Archive for July 2014

Revenge of the Grassman!

July 28, 2014

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In the two-hour season finale of Mountain Monsters, our heroes (?) battle a pack of Grassmen and nearly run afoul of trigger-happy moonshiners in Perry County, Ohio. Buck gets taken out of action by his quarry, and Wild Bill manages to set his pants on fire! Yes, it’s heart-stopping action and low comedy in S2/Ep14 of this “guilty pleasure” type show…one you may watch, but hate yourself for afterwards!

Anyways, the Ohio Grassman is the biggest of the Bigfoot-clones, standing 8′ to 10′ tall, and weighing in at about 1,000 lbs. He has shaggy reddish-brown hair, and appears to be expanding his habitat, bugging the heck out of area farmers by messing with their stuff and in some cases, causing them to live in fear.

First interviewed by the team was “Legman,” a mechanic who heard loud noises close to his house and captured an audio recording, which in team leader Trapper’s opinion sounded like a dying raccoon’s screams. The first night’s hunt took place near “Moonshine Hollow,” where a Grassman heel print and scat were found. The AIMS team did not call it scat, having colorful terms for many things that are not repeatable in polite company. The team then entered a ruined “shine house” used by area moonshiners to concoct their brew. A suspected abandoned Grassman nest was found in the house, but the moonshiners did not take the intrusion kindly, firing off a warning shot and driving the AIMS team out.

Meanwhile, Willy and “Wild Bill” sought to gather materials for trap construction from the salvage yard of “Wild Bill’s” Uncle LeRoy, who was not at home, his nephew speculating that said uncle may have had to go see his parole officer! The absence did not stop Willy and Wild Bill from claiming a junk van, and fabricating it as a trap by modifications such as putting plate steel over the van windows.

Trapper and the rest of the team interviewed “Bernie and Linda,” who had taken and shared a video of something with considerable height going past their window. Also interviewed was “Patrick,” a land owner who saw a huge, hairy being, and produced a video of the same near their cabin. On the final night’s hunt, the team received a call from a nearby farmer, who claimed that the Grassman was in his hay barn. The team hurried there, and while in the upper barn loft saw a hole in the floor. Willy poked around in that hole with his shotgun barrel, and had the weapon ripped from his hands by something in the lower barn. The team then bumbled around the unfamiliar farm complex, separating at times to better survey things. During this time, team member “Buck” got bowled over and battered by a door violently propelled inward, presumably by the Grassman. You might say that Buck got smoked by the Grassman, who seemed to be on a roll at that point. Buck was evacuated with shoulder injuries and apparent superficial bleeding. Returning to their van trap, the remaining team members found that it had been ripped apart, with all bait removed. – – You go, Grassman! Things had apparently gotten personal for most of the team members at this point, who decided to persevere despite getting their collective backsides kicked.

Falling back and seeking to gain more information, the team the next day interviewed “Erik,” a hunter, who had heard and recorded a sound that the team felt was that of the Yahoo from West Virginia. Most of the team then took the risk of going to see the moonshiners again, who met them with guns but agreed to send the team to a clandestine meeting with one of their number who, talking out of a truck, claimed that there were a pack of Grassmen, and that one was their leader. The moonshiners had apparently placated the Grassmen for some time with fermented corn left out for them, but such tributes were no longer working as the Grassmen were beginning to tear up stills and otherwise intrude on moonshiner territory. The moonshiners agreed to let the AIMS team continue their pursuit of the Grassman so as to be rid of him, but also issued thinly-veiled threats to the team if they overstepped their boundaries; these guys play for keeps, and have itchy trigger fingers.

Back at their camp at night, the team was under siege by Grassmen, and sought to chase them from the area in one of their ATV’s when the vehicle was nearly tipped over by a large rock thrown at it! They beat a hasty but awkward exit from the disabled vehicle, finding themselves encircled by multiple Grassmen, who threw multiple rocks and limbs at them, one of which hit team leader “Trapper” in the head and knocked him to the ground! Warning shots were fired which drove the attacking creatures off.

The next day, Willy and “Wild Bill” set up a “mine field” of leg hold traps buried in the ground, with the field baited by fermented corn left unannounced by the moonshiners. They also had been left a crude note of advice guiding them to a “North Point” where something existed that the Grassmen supposedly didn’t want seen. Going to a barn in that location, something pulled at Trapper’s leg, causing him to loose his balance and fall. Numerous footprints were seen outside in the snow, and Grassman “nests” were seen in the barn. Impacts were heard against the barn walls, and a “mash stash” was found in the barn where the Grassmen had stored it. The AIMS team confiscated the fermented corn, thinking that this would drive the Grassmen in search of it into their leg traps. Driving back to their camps, something thrown again impacted with the ATV, forcing the team into a defensive posture with Willy and Wild Bill going back on foot to the camp to fetch the other vehicle and finding the camp trashed. The team returned in the other ATV to go to the trap area when something yet again impacted with the ATV, that object turning out to be one of the leg hold traps that had been ripped from the ground!

Now this was pretty slick, indicating that the Grassmen had both figured out where and what the concealed traps were, and demonstrating their considerable strength in tearing them from the ground. Repeatedly under attack and thwarted at every turn and with their camp trashed, the AIMS team abandoned their pursuit at that point, but resolved to be back in the future. This looked like an end-of-season “cliffhanger” to me, intended to draw viewers back for yet another season and a potential grudge match with the Grassmen…

Nissan Pathfinder Commercial, “The Ark”

July 25, 2014

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A countryside drive in the rain becomes an animal rescue mission of sorts for a father and daughter in a recent Nissan commercial for their Pathfinder model. In this relatively simple but cute entry, it’s not a fit day for man nor beast out…and the animals, both domestic and wild, appear forlornly along the roadside, apparently in need of rescue, or at least a place out of the rain. Fortunately, the Pathfinder has lots of room, and the father obligingly pulls up to allow his daughter to collect the sodden animals, appearing in biblical groups of two.

They certainly are a diverse lot, with even kangaroos and penguins among their number! I’m happy to report that a fox may be seen in the back seat as well. At the end of the ad, the storm is over, the skies are clearing, and the animals are departing the Nissan; the world is made anew! Now if only Russell Crowe had been hired to drive the Pathfinder, clad in his Noah costume…but the producers probably didn’t have that kind of budget.

Bloodless Howler of Harrison County!

July 19, 2014

 

 

wpid-wp-1405813063343.jpeg – -You’ve gotta admit that “Bloodless Howler” is a far better name for a supposed monster than “Hogzilla” or “Sheepsquatch,” and in S2/Ep13 of Mountain Monsters the AIMS team is hot on the trail of this feline/canine hybrid, reputed to weigh 350 lbs. or more, and to have a feline head with a canine-type body.  Interestingly enough, the creature is a “blood sucker,” draining its prey of blood but not consuming their flesh.  Yet another “monster” indigenous to West Virginia, the Howler was first sighted by coal miners who heard its howl, and found prey drained of blood.  One more thing: the creature is reported to be bulletproof, with bullets passing harmlessly through it…

First interviewed was “Cornbread” (not to be confused with Cornfed, the pig-detective on Duckman), who heard a howling noise and saw something with red eyes that was half coyote and half mountain lion.  He fled from it but fell, firing four rounds into it from the ground that didn’t seem to have any effect but thereafter able to regain his footing and flee.  During their first night’s investigation, the team found a “piss post” marked with the creature’s urine, and thought that they saw a large, white creature.  They heard howling and decided to retreat, in that process seeing a dead deer drained of blood with its throat torn out.  

Team members Willy and “Wild Bill” then built a tiger drop box trap, with low comedy provided by “Wild Bill” sliding about by intention on the snowy frozen terrain and at one point making multiple attempts to drive a nail, in the process of which one nail struck him in the face and drew blood.  “Tom,” a mechanic, was interviewed who reported seeing a creature with the body of a dog and a lion-like head.  He also presented a video which showed something going between two vehicles in his junkyard.  Last interviewed was “Charlie,” a farmer, who returned to hogs he was butchering to find a bucket of blood drained.  The bucket was presented to the team, who found the bucket pierced with bite marks.

Well, the trap was set up on Tom’s property, baited with deer and hog blood.  In light of the beast’s reputation for being bulletproof, “Wild Bill” prepared a pointed stick to go after it with.  The team split into two, seeking to drive the creature from opposite directions towards their trap.  “Buck’s” team found a scent post and an apparent den, calling then upon “Trapper’s” group but losing radio contact.  The two factions reunited, however, seeing a thermal image in the junkyard.  These guys are anything but stealthy, making enough noise and commotion to wake the dead.  Converging on their trap, “Wild Bill” saw something in it, but whatever it was managed to escape by digging through a weak point in the back of the trap with the ground having been softened by thawing weather conditions.  

Once again, no catch…but team member “Huckleberry” seemed happy to claim “Wild Bill’s” pointed hunting stick for future use as a back scratcher…and oh yes, next week is the season finale!  I’m sure we can hardly wait…  

 

Snickers “Godzilla” Commercial…

July 16, 2014

 

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Godzilla, as we learn in a Snickers commercial, is an alright dude!  We are shown footage of the big guy in just slightly larger than human form, hanging at the beach, riding four wheelers, playing ping-pong, and making the scene at a party.- – What a party animal!

Godzilla’s actually pretty cool!,” comments one male party-goer to his friend.  “Except when he’s hungry,” corrects the buddy.  Then the footage cuts to Godzilla in full rampage, hundreds of feet tall and blasting cars airborne with his breath.  Fortunately, someone in the crowd knows the remedy for this situation, and lobs Godzilla a Snickers bar. – – He eats the morsel, gets a blissful expression on his massive face, and then suddenly…Party Godzilla is back, water skiing and blending happily into human society again!  

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, we are told. Studies have shown that hunger and anger can be linked. Maybe then the answer to unrest in the Middle East and elsewhere is simply to bombard the combatants with Snickers bars…heck, diplomacy doesn’t seem to be doing much, so make chocolate, not war!

Hogzilla!

July 12, 2014

 

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The topic of really large feral pigs has come up before on some shows like Monster Quest, and doctored photos of hunters with gigantic hog kills may readily be found on the Internet. It was probably just a matter of time before the Mountain Monsters crew went hog wild themselves, finally venturing out of West Virginia into Hocking Hills, Ohio for a crack at the big pig. You do know as well that the bottom of the barrel is being scraped when a wild boar is being considered a “monster.”

Well, the Hogzilla in question was reputed to weigh 1,200 lbs., be 8′ to 9′ long, and stand about 4-1/2′ tall at the shoulders. Most interestingly, the hog is reputed to have small, crude, usable paws. It was first sighted in the 1790’s, and terrorizes local farmers.

A local eyewitness called “Wild Man” was first interviewed, a backwoods archaeologist who reported seeing a fanged creature who got up on two legs. In the area, the team found a log broken open for grubs. On their first night’s investigation, the team found a trail with leaves torn up, saw a thermal image, heard the beast roar, and found his nest; team member Buck claimed to have caught a glimpse of the beast.

A tunnel trap was built of steel while expert tracker “Wild Bill” provided low comedy grossness by chewing on pork ribs, contending that he was “eating his enemy.” A farmer called Beau was interviewed who contended that the creature tore up his feed bags, and that he saw it stand on its back legs. Beau also shared a shadowy cell phone video of the beast. Also interviewed were hobbyists Tom and Elaine, who had a trail camera image clearer than most that showed the front half of a boar.

The trap was baited with corn and covered with brush, and the final night’s hunt was conducted by Beau’s barn. Urine and mangled underbrush were seen, and “Buck” made hog calls. The hog was tracked to a barn where he could be heard but not seen; the wily devil had slipped out! They pursued him to a feed trailer, where the hog burst out the back. Hooting and hollering, the team pursued their quarry to the trap, where…miracle of miracles…they had actually caught something, a Russian wild boar about 8′ long. It did not have long razor tusks or paws, but as Wild Bill sagely proclaimed, “That is one big pig!”

Seemingly ecstatic that they had actually caught something for once, the team called animal control. Hail to thee, oh mighty hunters! – – Are you not entertained?!

Dish Kangaroo Hopper “Mommy Mind” Commercial

July 10, 2014

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Other than the occasional “Aussie” hair products commercial, you don’t see a lot of kangaroos in advertising, and it’s hard not to like this little guy, who appreciates a good nap yet is there when you need him. The ‘roo is of the size and general appearance of a stuffed animal, and is sensibly belted into his seat. Riding shotgun in the family car with Momma at the wheel and two boys beginning to fuss in the back seat, the Dish kangaroo awakens from a sound sleep, proclaiming that naps are awesome!  He quickly takes the measure of the feuding kids in the back seat, telling the driving Mom, “Chill out, Momma Bear…I got this!” as he hands the warring brats a tablet with their favorite shows on it. – – Why, it’s a miracle! The brats shut up, and blessed silence again reigns, their little minds engaged by the shows that have been downloaded to the tablet by the Dish Hopper feature. It’s so much better than throwing the kids from the moving vehicle, and with far less legal complications!

“How did you do that?,” asks the grateful and incredulous Mom. The kangaroo then explains how with the Hopper he put all of the kids’ fave recorded shows on the tablet, “So you wouldn’t lose your Mommy mind in the car.”

“Mommy likes Dish!,” responds the long-suffering Mother, who has been driven half out of her nut by her kids.  I’m sure that lots of parents can identify with that on a car trip of any duration.

“OK!,” responds the kangaroo, with a tone and expression indicating that he is slightly weirded out by Mommy’s reaction…and wouldn’t “The Kangaroo in the Car” or “Road ‘Roo” be a great title for a kid’s book?!

“Penny Dreadful” is Dreadfully Good!

July 1, 2014

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If you have a taste for horror that’s complex, intelligently written, and well-acted you might find Showtime’s series “Penny Dreadful” a real gem! The title of the series hails from sensational serialized British literary entertainment of the 19th century that was pitched to working-class males, each installment of which cost a penny.

Now before your eyes glaze over, this framework unites classic literary horror characters of the 19th century, such as Victor Frankenstein, Van Helsing, Dorian Grey, and others all updated and re-imagined in refreshing ways. Victor Frankenstein, for example (pictured), is portrayed as a young man, vital, intellectual, and with knowledge and capabilities light years ahead of the Victorian times.  His creations (yes, there is more than one “monster”) are not mute, shuffling brutes, but rather agile and articulate if socially impaired creatures who read and learn, grow, and suffer angst; they wander about London.  We are really starting to like the second-generation “Proteus” when the first-born unexpectedly appears to rip him apart.  Characters not presented in classic literature are also introduced, such as the dark and formidable Vanessa Ives, an at times demonically possessed medium and clairvoyant who reminds me of Wednesday Addams as she might have been in adulthood; a seance scene featuring her is absolutely incredible. Timothy Dalton, who has taken a turn as James Bond, portrays Sir Malcom, the leader of a group of Victorian-era “ghostbusters” including Dr. Frankenstein who are trying to retrieve his one daughter from a particularly nasty group of vampires.  Each team member has a unique skill set; these characters could do Mountain Monsters, and actually catch and subdue something!

It’s all wild stuff played seriously, and the series isn’t for the squeamish or the young as there is violence, blood, occasional nudity, and adult themes. The Victorian setting is recreated lavishly and with attention to detail; this is upper-level television, even if death and the supernatural as art. – – What furry elements are there is all of this? Well, in the last episode of the first season that has just concluded, one character when his back is hard pressed to the wall by bounty hunters about to drag him off in chains is revealed to be a werewolf!  I won’t reveal which character so as not to spoil the surprise for those who have yet to view the series or the episode, each of which has a dramatic twist of some kind you probably won’t see coming.  

With a dynamite ensemble cast and an underlying idea that hasn’t been visited since The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, this series is great for those who like psychological thrillers and dark horror.  Catch it on Showtime, or view it on Xfinity On Demand…