Author Archive

Chantix Commercial, “Cold Turkey…”

June 9, 2019


  

In our most recent Chantix commercial, we get to venture inside of the Turkey’s home, and it’s an immaculate, spacious place…certainly nicer than my den!  Now it’s cold inside his home, symbolic of the old “cold turkey” approach to smoking cessation, so the turkey turns off his window air conditioner, and dons a colorful sweater vest…this is the “slow turkey” method, after all…  

Our feathered friend does all kinds of things at home, like tending to his aquarium, moving some sea shell souvenirs, mixing up what appears to be lemonade, and getting his flip-flops out of the closet.  I really don’t know how they will fit on his turkey feet, but he somehow managed to wear hiking boots when we saw him camping.  Yes, it would appear that our boy may be planning a visit to the beach!  I envy him…

Perhaps our next episode will be subtitled, Bird at the Beach, or perhaps more simply, Living With A Turkey.  I’m sure that’s a title that many of us could identify with!  Here are a few other suggested segments:

– – The Chantix Turkey in, “Beach Blanket Bingo!”

– – The Chantix Turkey in, “Fowl Play!”

– – “The Chantix Turkey Meets Rocket Raccoon!”

– – “The Chantix Turkey in “Feathered Fiends!”

– – “Turkey in the White House!” (- -nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

(…the possibilities are unlimited, folks!)

 

The Ozark Howler…

June 7, 2019

The Ozark Howler as profiled on In Search of Monsters (Season 1, Episode 10, the Travel Channel) ranges in the dense forests of the Ozark mountains, and is a large feline-type creature traditionally described as having black fur and horns, and equipped with razor-sharp claws and teeth. In some accounts, he also sports glowing red eyes, with which it can give a “death stare.”  In spite of this, there are no reports of a Howler attack on people!  As his name would suggest, the Howler has a cry described as unsettling, uncanny, and terrifying.  A family in Missouri has recorded this cry, and it can’t be identified.  Some speculate that the loud and focused cry is a form of communication between other members of the species, suggesting that there is more than one individual member.

Game camera images also exist supposedly of the creature, images which a wildlife expert could not identify.  In 2015, other photos of an unidentified, horned creature were also taken that could not be identified (below).  These images appear to be of a smaller, less terrifying creature, and some regard them to be photoshopped although the photographer adamantly denies this.

The history of the Howler gets interesting, with witches known to have been active in the Ozarks once upon a time, and one such witch reputed to have had a horned familiar.  Is the Howler then a supernatural entity created by witchcraft?!  None less than Daniel Boone in 1810 described shooting and wounding a black, horned creature.  More mundane speculation is that the Howler is a black mountain lion, leopard, or jaguar.  Winters in the Ozarks are judged to be too harsh for a leopard or jaguar to survive, however…

The Ozark Howler should not be confused with the Midnight Rambler, which was a Rolling Stones song not heard often enough. As my mind moves in strange directions, however, I can imagine myself visited by the Midnight Rambler, a terrifying late-night cryptid who arrives uninvited and engages in pointless conversation when you only want to sleep. “Just get to the point, dammit…either that or kill me and end my misery, OK?,” I pleaded. (What passed for a grin moved momentarily across The Rambler’s face. He fed off human misery, and had no intention of ending my suffering.)  “Let me tell you about what I had for lunch yesterday,” he began as I pounded my head against the wall, and prayed for the sweet release of death that would escape me…

 

“Meet the Best of Geico Winner” Commercial

June 3, 2019


  
Most of the great ones are here…the most iconic Geico spokesmen, that is, in a recent commercial set in their makeup trailer!  We briefly see the Gecko, the squirrels, the sloth, the Caveman (“Let’s do the eyebrows first”), and the contest winner, Kathleen.  But where is the Camel, it’s asked?

“Mr. Big Shot’s got his own trailer,” bitterly answers the Caveman, and we cut to that location, where we see the Camel in the lap of luxury, receiving the ministrations of two makeup artists while he sips on a lemonade and Alonzo Vasquez’s Rollout tune pumps.  Even Joe Camel of cigarette fame never had it this good! – – Ahh, being Number One has its privileges!

The Slowskys in, “Snail Mail”

June 1, 2019



It’s good to see The Slowskys again, especially with Bill Jr. growing up so fast!  Parents Bill and Karolyn continue to live life in the slow lane, loving drip coffee, lay-overs, and being put on hold; heck, they even get snail mail, delivered by an authentic snail!  With today’s posting comes the message that they’ve been invited to a Y2K party, to which Bill Jr. quips, “Wasn’t that like 20 years ago?”

“Oh look, Karolyn, we’ve got a mathematician on our hands,” grouses the father turtle in the Xfinity commercial.- – Ahh, the impetuousness of youth!  Young Bill Jr. is a modern, with-it kinda reptile, however, sporting his headphones and backwards-turned ball cap and tapping away on his Xfinity powered cell phone.  This is a turtle of today’s generation who’s on the move, and headed to the future…

On the Cleanliness of Bears…

May 29, 2019

I, for one, have received entirely too much information about the condition of the youngest Charmin bear’s “heinie.”  The bespectacled youngest brother bear whose name is Dylan, gleefully picks up his underwear from the floor in a commercial, dancing around with it unafraid because “(his) heinie’s clean.”  While I’m sure we can all sleep better with this knowledge, it bears remembering that none of the ursines visibly wear any underwear in their commercials, or for that matter, clothing of any kind whatsoever.  Yes, they are bear naked!  That which is not worn remains pristine regardless of defecation, so Dylan’s boast is pointless…  

So there, bear, with your underwear!  Keep it there, and get out of my hair!

Of Henchmen and Sidekicks…

May 24, 2019

I’ve often pondered whether I’d make a suitable henchman, since I have a dark side and would accordingly make a lousy sidekick for a hero.  I have some unanswered questions, however, that would first need to be addressed. – – Does the job pay well?- – How about the benefits and the retirement plan? Are there stock options?  I think that I’d like to work for Frank Gorshin’s The Riddler to feed off his manic energy, but I’d simply have to have a better set of duds than what his goons usually wear.  Classic gangster henchmen have a good sense of fashion…

Like heroes, the best henchmen work alone, but in confrontations can never actually defeat the hero, or they threaten to usurp the villain’s status.  This doesn’t mean that they can’t actually beat the snot out of the hero as did Oddjob to James Bond, at least until he figures out a way to defeat them.  A henchman who defeats a hero has upgraded to the status of villain, which brings a whole new set of problems, including the recruitment of new henchmen, and all the labor relations issues that come with that.  Heavy is the head that wears the crown…

Then there are those characters like the Seven Dwarves to Snow White who are neither sidekicks nor henchmen.  They fall into the category of not otherwise specified (NOS) figures.

I guess that I’ll just continue to work alone, which seems most fitting to brood over the fate of a city, anyways…

The Geico “Walrus Goalie” Commercial…

May 14, 2019


Things get stranger and stranger in the world of advertising, where weird means memorable which can equate to name recognition and subsequently business. Duncan the walrus is an unlikely representative of Geico insurance, but he certainly gets the job done, just as he completely fills the hockey goal, making it impossible for the opposing team to score in a recent Geico ad.  Geico makes it easy to get help when you need it, you see, by having licensed agents available 24/7, and it’s not just Geico easy, it’s “having a walrus in the goal easy…”

Duncan is decked out in protective hockey gear, even though it’s ludicrously too small for him.  We see in the commercial spot a hockey puck bounce off his shin guard, while a frustrated opposing team skater grouses that the walrus is “ridiculous.”  The team coach  off on the sidelines doesn’t think so, shouting “Way to go, Duncan!” as he throws the walrus a fish from a bucket that Duncan catches on the fly.  The sidelined coach  and team members then further show their appreciation of the goalie by making walrus sounds.  Having had his fish and excitement, the walrus must then be admonished not to fall asleep on the ice.  “Duncan, stay up!  No sleepies!,” cries the coach in the closing.

One wonders if Duncan in his off hours doesn’t reflect upon the lyrics from the 1967 Beatles Magical Mystery Tour album, for he is the walrus…“goo goo j’goob.”

 

 

Sierra Trading Post Squirrels, “Exciting Life”

May 3, 2019


In this short advert, the Sierra Trading Post squirrel couple are up in a forest tree, mocking the “silly humans” camping below with their Sierra cooler.  The male exuberantly brags that he buries his food “all over the place” for the excitement of never knowing whether he’s going to find it again, or starve to death. There’s something to be said, I suppose, for living life on the edge…

These squirrels exist somewhere in the nexus of where funny meets cool meets creepy.  There’s something about their paws that I find disquieting, although the squirrels seem to be living life with gusto, whether it’s discussing being run over or starvation.  There’s probably a lesson in here for us…

(…tip o’the pen to CaryComic!)

 

Sierra Trading Post Squirrels; “Too Soon!”

May 2, 2019

Our Sierra Trading Post commercial begins with two chubby squirrels with human faces sitting on a rock presumably in a park, one of them holding a nut, and city skyscrapers visible in the background.  Two human joggers go past them, and they pause to admire their outfits, which it’s speculated were bought at Sierra. The male squirrel remarks that he used to jog, and the female chortles, “You never jogged!”  The male persists that he did, but had to stop when his Uncle Scruff apparently had a less than favorable encounter with a vehicle.  “I’m going to go across the street today,” ventures the male.  They both scream in a shrill fashion…

“Scruff had no sense of direction,” remarks the female squirrel.  ” Too soon!,” replies the male.  Epic brands…vast selection…Teeny-tiny prices, like our squirrels…Sierra!  RIP, Uncle Scruff…

(tip o’ the pen to Cary Comic for alerting me to this one!)

The Jersey Devil on “In Search of Monsters”

April 29, 2019

Strangely, The Travel Channel is home to a promising new paranormal series titled In Search of Monsters. In many ways reminiscent of previous such shows as Monster Quest, recent episodes of the series have stuck to the icons of cryptozoology such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and The Jersey Devil (Season 1, Episode 4).  Such topics are familiar ground to those of us with interest in the field, but the show is decently produced and at times interjects updated material and new perspectives on our old friends.

The Jersey Devil is one of the few cryptids with a backstory and time frame, based on Mother Leeds who actually lived and has living relatives.  Considered a witch of sorts, she was a healer and practitioner of pagan religion in colonial America who produced twelve children without a miscarriage or still birth, an unusual feat for the time.  The 13th child of Mother Leeds was a bit much for her to bear, however, so at its birth in 1735 the woman wished for it to be a devil. Words carry power, so the legend has it that the child, human-appearing at birth, morphed soon thereafter into an adult-sized, draconic-type thing with an elongated head, tail, and wings that flew around the room before escaping up the chimney to the Pine Barrens wilderness of New Jersey.

In the almost three hundred years since, numerous sightings of the Jersey Devil have been reported, including a great flurry of them in 1909 in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. As to how the creature has endured for three centuries, speculation exists that the beast is demonic, with a witch having basically invited possession of her child by the devil at birth.  The Devil has reportedly been hit by gunfire on several occasions over the years with no effect, so indestructibility and immortality characterize it.  

The episode went on to speculate on what natural creature the Jersey Devil might be, touching on theories that it’s a misidentified large crane, a bat, or most intriguing, a pterosaur that had somehow survived with a breeding population, all hidden in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.  While less common, sightings exist into recent years, with a hunter unsuccessfully pursuing one in 2016 and promoting a paranormal investigation in 2018 during which time equipment showed elevated energy readings suggesting to them that something was nearby.  The elusive nature of the Devil again harkens to its potentially supernatural nature, so at one point the episode had a paranormal researcher bring in a priest/exorcist to “The Witches Well,” a site where in the 18th century a witch lured the Jersey Devil, resulting in both being trapped there.  The priest/exorcist couldn’t perceive the Devil there, but called the Well an “active place” where entities existed.  

Lastly, the Pine Barrens is home to a large body of water 130 ‘ in diameter called The Blue Hole where no fish or other wildlife exists.  Reputed to be a type of gateway, speculation was that The Blue Hole may be a type of portal through which the Jersey Devil as a transdimensional type of being enters and exits our world.  Swimming is forbidden there, and a good number of body recoveries of people who didn’t listen have occurred on site –Does the Jersey Devil lurk within those waters?!

 …just a reminder that Foxsylvania does not necessarily endorse any of the stories that we cover, we are for entertainment purposes only.  This fox loves a good tale, however (should it be any wonder?)…and if The Travel Channel wants to take us to freaky locations, I’ll be along for the ride!