Archive for the ‘anthropomorphic’ category

Werewolf of Wolfe County…

May 8, 2014

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Recently I watched a marathon of Destination America shows, emerging with only a few brain cells intact but catching the original Mountain Monsters show, S1/Ep01 originally airing in 2013.  In it we see the AIMS team uniting for the first time, that standing for the Appalachian Investigators of Mysterious Sightings.  The “West Virginian Sons” go in pursuit of the Werewolf of Wolfe County, Kentucky, a bipedal cryptid canine described as being a cross between a bear and a gorilla, standing about 7′ high and weighing around 400 pounds.

Deviating little from their habitual formula, the bearded investigators first interviewed an eyewitness described only as “R,” a marksman who described seeing a large, dark-colored wolf in a wooded area.  On their first night’s investigation, the AIMS team saw claw marks on an overhang, and found a large bone pile or kill site.  “The SOB is a mountain monster, and we’re on his ass!,”  pronounced the team leader.  

A drop-cage trap was constructed out of salvaged junk yard metal, and a second eyewitness, “Turtleman,” was interviewed.  This survival specialist described seeing a wolf-like creature who walked on two legs, and presented a video of a black, hulking creature seen in the distance.  A third eyewitness, a hunter-trapper called “Jasper,” reported hearing the howl of a creature, and saw a large unfamiliar track that he photographed.

Well, the trap was baited with a poor goat called “Daisy,” and the team found additional tracks indicating that whatever made them had a 6′ stride.  On the final night’s hunt, the group split into two, with one contingent finding what appeared to be a lair, where movement was seen and fur.  Thinking that multiple werewolves were involved, team members heard a rather haunting howl, and saw movement on their thermal camera.  They went to their ATV’s and headed to their trap, finding that it was unsprung and that Daisy the goat was safe and well.  Tracks found on the site indicated that the werewolf had circled the area, with a camera left on the site giving some partial images of something having passed the camera’s lens and perturbing the goat.  It was concluded that the trap’s trigger had been set the wrong way, and as for the werewolf, “He plumb out-smarted us,” in the memorable words of one team member.

Little has changed in the episodes which have since followed, but this is how it all began! I only wish that Daisy the goat had been continued as an on-going character, however…she seems to embody the spirit of the series…

 

CarFax “Mole” Commercial…

May 6, 2014

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Foxes are stealthy, and in our secret underground lairs, we track...many things.  What we track is on a “need to know” basis, but we will share that one of the things we track are accidents.  So when a balding middle-aged man makes a request in a new commercial released in April to see the CarFax, the floor beneath him opens up, and he is spirited via a tunnel to arrive in the presence of that great and secret control center, still seated in his easy chair.  The Car Fox himself appears before him, but we see that he has a number of able assistants, all vulpine, seated at a number of computer terminals that monitor and regulate operations.  The underground operations center is truly impressive, looking efficiently high tech, just like one of those command centers operated by Blofeld or one of the Bond villains.  They were, of course, mere amateurs by comparison…

The casually-attired Car Fox answers the human’s questions, only because it amuses him to do so.  We are made privy to the information that the foxes employ moles to dig up facts, and we are shown one of these moles gathering information with binoculars.  The moles are simply operatives, of course…foxes are the real brains of the operation.  In a different commercial, opossums are shown to gather service information on a vehicle.  One can never have too much information…empires are won and lost over such matters.

The Car Fox has evolved greatly since his humble beginnings as a simple puppet on the hand of an unscrupulous salesman.  But you can rest assured that your fox overlords only have your best interests at heart.  After all, we live to serve…(wink, wink!)

Werewolf of Webster County…

April 26, 2014

wpid-1398476464326.jpg – – When a werewolf is matched against armed West Virginian “Mountain Monsters” hunters, my money is on the werewolf!  In S2/Ep/04, the Mountain Monsters crew went in search of the Webster County werewolf in West Virginia, a creature over seven feet tall and weighing over 400 pounds with yellow eyes who is most active during the full moon. The legend of the werewolf dates back to 1770, when some Native Americans were killed along a Shawnee game trail, their chief supposedly reincarnated as a werewolf. Notably, wolves are not indigenous to West Virginia.

Following the show’s formula, the team then interviewed an eyewitness, a trapper named “Boone” who reported seeing a wolf with glowing neon-like eyes standing seven to eight feet tall on his hind legs. On their first night’s hunt, the crew saw thermal impressions on the ground, heard a howl, and thought that the creature had a deadfall trap set for them! They saw a second thermal image on a rock that appeared to be the shape of a large wolf. Approaching the rock sighted, apparent claw marks were seen on it. The rock was pronounced the werewolf’s “howling rock.”

The crew then prepared a rock pit trap, a deadfall-type trap with a two-ton slab of rock poised to fall over it. Then came the most scary moment of the show; the team leader, “Trapper,” extracted a tooth that was paining him using a pair of pliers! I swear that I am not making this up! Prior to this point, he had been self-medicating for a toothache with moonshine. Apparently, dentistry is more feared among this group than unidentified monsters. Gap-toothed grins in several of the members testify to this.

An interview then followed with “Hank,” a land owner who shared a video he had taken while driving past an upright, black-furred creature. Also interviewed was “Gunner,” a hunter who presented a picture of a huge black wolf taken by a trail camera.

On the final night’s hunt, the trap was baited with chicken, and the team split into two groups, hoping to drive the werewolf from opposite directions along the Shawnee game trail into the trap. One group found a bedding area apparently used by the beast that was littered with cattle bones. The other group caught a sighting of eyes in the near distance and the usual gun-waving and confusion ensued, one of the team in the excitement even managing to fall from a tree perch…but don’t despair, he only had the wind knocked out of him!

Converging and meeting by their trap, the investigators discovered…gasp…that the trap had been sprung, but that the prey had dug himself out, apparently dislodging the two-ton rock slab cover in the process! “We outsmarted him, but we underestimated his strength,” concluded the team leader. Once again, a magnificent werewolf has emerged unscathed, and may he ever confound his unworthy pursuers! – – I just love happy endings, don’t you?

 

Rocket Raccoon Explodes Onto The Big Screen!

April 22, 2014

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Raccoons are kind of bad boys in the furry community; you might want to watch your wallet and your sister around one. While they are rascals, raccoons do seem to get the job done, and they’re good to have on your side, even if they don’t always take the high road.  For this reason, it’s only a slight stretch to see a raccoon as a kind of deviant action hero, and Rocket Raccoon fits that bill perfectly.

With his name supposedly inspired by the Beatles song Rocky Raccoon, Rocket Raccoon is for my money the most captivating character in the Guardians of the Galaxy team, a more obscure Marvel property certain to gain fans following release this August of the movie by the same name.

The Rocket Raccoon character debuted in 1976; his backstory is too complex and lengthy to go into here, but suffice it to say that he is an anthropomorphic bipedal raccoon who is an accomplished starship pilot, a master tactician, and an expert marksman who prefers really large guns!  He has anger management issues, and a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder…but what raccoon doesn’t wash their paws often? Voiced in the movie by actor Bradley Cooper, the CGI Rocket is in part modeled after movements of a real-life raccoon called Oreo. Muscle for Rocket is provided by a tree-creature named Groot, voiced by none other than Vin Diesel.

One of a ragtag team of intergalactic aliens, Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy promises to be a breakout furry character…

 

 

The Yahoo of Nicholas County…

April 21, 2014

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Yahoo does not always refer to a web site or a numbskull, but also to a large, bigfoot-like creature known as “the Yahoo” which frequents Nicholas County in West Virginia.  Standing seven to eight feet and weighing 800 to 1,200 pounds, first sightings of the Yahoo occurred in the mid-1800’s by lumberjacks.  What distinguishes the Yahoo from other Bigfoot variants is the cry or scream by which it is named.

Operating with the thought that it takes a hillbilly to catch a hillbilly, the Mountain Monsters crew of “hardcore hunters and trappers” went in pursuit of the Yahoo, first interviewing a local eyewitness called “Possum,” who reported seeing a black-furred creature with broad shoulders and huge eyes that screamed at him.  On the first night of their investigation, the crew saw an image on their thermal camera, as well as footprints spaced so as to indicate a 7′ – 8′ stride. 

The following day, a pitfall trap was constructed, and the team interviewed “Fish,” a farmer who witnessed the creature, heard his cry, and caught a partial image of it on a video camera.  Another eyewitness, Jarvis (- -yes!  An eyewitness with a normal name!) saw a 20″ footprint, and caught a dark image of the creature on a trail camera.  Jarvis thought that there was more than one Yahoo, and that they were essentially a family group. 

On the final night hunt, the crew baited their trap with pawpaws (native apples), and found tracks 10″ wide in a stream. From the differing characteristics of the tracks, it was felt that three distinct individuals were represented.  A cry was heard, following which time the crew found themselves pinned down in a ravine and essentially surrounded on at least two sides by the unseen but close by Yahoos, who manifested both their presence and displeasure by knocking small trees down towards their hillbilly pursuers.

Guns were waved about and camera angles became bouncy at this point, but in the general confusion the crew made it back to their trap which they found to have been destroyed by a tree about 60′ long that had been cast upon it.  This final revelation suggested further that the Yahoo creatures live and work in a family unit, and are capable of coordinating their efforts.

Once again confounded, the Mountain Monsters men seem unable to catch anything to date, except perhaps ratings…

Grafton Monster of Taylor County…

April 19, 2014

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As featured in a recent episode of Mountain Monsters (S2/Ep02), the Grafton Monster of Grafton, West Virginia is a large, powerful, and elusive cryptid standing seven to eight feet tall and weighing in excess of 1,000 pounds.  Sometimes called The Headless Horror because its head drops to its shoulders and is accordingly invisible from some angles, sightings of the creature date back to the 1950’s with numerous sightings reported in the 1960’s.

The Mountain Monsters crew went in pursuit of the beast, interviewing three colorful local eyewitnesses. The first one, “Wolfie,” shared a video supposedly taken of the monster in the woods. During their first night’s investigation, the crew saw thermal images on their camera, and found disgusting and malodorous calf afterbirth on a deer hunting stand where the beast had apparently consumed a newborn calf.

The next day, the crew constructed a timber box trap that one member pronounced “slicker than socks on a rooster;” these are not exactly Rhodes scholars. They interviewed a local hunter, Dale, who described a large and wide trail that he had found, and also shared a plaster cast of a large, clawed, inhuman footprint. An image of something hunched over was also partially visible on a photograph the hunter presented.

The third eyewitness, “Doc,” discussed a sighting of something that he was certain wasn’t a deer or a bear; distant audible growling was heard during the interview, promoting the crew to give “Doc” safe passage home.

By the final night, the Mountain Monsters crew had baited their trap with (yuck) cow afterbirth, and went stalking the creature. They again had thermal images, and found deer blood and remains atop a water tank; pursuing on foot, the crew found additional pools of deer blood, and a footprint. Feeling outdistanced, they then took to an off-road vehicle, and went back to their trap, which was unsprung, but had the bait taken. Blood on the top of the cage suggested that their quarry had consumed it there, almost as if mocking them. Growls were heard in the background as the hunted had once again outwitted the hunters…

 

The Elephant Auto Insurance Commercial…

April 16, 2014

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I feel mildly uncomfortable with the Elephant Auto Insurance pachyderm, simply because he seems so…Republican!   Clad in a conservative dark suit with a blue tie, I almost expect him to bring Mitt Romney out of a back room, or begin advocating trickle-down economics and tax cuts for the wealthy.  Fortunately the elephant doesn’t do any of that although he does own a business, announcing himself as the founder of the company bearing his name.  

Although the elephant is another CGI marvel, there’s nothing overly clever or memorable about the scripting, dialogue, or action in this commercial, other than a reference to the proverbial elephant memory.  While there’s room for more than one animal spokesperson in the commercial business, the venerable Geico gecko, Maxwell the pig, or the hump-day camel don’t presently need to worry about this guy upstaging them…

Maxwell at the DMV!

April 4, 2014

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Geico’s Maxwell the Pig has appeared in a variety of settings, and walking among us it’s perhaps part of his lot to appear at the Department of Motor Vehicles, where most of us of driving age must suffer now and then.  Asked for proof of insurance, Maxwell produces his Geico digital insurance card, which the worker in attendance readily accepts.  

The indignity of being photographed then follows for Maxwell, and as for most of us his photo likeness is less than complimentary; you know how it is, with being rushed through a soulless institution and asked to hold your head at an unnatural angle.  Well, the little porker barely reaches the top of the desk, and when the picture is taken, Maxwell’s eyes are closed.  Maxwell points this out to the DMV clerk, and guess what…she doesn’t care, calling out “next” while Maxwell is left as just another victim of bureaucracy…we’ve all been there, right?

The Geico Snail…

March 30, 2014

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Many of us have had bosses who aren’t too swift, but this guy is an extreme case, mainly because he’s a snail.  Winding ever so slowly through a cubicled workplace, he wears a tie and tiny spectacles, and even leaves a slime trail behind him…how appropriate for a boss! Well, the snail-boss named Mr. Tompkins is greeted by an employee named Todd, and then informs the hapless man that he is fired before crawling slowly away, whistling as he goes!  None of us would have blamed Todd had he then introduced Mr. Tompkins to the sole of his shoe, but justice is rare in the work world.  

The commercial spot begins with two women having coffee, one of which points out that fifteen minutes with Geico can save you 15% or more on car insurance.  “Everyone knows that,” replies the other woman.  Seeking to one up her companion, the first woman then questions whether her associate knows that bad news doesn’t always travel fast, and the snail-boss is offered as an example of the same. One might also learn that slimy invertebrates make poor bosses, something that I can affirm from personal experience…

Acura’s “Let the Race Begin” Horses…

March 19, 2014

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– – These are horses as one imagines they would be designed by Skynet in the dystopian world of the Terminator movies.  The spot begins with a crowd gathering for a horse race around a futuristic, surreal track. What’s really cool is that the four breathtaking horses competing are robotic, and as they enter the race they vie fiercely for position, complete with metallic sounds as they bang heads with one another in an almost gladiatorial event.  

From behind, however, enters a flesh-and-bone equine who assumes the leadership position, and then the horses morph into vehicles.  Acura, you see, is casting itself as the “dark horse” in the luxury-performance car market, a field in which it hopes to assume leadership.

I sadly know that I will never own a luxury-performance vehicle as my budget barely allows fox kibble.  I do know that I haven’t seen robotic animals this good since the group Swedish House Mafiia did their Greyhound video, and I hope that advertising delivers up more of these fantastic creatures…