that he had seen the mysterious Cherokee girl again.  The team sought out the totem pole that they had found previously for answers, but found it was missing!  A short while later they heard Huckleberry scream, and found the rascal nearly naked and muddy (not a pretty sight) holding the totem pole. Tackling him in a body of water, the shock of that seemed to restore him while doing nothing to enhance his appearance. 

With enough freakiness for then, team leader Trapper decided to pull the team out, regroup, and come back again another time.  Such repeat encounters usually don’t go well either, and are equally unrevealing.  The season finale is upcoming for those of stout hearts and strong stomachs…groan!

 

Hannah and Her Horse…

Posted April 19, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, television

Tags:

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As a diehard Mr. Ed fan, I’m glad to see talking horses on the small screen again! Fashion model Hannah Davis is shown on a pristine beach, together with a magnificent white horse.  Making her pitch for DirecTV services, the horse soon chimes in with his agreement, revealing that he not only talks, but sings a bit as well. Hannah and her Horse replaces the Rob Lowe spokesman after compaints were made that his spots were misleading. 

A horse is a horse, of course, of course…but it’s hard to beat anthropomorphic talking ones who can also improvise a tune!

The Geico Chicken…”It’s What You Do…”

Posted April 15, 2015 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, Brilliant but twisted, feathered friends, furry, furry commercials, television

Tags:

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Dang, this chicken leads a more adventurous life than I do!  A  free-range chicken is shown riding the rails, traveling shotgun with a trucker, enjoying a campfire gathering, and sitting at a diner counter while observing egg platters being served…that’s gotta be awkward! – – Ahh, the lure of the open road, to be footloose and fancy free!  All the while, said chicken manages to send pictures of her exploits to a worn-looking farm couple, her former owners…

…it’s what she does…after all, she’s a free-range chicken, doing what she’s called to do!  The sweeping melody of “Ride Away” by Roy Orbison accompanies the Geico commercial, and I’d love to log a few miles with this bird!