CarFax “Mole” Commercial…

Posted May 6, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, television
Tags:

carfax mole

Foxes are stealthy, and in our secret underground lairs, we track...many things.  What we track is on a “need to know” basis, but we will share that one of the things we track are accidents.  So when a balding middle-aged man makes a request in a new commercial released in April to see the CarFax, the floor beneath him opens up, and he is spirited via a tunnel to arrive in the presence of that great and secret control center, still seated in his easy chair.  The Car Fox himself appears before him, but we see that he has a number of able assistants, all vulpine, seated at a number of computer terminals that monitor and regulate operations.  The underground operations center is truly impressive, looking efficiently high tech, just like one of those command centers operated by Blofeld or one of the Bond villains.  They were, of course, mere amateurs by comparison…

The casually-attired Car Fox answers the human’s questions, only because it amuses him to do so.  We are made privy to the information that the foxes employ moles to dig up facts, and we are shown one of these moles gathering information with binoculars.  The moles are simply operatives, of course…foxes are the real brains of the operation.  In a different commercial, opossums are shown to gather service information on a vehicle.  One can never have too much information…empires are won and lost over such matters.

The Car Fox has evolved greatly since his humble beginnings as a simple puppet on the hand of an unscrupulous salesman.  But you can rest assured that your fox overlords only have your best interests at heart.  After all, we live to serve…(wink, wink!)

Comments: 3 Comments

Fire Dragon of Pocahontas County…

Posted May 3, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anomalies, cryptozoology, furry, mysteries, scalies, television
Tags: , ,

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West Virginia seems to have more than its fair share of monsters, all of which are elusive. Following their by now familiar formula, in S2/Ep05 the “hardcore hunters and trappers” crew of Mountain Monsters” went in pursuit of a reptilian creature said to be 10 to 12 feet long and weighing in at about 1,000 lbs. The reptilian is drawn by heat, and can frequent the water as well as dry land, using waterways to get around.

Reports of the fire dragon go back to the 1920’s, when it was spotted by train conductors and even said to have attacked old steam engines. The Mountain Monsters crew first interviewed an eyewitness, “Bub,” who while fishing caught a glimpse of something with a big mouth and red eyes which stood up on its hind legs. During the first night’s investigation, the crew saw fecal droppings, thought they heard the creature, and saw fresh water marks left by something. Hearing shots, the crew encountered an area resident, “Chester,” who claimed that the creature knocked the chimney off his cabin in pursuit of heat; claw marks were seen.

The team then constructed a drop-door water trap in which they would later use a floating fire pit as a lure for the creature. Two fisherman were then interviewed whose boat was rammed on the Cranberry River; punctures and battering damage to the boat’s hull was examined. A hunter, “Grizz,” presented a video he took that showed a brief image of something matching the dragon’s description seen in the distance of the footage.

On their final night’s hunt, the team split and tried to drive the creature off land and into water towards their trap. They found a trail from an area where it had apparently bedded down as well as a hibernation hole into which a member of the crew fell.  A thermal image was seen on a brush pile, and while closing on it the team ran across two individuals on a four wheeler fleeing from their camp which something had destroyed. Concluding that the dragon had reached water, the team went downstream by land and water in the direction of their trap, arriving to find it torn apart and ablaze. They concluded that the fire dragon had been so energized by the fire near and upon the trap that he was able take out the side of it and escape. The fire dragon was pronounced to be “one bad-ass monster.“

In next week’s episode, the Mountain Monsters crew will go in pursuit of “Sheepsquatch.”  I think we can all imagine how that’s going to go…

 

Comments: 3 Comments

Godzilla Resurrection!

Posted April 28, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, creature features, famous furries, furry, furry heroes, movies, scalies, sci fi
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I have a confession to make; I’ve always loved Godzilla, ever since the days that he appeared in badly-dubbed Japanese movies and was obviously played by someone in a rubber suit!  Godzilla fans have endured a variety of outrages over the years, including a series of increasingly lame and outrageous adversaries (e.g., the “Smog Monster”), bad storylines, and even alteration of the character’s gender. The last major studio film treatment in 1998 portrayed Godzilla as an iguana-like creature, focused on a human love story, and was almost universally hated by fans.  It appeared that Godzilla might have fallen to bad treatment rather than an oxygen destroyer, but we who believe have maintained our faith.

The upcoming reboot of the Godzilla franchise by Gareth Edwards promises to take Godzilla back to his 1954 roots.  Co-produced by Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. under license from Toho, the new movie will be live action while Godzilla will be computer-generated.  Unlike the 1998 film, Godzilla will again fight several monsters rather than just the military.  The opponent monsters, referred to as “mutos,” will fly and be multi-limbed.  Godzilla himself will stand 350′ tall, the biggest incarnation ever.

The plot should delight conspiracy theorists.  It seems that Godzilla’s existence has been covered up by the U.S. government (like aliens, ‘ya know), and nuclear tests of the 1950’s were actually attempts to kill the creature.  Godzilla’s face is supposedly modeled on elements of features of bears, dogs, and eagles.  The big guy’s fighting style is based on that of bears and komodo dragons.  His roar is the original one pioneered by Toho, with improvements and enhancements.

Godzilla is conceived as “a terrifying force of nature,” and his kung fu should be the best.  He’ll be stomping his way into theaters this May, hopefully a monster for our times…

 

 

Comments: 3 Comments

Werewolf of Webster County…

Posted April 26, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anomalies, anthropomorphic, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained, unidentified
Tags: ,

wpid-1398476464326.jpg – – When a werewolf is matched against armed West Virginian “Mountain Monsters” hunters, my money is on the werewolf!  In S2/Ep/04, the Mountain Monsters crew went in search of the Webster County werewolf in West Virginia, a creature over seven feet tall and weighing over 400 pounds with yellow eyes who is most active during the full moon. The legend of the werewolf dates back to 1770, when some Native Americans were killed along a Shawnee game trail, their chief supposedly reincarnated as a werewolf. Notably, wolves are not indigenous to West Virginia.

Following the show’s formula, the team then interviewed an eyewitness, a trapper named “Boone” who reported seeing a wolf with glowing neon-like eyes standing seven to eight feet tall on his hind legs. On their first night’s hunt, the crew saw thermal impressions on the ground, heard a howl, and thought that the creature had a deadfall trap set for them! They saw a second thermal image on a rock that appeared to be the shape of a large wolf. Approaching the rock sighted, apparent claw marks were seen on it. The rock was pronounced the werewolf’s “howling rock.”

The crew then prepared a rock pit trap, a deadfall-type trap with a two-ton slab of rock poised to fall over it. Then came the most scary moment of the show; the team leader, “Trapper,” extracted a tooth that was paining him using a pair of pliers! I swear that I am not making this up! Prior to this point, he had been self-medicating for a toothache with moonshine. Apparently, dentistry is more feared among this group than unidentified monsters. Gap-toothed grins in several of the members testify to this.

An interview then followed with “Hank,” a land owner who shared a video he had taken while driving past an upright, black-furred creature. Also interviewed was “Gunner,” a hunter who presented a picture of a huge black wolf taken by a trail camera.

On the final night’s hunt, the trap was baited with chicken, and the team split into two groups, hoping to drive the werewolf from opposite directions along the Shawnee game trail into the trap. One group found a bedding area apparently used by the beast that was littered with cattle bones. The other group caught a sighting of eyes in the near distance and the usual gun-waving and confusion ensued, one of the team in the excitement even managing to fall from a tree perch…but don’t despair, he only had the wind knocked out of him!

Converging and meeting by their trap, the investigators discovered…gasp…that the trap had been sprung, but that the prey had dug himself out, apparently dislodging the two-ton rock slab cover in the process! “We outsmarted him, but we underestimated his strength,” concluded the team leader. Once again, a magnificent werewolf has emerged unscathed, and may he ever confound his unworthy pursuers! – – I just love happy endings, don’t you?

 

Comments: 5 Comments

Rocket Raccoon Explodes Onto The Big Screen!

Posted April 22, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: aliens, animal presence, anthropomorphic, furry, furry heroes, movies, sci fi
Tags: ,

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Raccoons are kind of bad boys in the furry community; you might want to watch your wallet and your sister around one. While they are rascals, raccoons do seem to get the job done, and they’re good to have on your side, even if they don’t always take the high road.  For this reason, it’s only a slight stretch to see a raccoon as a kind of deviant action hero, and Rocket Raccoon fits that bill perfectly.

With his name supposedly inspired by the Beatles song Rocky Raccoon, Rocket Raccoon is for my money the most captivating character in the Guardians of the Galaxy team, a more obscure Marvel property certain to gain fans following release this August of the movie by the same name.

The Rocket Raccoon character debuted in 1976; his backstory is too complex and lengthy to go into here, but suffice it to say that he is an anthropomorphic bipedal raccoon who is an accomplished starship pilot, a master tactician, and an expert marksman who prefers really large guns!  He has anger management issues, and a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder…but what raccoon doesn’t wash their paws often? Voiced in the movie by actor Bradley Cooper, the CGI Rocket is in part modeled after movements of a real-life raccoon called Oreo. Muscle for Rocket is provided by a tree-creature named Groot, voiced by none other than Vin Diesel.

One of a ragtag team of intergalactic aliens, Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy promises to be a breakout furry character…

 

 

Comments: 2 Comments

The Yahoo of Nicholas County…

Posted April 21, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal occurrences, animals, anthropomorphic, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained, unidentified
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Yahoo does not always refer to a web site or a numbskull, but also to a large, bigfoot-like creature known as “the Yahoo” which frequents Nicholas County in West Virginia.  Standing seven to eight feet and weighing 800 to 1,200 pounds, first sightings of the Yahoo occurred in the mid-1800’s by lumberjacks.  What distinguishes the Yahoo from other Bigfoot variants is the cry or scream by which it is named.

Operating with the thought that it takes a hillbilly to catch a hillbilly, the Mountain Monsters crew of “hardcore hunters and trappers” went in pursuit of the Yahoo, first interviewing a local eyewitness called “Possum,” who reported seeing a black-furred creature with broad shoulders and huge eyes that screamed at him.  On the first night of their investigation, the crew saw an image on their thermal camera, as well as footprints spaced so as to indicate a 7′ – 8′ stride. 

The following day, a pitfall trap was constructed, and the team interviewed “Fish,” a farmer who witnessed the creature, heard his cry, and caught a partial image of it on a video camera.  Another eyewitness, Jarvis (- -yes!  An eyewitness with a normal name!) saw a 20″ footprint, and caught a dark image of the creature on a trail camera.  Jarvis thought that there was more than one Yahoo, and that they were essentially a family group. 

On the final night hunt, the crew baited their trap with pawpaws (native apples), and found tracks 10″ wide in a stream. From the differing characteristics of the tracks, it was felt that three distinct individuals were represented.  A cry was heard, following which time the crew found themselves pinned down in a ravine and essentially surrounded on at least two sides by the unseen but close by Yahoos, who manifested both their presence and displeasure by knocking small trees down towards their hillbilly pursuers.

Guns were waved about and camera angles became bouncy at this point, but in the general confusion the crew made it back to their trap which they found to have been destroyed by a tree about 60′ long that had been cast upon it.  This final revelation suggested further that the Yahoo creatures live and work in a family unit, and are capable of coordinating their efforts.

Once again confounded, the Mountain Monsters men seem unable to catch anything to date, except perhaps ratings…

Comments: 2 Comments

Grafton Monster of Taylor County…

Posted April 19, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anomalies, anthropomorphic, controversial, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained, unidentified
Tags: , ,

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As featured in a recent episode of Mountain Monsters (S2/Ep02), the Grafton Monster of Grafton, West Virginia is a large, powerful, and elusive cryptid standing seven to eight feet tall and weighing in excess of 1,000 pounds.  Sometimes called The Headless Horror because its head drops to its shoulders and is accordingly invisible from some angles, sightings of the creature date back to the 1950’s with numerous sightings reported in the 1960’s.

The Mountain Monsters crew went in pursuit of the beast, interviewing three colorful local eyewitnesses. The first one, “Wolfie,” shared a video supposedly taken of the monster in the woods. During their first night’s investigation, the crew saw thermal images on their camera, and found disgusting and malodorous calf afterbirth on a deer hunting stand where the beast had apparently consumed a newborn calf.

The next day, the crew constructed a timber box trap that one member pronounced “slicker than socks on a rooster;” these are not exactly Rhodes scholars. They interviewed a local hunter, Dale, who described a large and wide trail that he had found, and also shared a plaster cast of a large, clawed, inhuman footprint. An image of something hunched over was also partially visible on a photograph the hunter presented.

The third eyewitness, “Doc,” discussed a sighting of something that he was certain wasn’t a deer or a bear; distant audible growling was heard during the interview, promoting the crew to give “Doc” safe passage home.

By the final night, the Mountain Monsters crew had baited their trap with (yuck) cow afterbirth, and went stalking the creature. They again had thermal images, and found deer blood and remains atop a water tank; pursuing on foot, the crew found additional pools of deer blood, and a footprint. Feeling outdistanced, they then took to an off-road vehicle, and went back to their trap, which was unsprung, but had the bait taken. Blood on the top of the cage suggested that their quarry had consumed it there, almost as if mocking them. Growls were heard in the background as the hunted had once again outwitted the hunters…

 

Comments: 2 Comments

Kentucky Hellhound of Pike County…

Posted April 17, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained, unidentified
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The Mountain Men are a group of paranormal and cryptid investigators from West Virginia who look more like surplus cast members from Duck Dynasty or perhaps a ZZ Top concert; they’re mostly older, bearded guys whose appearance might cause the neighborhood watch captain to sound an alert; no designer clothing here, but plenty of flannels and camo gear. They sport names like “Buck” (Rookie), “Huckleberry” (Security), “Trapper” (Team Leader), “Wild Bill” (Expert Trapper), Jeff (Researcher), and “Willy”(Trap Builder).  They have a show called Mountain Monsters on the Destination America channel.

Other series like Monsters and Mysteries in America have done episodes on hellhounds, and in a recent episode of Mountain Monsters (S2/Ep 01), the Mountain Men went in quest of one in Kentucky. The hellhound in question was a dark-colored, nocturnal canid about 4′ tall and about 7′ long thought to weigh in the ballpark of 400-500 pounds which was preying on cattle in Pike County, Kentucky.  First sightings of the creature occurred in 1939, with moonshiners reporting quite a few sightings in the 1940’s; after drinking some “shine,” I imagine you can see all kinds of things.  A $200 bounty has been standing for a hellhound since that time.

Well, a cattle farmer showed the Mountain Men a ripped-up calf supposedly victimized by the hellhound, and during the first evening of a night investigation, the team found a “kill area” apparently used by the beast with cattle bones strewn about.  The next day, the team built a drop cage trap for the beast made of bamboo so as to have no odor.  A second farmer showed the team a video supposedly of the beast, and a pawprint measuring 7-1/2 – 8″ was found in a field.  It was speculated that the creature was moving from farm to farm through cornfields, coming close to human habitations in the process, and feeding on cattle.

Using hog shoulders as bait, the team in a subsequent evening tried to flush the creature into their trap; growling was repeatedly heard, and a large shadow was seen moving through a greenhouse. There followed much confusion, waving of rifles about, and comments such as “sonna bitch moved right past me!”  It would seem that the wily beast ran past the armed men in the opposite direction of their trap. They resolved that they would return in the future and get the hellhound…

…but I rather suspect than they’re going to be outwitted then, too…and I’m rooting for the ‘hound!  He’s really quite awesome, in a feral kinda way…and he can totally take these guys!

“And whosoever shall be found/Without the soul for getting down/Must stand and face the hounds of hell/And rot inside a corpse’s shell…”  – – Vincent Price, from Michael Jackson’sThriller

 

Comments: 4 Comments

The Elephant Auto Insurance Commercial…

Posted April 16, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, television
Tags: ,

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I feel mildly uncomfortable with the Elephant Auto Insurance pachyderm, simply because he seems so…Republican!   Clad in a conservative dark suit with a blue tie, I almost expect him to bring Mitt Romney out of a back room, or begin advocating trickle-down economics and tax cuts for the wealthy.  Fortunately the elephant doesn’t do any of that although he does own a business, announcing himself as the founder of the company bearing his name.  

Although the elephant is another CGI marvel, there’s nothing overly clever or memorable about the scripting, dialogue, or action in this commercial, other than a reference to the proverbial elephant memory.  While there’s room for more than one animal spokesperson in the commercial business, the venerable Geico gecko, Maxwell the pig, or the hump-day camel don’t presently need to worry about this guy upstaging them…

Comments: 2 Comments

Aliens and Dinosaurs?!

Posted April 12, 2014 by vulpesffb
Categories: aliens, controversial, fantasy, furry, speculation
Tags: ,

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Pseudoscience seldom gets stranger than when it postulates interactions between aliens and dinosaurs, so hang on, folks, ’cause we’re off to the races!  The viewpoints represented here are as drawn from the Ancient Aliens series, and I hasten to add that such viewpoints do not necessarily represent my own, I do, however, find them entertaining, as I do most science fiction and horror fantasies.

Oddball archaeology and paleontology findings are drawn upon to support the notion that not all dinosaurs suffered a mass extinction about 65 million years ago, with some surviving to be known by ancient humans including the Mayans. The fabled ruined city of Angkor Wat in Northern Cambodia, for example, shows in one relief carving (above) what appears to be a stegosaurus. The carving is not of fossilized skeletal remains, but rather of a fleshed-out, living specimen.  In Dinosaur Valley State Park in Texas, human footprints were found alongside dinosaur tracks in the same strata layer.  A collection of carved stones was also found in 1961 in Peru that supposedly depicts dinosaur-human encounters.  

Then in contrast to the notion of dinosaurs surviving into the age of man, the same episode presented the idea that perhaps extraterrestrials directed that infamous asteroid to the Yucatan Peninsula, making the dino demise not an extinction but an extermination event.  Aliens, it was wildly speculated, wanted giant reptiles out of the way so that they could then seed the Earth with smaller creatures generated by their otherworldly genetic manipulations which would in turn lead to humans. If you don’t buy the notion of an asteroid impact triggering global climatic changes too extreme for saurian life, you may wish to consider the alternate proposal advanced that the aliens deployed a nuclear weapon, as iridium has been found in sediment layer from 65 million years ago. 

We thank you for joining us on this flight of fantasy.  Please return your seat backs to their upright position, and thank you for flying Foxsylvania!

 

Comments: 2 Comments

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