Lactaid’s “Karate Cow” Commercial

Posted June 8, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, animal spokepersons, anthropomorphic, furry commercials, television

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She’s back, and she’s udderly wonderful…the Lactaid’s “mess with you” lactose cow for the lactose-intolerant, that is!  

Our scene begins with a couple eating ice cream in a dimly-lit living room.  From out of nowhere, we hear a martial arts cry. — Why, it’s the Lactose Cow ready to mess with the lactose-intolerant!  She strikes a pose, and then there is a flurry of flailing and karate-chopping hooves as she advances dramatically to the ice cream eaters on the couch.  “Right…in…your…STOMACH!,” the cow announces as the guy visibly recoils.  But alas, the cow is unable to resist a bit of showmanship.  “Watch this!,” she declares as she launches into a vaulting maneuver, at the exact second that the Lactaid Cow opens the French doors, sending the charged up bovine tumbling outside.  Once again, she was unable to mess with the lactose intolerant; pity!  

Now I think that this energetic cow might be the ideal running mate for Hillary Clinton.  She’d bring excitement and charisma to Hillary’s campaign, and could settle Donald Trump’s hash.  We’d have a furry a heartbeat away from the presidency…works for me! 

The Lactaid Cow in, “Annoying Milk”

Posted June 1, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, animal spokepersons, animals, anthropomorphic, Brilliant but twisted, furry commercials, television

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Anthropomorphic cows  so seldom appear in commercials that I’m glad to see one make an appearance, especially when they are a bit crazed.  In a recent Lactaid commercial, we are treated to an all too brief appearance from the Lactaid Cow’s deviant sister, Lactose Cow.

Now the Lactaid Cow is a beautiful blue and white creature, and as sweet as pie; she’s lovely, and I have nothing against her.    Her “annoying milk” alter ego, as pictured above, is black and white and quite hyper, full of energy and questions that she fires off in rapid fashion at her human company.  These are questions such as, “Why do people have eyebrows?  And why do they put milk on their cereal?  Are you reading about why people put milk on their cereal right now? And why does your stomach go, ‘rumbly, rumbly, rumbly?’”  Unfortunately at that moment, this marvelous creature is lassoed and hauled off by the Lactaid Cow, who takes her place and won’t give the lactose-intolerant anything but serenity and dietary support; she won’t “mess with you.”  

Well and good, but where others see annoyance, I see opportunity.  This so-called annoying milk cow would fit in with Warner Bros. creations, and could make a wonderfully demented childrens’ show host, kind of like Pee-Wee Herman in cowhide.  She just needs the proper vehicle to propel her to stardom, and they don’t need to change a thing about her!  Heck, give her a sitcom, called something like “My Neighbor the Cow” or “The Cow that Came To Dinner”( wait, scratch that second one)!  Anyways, I’d pull up a chair to watch this bovine comedian.  I hope we haven’t seen the last of her, ’cause this cow’s no milk dud…the Lactaid Cow may have your back, but her twisted sister’s got my funnybone…

Progressive’s Flo Meets the Kool-Aid Man…

Posted May 29, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, anomalies, anthropomorphic, Brilliant but twisted, television

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I, for one, have always found the Kool-Aid Man vaguely disturbing. I mean, if you’re not even safe in your own home or at a gathering from having your walls battered down by an enormous pitcher of red fruit drink who accompanies his wanton mayhem with a cry of “Oh, yeah,” where are you safe?  He even stands there inexplicably grinning afterward, as if massive property damage was somehow amusing.  Let others worry about Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, I’m far more concerned about home invasions by product icons…

I suppose, however, that an enormous anthropomorphic pitcher of fruit drink fits right in with the surreal universe inhabited by Progressive Insurance’s Flo.  The Kool-Aid Man is portrayed, after all, as a next-door neighbor type who just happens to enter through walls rather than doorways.  Ever the perky Pollyanna, Flo tries to put a positive spin on things by pointing out to her neighbor how fortunate she is to have tied her homeowners and other insurance together through Progressive so as to maximize savings.  Flo walks among us, but is not really one of us. While also disturbing, she at least does not walk through walls.  In his favor, perhaps, is the fact that the Kool-Aid Man has a far more limited vocabulary, and never blathers about insurance, which is never my favorite topic of conversation.  Now product icons seldom fight among themselves; they presumably belong to the same union.  In a fight, however, Flo might possibly hold the Kool-Aid guy at bay with her “set your own price” gun.  With her omnipresent white garb, I suspect that Flo is actually some kind of annoying deity.

Still, unanswered questions remain.  Why does the Kool-Aid Man sport only four fingers on each hand?  Is he some kind of yet unidentifiable life form, or might there be an alien connection?  Did the Reptilians breed the Kool-Aid Man just to torment us, or is he some kind of trans-dimensional being?  Might Flo actually be the alien overlord, and the Kool-Aid guy her unspeakable experiment?  There are many possibilities here, none of them good.  I leave it to far greater minds than mine to ponder such things.  I am, after all, but a secret government experiment on a woodland creature gone terribly awry.

Perhaps the Mountain Monsters guys could be put on the trail of this one.  They might find him easier to catch than Bigfoot…

 

Camping with Flo’s Family…

Posted May 6, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: Off-topic, television, Uncategorized

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I’d probably feel strangely at home with the commercial family of Flo from Progressive Insurance; there’s not a normal person among them.  Take sister Janice, for example; she’s so bored camping that (in her own words) she’s dead!  Who among us has not shared that sentiment at a family gathering, at least some of the time?  Then there’s Mom, as cheerfully upbeat as always.  She thinks camping with the family (“Fampling”) is the greatest thing since S’mores! Grandpa is swatting bugs and trying to enjoy peace and quiet; that doesn’t mean talking, and disappointing him more!  Flo’s brother and sister are tormenting one another (“I hate it wherever you are!”) while Dad appears too liberal with lighting fluid at the grill.  

Flo as usual is surreal in her spotless and wrinkle-free white uniform that she wears everywhere, complete with name tag, ever a fish out of water as she babbles about insurance…and by the way, it takes an hour to do Flo’s retro hairstyle for these commercials, and another hour to apply her make-up.  Beauty is hard work, apparently…

“Penny Dreadful” Returns…

Posted May 1, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: anthropomorphic, furry, furry horror, furry literature, television

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After a long hiatus, John Logan’s Penny Dreadful is returning for a third season on Showtime May 1st.  The superbly well-written and handsomely mounted dark horror show features a killer cast (heh, in more ways than one!), and is set in a gloriously gritty, richly atmospheric 19th century English setting.  In the series, classic Victorian literary characters (Victor Frankenstein and his creations, for example) meet Gothic horror conventions, and it’s all bloody good fun!

Mention of the series occurs here because there is a compelling werewolf character, Ethan Chandler as played by Josh Hartnett.  Now poor Ethan is an American expatriate in London who is being pursued both by Scotland Yard and American bounty hunters, but when his back is up against the wall or a colleague is in danger pulls off a werewolf transformation, and lays the baddies out right proper.  Ethan in the new season has finally been captured and is being dragged back to the American southwest, but likely will again use his powers to devastating effect. Tortured and conflicted, we learned in the past season that Ethan is actually the disguised Lawrence Talbot, none other than the Wolfman

The powerhouse ensemble cast includes Timothy Dalton as Sir Malcolm, and Eva Green as powerful medium and witch Vanessa Ives…and this season, Dr. Henry Jekyll will be coming around to help Victor Frankenstein (Harry Treadaway) with his drug addiction problem.  This is horror with a pedigree and a college education…

AIMS versus the Rogue Team…

Posted April 20, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animal elements, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained

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The S4/Ep13 installment of Mountain Monsters had little of monsters in it, but rather more of a backwoods feud atmosphere as the clash between the AIMS and the “Rogue Team” further spun out.  Having returned to the “Little Red Shed” of the Cherokee Devil encounter in Ashe County, North Carolina our protagonists (?) discovered that six envelopes had been placed within there that bore the real names of each of the AIMS team members.  More disturbingly, within each of the envelopes was found pictures of the individual named, together with confidential information on details of their private lives, such as their real life addresses, credit histories, military records, etc. Each folder also contained a cryptic card with a letter and number on it.

As this was a bit on the creepy side, the AIMS team members returned to West Virginia to see convalescing team leader Trapper, and it was determined that the letters on the cards spelled “shot by,” a reference to the supposed shooting of the Stonish Giant by the Rogue Team in a previous episode.  Other picture clues within the envelopes were thought to reference an older Wildman episode, so the team then headed to eastern Kentucky where that encounter had taken place.  At the “Tool Shed” location where that encounter had taken place, the team found more cards pinned to a dart board.  Car lights were then discerned surrounding the shed, and storming out of the shed with weapons drawn the team found that the vehicles were empty, but belonged to themselves and had been stolen and driven to that location by the “Rogue Team!”  Thinking that a distraction, the AIMS  team hurried to where Buck’s truck had been parked.  The photo trap camera battery in the truck bed constructed by team member Willy and housed in a box that resembled an old crate had captured partial photo images, presumably of the rascally Rogues.  A phone left in the truck then rang, and when answered played an audio loop with a recorded conversation captured of AIMS team members from the supposed shooting of the Stonish Giant Bigfoot by the Rogue Team, who were thought to have absconded with the creature’s body at that time.

Returning again to their West Virginia base and Trapper, the team discerned that the newest cards picked up in Kentucky spelled CQUAD, which was thought to be the name of the Rogue Team.  It was admitted that this group was pretty slick and had high tech skills which they were using to shadow and mock the AIMS team in kind of a cat-and-mouse game.  The intent and purpose of this was essentially to exploit the tracking skills of the AIMS team by following them stealthily at a distance and then essentially claiming their prize.  When the letters collected thus far were arranged yet a different way, they spelled “Squatch body.”  Using the numbers in order on each of the cards that spelled such, it was deduced that they represented a phone number.  Calling that number on the cell phone left in Buck’s truck resulted in a guttural, electronically-altered voice answering,  “Hello Trapper, we’ve been waiting for you.  Are you ready to make a deal?”

The plot thickens, and I’m sure we’ll be hearing more developments in upcoming episodes… 

Return of the Rogue Team: The Ohio Grassman

Posted April 13, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: anomalies, anthropomorphic, controversial, cryptozoology, furry, television, unexplained

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In the S4/Ep12 installment of Mountain Monsters, the AIMS team returned to Perry County, Ohio to again pursue the Ohio Grassman, a thousand-pound, ten-foot-tall Bigfoot with long shaggy reddish-brown hair also known for speed and agility.  In their previous encounter, Buck had been knocked out and the Grassman  had broken out of the constructed trap…pretty typical stuff for the series, all in all.

As the team motored to their Ohio destination, they perceived themselves to be followed by another vehicle, which caused acting leader Buck to put the pedal to the metal and eventually elude the infamous “Rogue” team thought to be pursuing them.  Having succeeded in this, they later met with “Radish,” who was appropriately enough a farmer. He reported having seen his cows spooked and spying Bigfoot by the chicken coop.  The plot thickened when “Radish” referred to having spoken with Buck in the recent past, something that he denied.  Apparently the Rogue team had impersonated Buck in a phone conversation.

On their first night’s hunt, the team found an arch of twisted branches that was considered to be a Bigfoot sign. They also found lower broken limbs, considering them a sign of human passage.  Not wanting to encounter whoever else was stomping around in the woods at night with guns, the guys headed back to the truck that they had come in on only to find the surrounding area set on fire.  Attached to the hitch on the truck was a cryptic note saying, “We know you know.” Trap-maker Willy was asked to rig security cameras for the truck while the remaining team members hit the road again to seek the wisdom and guidance of recuperating team leader Trapper.

Now Trapper appears to live in a really nice house that would be the envy of most; reality TV must pay pretty well, plus these guys don’t spend a dime on dentistry, barbers, or clothing. Trap’s house was complete with a “safe room” that would be the envy of any conspiracy theorist, complete with files on everything that they chase and pictures pasted on the walls. Trapper reported having found a bug planted on his truck that revealed his location, and suggested that one had been implanted on Buck’s vehicle as well; the devices would allow the Rogue team to track and follow them wherever they went. Additionally, Trapper presented a pasted-together note that he had received which posed the question, “Are you ready to chase the devil again?” This was thought to be a reference to the Cherokee Devil encountered in a previous episode, and if as in confirmation, a photo of the red shed central to that episode was also enclosed with the note.

With Trapper’ s encouragement, the team minus Trapper then went to the site of their previous investigation in Ashe County, North Carolina where they found bent-over trees, perceived to be a Bigfoot sign. A tree came crashing down behind the team, and lights were seen through the woods. Buck thought that he had seen the Cherokee girl central to that prior episode, and the segment ended as Buck was about to enter the red shed again. The Grassman chase was left hanging in the wind in favor of the Rogue Team storyline…

The Slack.com Animal “Team” Does Wonderful Things…

Posted April 11, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: absurdities, animal elements, animals, Brilliant but twisted, furries, furry, furry commercials, television


They’re quite diverse, yet they work as an office team…the CGI animals presented in a commercial for the messenger app “Slack,” that is.  Headed by a lion boss called “Geoff” who observes a prawn employee (Alan) struggling with an umbrella, the idea of a flying umbrella is born, developed, and implemented by the surreal office team which includes a beaver, goat, rabbit, owl, and sloth.  They all act in accordance with their respective species, with the sloth, for example, moving in slow motion.  The commercial spot is surreal yet captivating, and it works as does the product.

Remarkably, a “bloopers reel” is also available for the commercial, showing such deleted scenes as the prawn falling from his chair, the goat beating her keyboard to pieces with their hooves, and the prawn doing a beatbox routine following his presentation.   This is strange but wonderful stuff…

Bigfoot of Wood County: The Phantom of the Forest

Posted April 5, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anomalies, anthropomorphic, controversial, cryptozoology, television, unexplained, unidentified

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Not to be confused with the Phantom of the Opera, the Phantom of the Forest as presented in S4/Ep11 of Mountain Monsters is yet another Bigfoot clone standing about 6-1/2′ tall and weighing in at about 500 lbs. with brownish gray fur.  First seen by the Shawnee Indians in the 1700’s, the Phantom is reported having a special attachment to deer, and by some accounts has been seen riding them despite the obvious weight overload that would be involved.

Traveling to Wood County in West Virginia, the AIMS team first met with “Dan,” a farmer, who described an encounter where he heard gunshots following which he saw a number of dead deer, the apparent victims of poachers who were in a truck.  The eyewitness then saw a Bigfoot at the tree line who charged the poacher’s truck, lifting it up on two wheels and causing them to beat a hasty retreat.  During their first night’s investigation, the team saw a bent-over tree, then heard a crash with a tree being thrown down near them.  They felt themselves being observed, and shortly thereafter heard gunshots apparently aimed in their direction, presumably by the poachers.

The next day, the team returned to the general area, finding what they called a homemade silencer commonly used by poachers to mute gunshots.  They also found a handwritten note tacked to a tree stating, “Something’s stalking me,” and signed “Ernie.”  Meanwhile, “Wild Bill” in a used police cruiser that he had picked up met with “Willy,” and together the two constructed a “Pyramid trap” to cage the Bigfoot.  Also that day, “Buck” and “Jeff” met with the poachers by their invitation, keeping an armed “Huckleberry” in the background as backup.  The poachers claimed sighting the Bigfoot, said that he had torn up their buddy pretty badly, and announced their intentions of killing him.  “Buck” took the poachers to task for being poachers, which resulted in a Mexican standoff of sorts with guns, and colorful language being exchanged before the poachers departed in their vehicle, issuing threats. 

 On their final night’s hunt, the team following their usual procedure split to flush the beast towards their trap, but Buck, Jeff, and Huckleberry came under fire from the poachers.  In a cornfield, Buck was grabbed from behind presumably by the Bigfoot, and fell, losing his radio.  When the team reunited by the trap, they found it in the process of being knocked over by a heavy equipment operator, who claimed that he had been paid $1,000 to demolish it that night by people he didn’t know were poachers.  Allowed to leave, the heavy equipment operator a short time later radioed the team on Buck’s dropped radio, mocking them and relating how much he had enjoyed knocking over their trap…

Having been outwitted both by the Phantom of the Woods and the poachers, the team was again fruitless in their quest, but seemed to take comfort in thinking that eventually the Phantom would catch up with the poachers, and clean their clocks.  The episode was really more about the conflict with the poachers than the Bigfoot…

 

Geico’s “Alligator Arms”

Posted March 30, 2016 by vulpesffb
Categories: animals, anthropomorphic, furry, furry commercials, scalies, television

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I love Chinese food, and so apparently do some alligators.  Following lunch at a Chinese place with some human companions, it’s check time.  “Whoa whoa whoa, I got this!,” declares the ‘gator as he makes a token effort to reach the check.  Limited by his short arms, the reptile never gets there; “I can’t reach it,” he submits.  “When you have short arms, you avoid picking up the check,” declares the announcer.  “It’s what you do.”  If you want to save up to 15% on car insurance, you switch to Geico…it’s what you do.

Conveniently, a male companion, Dennis, gathers up the check, and is thanked by the reptile.  Not one to waste food, the ‘gator then gobbles down the remainder of the meal in one practiced gulp.  “Oh, that is good crispy duck!,” he announces with gluttonous satisfaction.  Waste not, want not, I suppose…